September 13, 2011

Nap Day

So today is little darling's first nap day at school.  The 23 mos old baby who has to 'hold hands, hold hands!" with me even while I cook or fold clothes is going to attempt 'napping' on his big boy nap mat today.  I've already called school.  He isn't crying, but he isn't sleeping either. Good enough. We always layed down with him for naps. He has been so needy with real separation anxiety since Dave's death.  Can't blame the tot.  He literally watched his daddy die.  For 6 solid weeks after, he tossed and turned and thrashed around the bed chanting "Daddy fell down, daddy got a bad bobo" over and over again until I thought I would pull my hair out one by one.  The bigger kids would beg me to make him stop.  I couldn't make him stop.  No amount of caressing, singing, holding, hugging, crying would make the baby stop.  His sheer exhaustion is all that made him stop.  One day while laying down with him for a nap, I was reading and basically just tuning out the chants.  When I 'came to' and focused on what he was saying, I was jolted into reality.  "Daddy don't die, Daddy don't die, Daddy don't die".  What exactly is the response to this?  I just smiled and snuggled up close to him.  In my head I was screaming the same thing.  The tears rolled down my face and we fell asleep.  The last month or so has been better.  He doesn't say much about Dave anymore, but when he does it stops your heart.  The phone rang this week and he ran to it, picked it  up, and said "OH, It's Daddy!"...his tone was sort of like "Finally...my daddy is calling!"  I had to pick myself up off the floor.  Really, daddy, this is serious torture in a small kitchen.  How much can a frazzled mommy take?  We had another incident this week too, where I went up to him and kissed the back of his neck and said "Who loves you baby?"  In my mind, I answered "Daddy".  The baby answered for me.  "Dada."  Yes he does my sweet love.  Forever and ever and ever.

4 comments:

  1. Ugh. Pain. ful. Sending so many loving vibes to you and your family!

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  2. You've got to start posting some pics

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  3. I can't read your blogs anymore, well at least today. I feel like an idiot for even crying because YOU are the one who had to go through this...IS groping through this... I know nothing anyone can say to you will make you feel any better but I just wanted you to know that you have done something for the world by writing. You have made the rest of us appreciate life more. But at what cost.... Oh I sound like an asshole. I don't have any more to say.

    Sorry, I'm not good at these kinds of things. I just couldn't read so much and just close the page without saying anything at all.

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  4. I am hysterically sobbing right now. I am trying to muddle my way through my huband's recent admission of an affair, and picturing our lives without him in it daily-- meaning ACROSS TOWN-- is too much for me to bear, much less thinking of life LITERALLY without him. My boys are 4 and 21 months. Your Blakie is absolutely gutting my heart. Gutting. I just found your blog tonight so am feverishly reading from the beginning... I don't know if you explain later, or if I've missed info somewhere, but I have so many questions: how did he do it/how did Blakie see him die? WHY did he put your sweet baby in that position???? Did he leave a note??? We just dealt with my husband's business partner's suicide 3 months ago, so I would like to think that my husband would never go there, but I sure have made his life hell the past few months over what he did... UGH. Oh my god. I like, want to call you on the phone and talk to you and be your friend. (ha!) I love your writing. But I'm still sobbing.... UGH. I am SO SORRY for you and your boys having to live through this, and I don't mean to equate my what-now-seems-petty situation to yours. But I can relate to a tiny fraction of feeling like you are a terrible mother now because you just can't function. I feel like I am neglecting my kids because my world came crashing down and I just don't know where to set the pain down so I can be a mom for a minute... Anyhoo, this is about you, not me. Am SO lifting you up in prayer tonight.

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