October 25, 2011


There...I said the word. And I so hate it. I've been thinking today about how many people just don't get it. They think Dave is a coward, a quitter, a man who deserted his wife and 3 kids, babies so young they won't even remember their daddy. I probably thought all that too, before my life was destroyed by it. I've even admitted that if this happened to someone else I knew, I would be saying "How did the wife not know? Why didn't she help him? Why didn't anybody DO anything?" It's such a sneaky killer, really.  Those of us close to Dave in the last few weeks were the most shaken, obviously, but also the most stunned. Why didn't he say anything??? Why did he suffer in silence? And for how long?

When this happens to you, you realize that no one in their right mind does this. Looking back, I believe Dave suffered from anxiety and depression since Katrina. But I don't even think he KNEW what IT was. He never said "I'm depressed" or "I feel anxious". It was his way of life obviously. To cope he snuck pills, hid it from everyone. But the wrong kind of pills of course. And when he finally sought medical attention, he was prescribed adderrall. The adderrall put his problems front and center. Made everyday bullshit seem INSURMOUNTABLE. I feel so badly for him. I'm so sad this was his life. His one attempt at help killed him because he didn't understand the disease himself.

My sister in law is walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Fundraiser. The website is http://www.outofthedarkness.org. So appropriately named. I was saying this morning if you have cancer or diabetes or MS people do walks and raise money...but there is less understanding about mental illness. You can't see it on an x-ray so it mustn't be real. I wonder what would have happened if Dave would have seen a commerical or heard a radio spot or passed a billboard with a flashing suicide prevention number? Would he have called? Would he be here today?


  1. ((((BigHugs)))). I am only 6months+ LATE with my hugs, I know and I am very sorry for just now coming across your blog and posts. I was scrolling down all of the Mommy blogs and read yours briefly and I instantly was "taken" or attached and wanted to learn more about you and your story. Because, I have a big caring, understanding heart and I can very much relate to people suffering in some way because I too suffer in my own life and I just understand. Period. Nice meeting you this way and I would like to know your name so that I can know that I am speaking to a person. Odd meeting others that we would never ever come across in real life. GOD puts people in our lives for reasons we do not understand or have learned yet. I believe we are to meet for good reason. Lol. Your post is so honestly open and so sad! I am truly sorry for your loss and for your children's loss. Just know that i am real and I do care and I pray that GOD helps you and your children through this. I hope that you have close friends and family near you to lean on. I am one person but I just want to send you a big hug for what you are going through. This is unfair and not your fault. Let people talk ridiculously as they will. They do not walk in your shoes or Dave's shoes to judge. GOD rightfully judges. Dave was not your responsibility. You and your children are. It sounds like from your more recent posts (trying to catch up on) that you are on the right path and doing your beautiful best to be there for your boys. Be proud. Your boys need you and depend on you greatly as you know. I admire your strength. Noone knows what strong is until strong is the only thing to be to get through. I cannot relate to your experience but I can relate to mental illness, sadness, etc. and I know how to care about others in need. Hugs to you and your boys! Warmly, gina & 2 girls. Prayers & thoughts uplifted your way :)

  2. I am glad I found your blog. My cousin just committed suicide and left behind 5 children and a wife. I have a small insight into what his family might be suffering right now. I hope that I can help her in some way. The mix of anger and sadness I feel for myself is so tiny in comparison to his wife and children. I read your words and almost imagine that his wife could be saying those things. Thanks for being so open and honest. My cousins wife is suffering silently in front of the family but I know behind closed doors she has to be feeling intense feelings of anger and pain.

  3. I came across your blog tonight. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have felt the loss of suicide as well (though it wasn't someone as close to me as in the case of you and your husband) and I can relate to your grief. It has been 9 years now and some days I feel the loss as strongly as if it were just yesterday.

    For Suicide Prevention Week this year (Sept. 9 to Sept. 15) I am writing one post a day and I was hoping to incorporate personal stories with the "facts/stats" that I will be sharing. After reading this post, I wanted to ask you if you would be willing to either allow me to repost this as a guest post one day that week or if you would be willing to write a guest post for one day that week.

    I am leaving you a link to my latest blog post which will give you a little back story about why I chose to do this for that week. I hope you read it and decide that it would be something you would like to do. I would truly appreciate it! I look forward to reading the rest of your blog in the next few days to get caught up and I will be following you on your journey.


  4. My Father committed suicide...as did his mother before him, not the kind of thing you brag runs in the family. Just recently came across your blog. Thank you for sharing so openly & honestly.

  5. My mothers father committed suicide many years ago. Bipolar Disorder runs rampant in my family like a raging wildfire. Eight years ago, my brother shot himself. I have struggled with my bipolar depression for many years. I have been in the darkness many times and have more than once attempted to cease the pain of living. I never truly wanted to die I just didn't see any other options to living in pain. I struggle daily. In those times I honestly felt my family would also be better served by my death than by my painful presence of life. I hope your blog helps people cope with losing someone in that manner. Even more so I hope it can prevent a tragedy from happening to someone else.