August 8, 2011

Ashes


Why am I searching for granite cemetery vases and not cooking supper.  It’s 5:46, why aren’t you home yet?  And if you were here, how many pills would you have taken today? How many lies would you have told me already today? Where were you all day and what were you doing? What kind of drugs were you taking? I hate having more questions than answers, and I feel horrible and awful that you couldn’t share your pain with me.  I wanted to ease your pain, help you, love you, hold you, be intimate with you.  I wanted you to be healthy and happy and gorgeous and glorious. Now you are dead, you are a burned up body, crushed up ashes….i know your spirit is somewhere…but where? I don’t see you. I don’t feel you. You are not showing yourself to me. I am low as low can get…I am ignoring our kids, not being a good mom, not playing with them…I’m just being how you were, depressed and nonexistent.  I don’t want to be this way, God please help.

5 comments:

  1. I have read 8 of your blogs now, and I am hooked. I love how truthful you are. And I am sure you are moving women through your writing, whether that is your intention or not, God has a way of doing things like that. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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  2. I just found your blog tonight and have been reading from the beginning. Just wanted to say I am sorry you and your kids have had to go through this - not in a pity way but seriously, I wish so much you hadn't had to suffer through any of this. Your writing is beautiful. Yes, getting things out is therapeutic. Take care.

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  3. OMgosh! Real tears here. My mom was cremated and I hated it. This hit me hard! xoxo

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  4. I don't know how I would go on or how I would try to put a happy face on for my children when I, myself, am in such a deep state of grief. God bless you and your kids!

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  5. I lost my husband of 15 years our son was 16 at the time whil he didn't kill himself he might as well have he poorly managed type 1 diabetes hit renal failer and lived two years seriously ill on dyalisis I was 34 and widowed my husband also 41 that was in 2009 march 29th at 810 am I found him dead laying next to me on the couch . I've had years of flashback and can still smell him on the clothes I have left.. I cried I was lost was with him since 17 he was my first love. You heal over time nothing anyone can say makes it go faster and my sn looks so much like him its torture..certain songs.. peopl with his build it gets better w time

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