September 25, 2011

Physical Pain

I miss you so much it literally takes my breath away sometimes.  It feels like I just can’t breathe, like my heart is bursting from the pain.  The knot in my throat hurts so badly.  This morning I asked the baby “who loves you?”  As soon as I said it, I was thinking “daddy”.  Daddy loves you.  It’s been months and he is so tiny and clueless, but he answered daddy…like he was in my head, and in yours. I know you were right there with us, I felt you.  And it hurt me so bad.  I am glad you are here, glad you are helping us, glad you are trying to pull me through.  I love you so much and I know you love me too.  I know that you are happy now, you are well, you are all the things you couldn’t be here.  But that makes me sad.  I wanted to enjoy all those parts of you.  I wanted you to feel all that here with us.  I don’t know why you couldn’t.  We all have so much love for one another here…the boys and I.  We are happy and peaceful…but we miss you so.  Please stay near us Dave.  The last few days have been rough for me.  Friday I cried until I thought I was going crazy and almost had a panic attack.  It hurt me and scared me.  I just ache for you. Want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, feel you, see you, hear your voice.  You’re not in my dreams…and I hate it.