July 17, 2011

Soap


The bar of soap is almost gone, and then I have to open a new one, one that you never used.  Last night big darling wanted hot sauce, and the searing pain I felt knowing you were the last one to touch that bottle was unbearable and made me lose my breath.   The baby tosses and turns before passing out at night, thrashing his head from side to side saying "daddy fell down, daddy got a bobo" over and over until my head is exploding. What the fuck do you say to a 21 mos old baby who saw his daddy die? "Give these boys a better life than I can give them" is what you told me.  Really?  Cause this seems like hell. I am the stupidest person of all for letting this happen....how could I? Someone said yesterday it was the perfect storm. All things fell into place just so...and the end result was the end of all of our lives. We miss you so much. Why, why, why didn't I tell you that your eyes looked the color of the water in Destin on that day? Because I thought it, multiple times.  I wish I could dive in right now, and maybe that was my invitation to do so....but I probably folded clothes instead. I said nothing, because I was too used to the silence between us.  You took a step back each day, and I tried to stop you but failed.  People say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but it's not true, because you're not here. The world is full of stupid clichés....like do this or that and you'll get "closure".  It’s all bullshit.  People keep saying I'm the strongest person they've ever met. I'm not strong. I want to quit right now. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to go on, how I'm going to give these boys any life, much less a better one. The truth is we were not living.  We were all alive but not living. I do want to live, I want the boys to live, but I can't even imagine ever not being in this much pain. I feel like the world sucks.  The news is horrible, the front page of the paper is horrible, people kill each other, themselves, get cancer and horrible diseases. Look to your kids, they'll give you strength people say. But when I look at them all I can think is that you should be looking at them too.

6 comments:

  1. I'm reading ALL of these faster than my eyes can go! My blog seems pitiful to yours because I can barely call myself a domestic abuse survivor! This is amazing and I can't wait to keep reading! XOXO

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  2. Love your writing. You are strong. Very strong.

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  3. I think you are amazing for writing this stuff for the world to see. Thanks for making my eyeballs tear.

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  4. I'm in tears reading your blog, I just can't imagine what you've been through, I know when my husband left me and my kids, I was devastated, but at least they can still talk to him, but if he'll die right now, I won't be his beneficiary anymore...I should have just killed when I found out about his new model...of course I'm only joking....but what you're going through must be hard...I have no more parents and 4 of my siblings die due to cancer, that's when I started sharing stories...there are times when I wanted to end my life too, but reading ur stories made me realise, my life isn't that bad after all...chin up lady...

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  5. Just ran across your blog on the Top Mommy Blog site. I had a very close cousin of mine that committed suicide 3 years ago this past June. It's a never ending question of Why? I can't say it will ever go away ... It's such a tragic loss for all the parties involved that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm slowly reading through your post & plan to follow you so that I can keep up with your journey through life now. Stay strong for those children ... they need you everyday. Much love!

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  6. Just ran across your blog on the Top Mommy Blog site. I had a very close cousin of mine that committed suicide 3 years ago this past June. It's a never ending question of Why? I can't say it will ever go away ... It's such a tragic loss for all the parties involved that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm slowly reading through your post & plan to follow you so that I can keep up with your journey through life now. Stay strong for those children ... they need you everyday. Much love!

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