I miss you so much it literally takes my breath away sometimes. It feels like I just can’t breathe, like my heart is bursting from the pain. The knot in my throat hurts so badly. This morning I asked the baby “who loves you?” As soon as I said it, I was thinking “daddy”. Daddy loves you. It’s been months and he is so tiny and clueless, but he answered daddy…like he was in my head, and in yours. I know you were right there with us, I felt you. And it hurt me so bad. I am glad you are here, glad you are helping us, glad you are trying to pull me through. I love you so much and I know you love me too. I know that you are happy now, you are well, you are all the things you couldn’t be here. But that makes me sad. I wanted to enjoy all those parts of you. I wanted you to feel all that here with us. I don’t know why you couldn’t. We all have so much love for one another here…the boys and I. We are happy and peaceful…but we miss you so. Please stay near us Dave. The last few days have been rough for me. Friday I cried until I thought I was going crazy and almost had a panic attack. It hurt me and scared me. I just ache for you. Want to hold you, hug you, kiss you, feel you, see you, hear your voice. You’re not in my dreams…and I hate it.
September 21, 2011
Has 9 lives, thinks it would take alot to kill me, feels like I've been alive a million years, could kick the asses of 10 men, still wants to shoot robbers, divorced a ghost this week, is looking old but feeling better, thinks the term widow is for arachnids and will never check that box.
September 13, 2011
So today is little darling's first nap day at school. The 23 mos old baby who has to 'hold hands, hold hands!" with me even while I cook or fold clothes is going to attempt 'napping' on his big boy nap mat today. I've already called school. He isn't crying, but he isn't sleeping either. Good enough. We always layed down with him for naps. He has been so needy with real separation anxiety since Dave's death. Can't blame the tot. He literally watched his daddy die. For 6 solid weeks after, he tossed and turned and thrashed around the bed chanting "Daddy fell down, daddy got a bad bobo" over and over again until I thought I would pull my hair out one by one. The bigger kids would beg me to make him stop. I couldn't make him stop. No amount of caressing, singing, holding, hugging, crying would make the baby stop. His sheer exhaustion is all that made him stop. One day while laying down with him for a nap, I was reading and basically just tuning out the chants. When I 'came to' and focused on what he was saying, I was jolted into reality. "Daddy don't die, Daddy don't die, Daddy don't die". What exactly is the response to this? I just smiled and snuggled up close to him. In my head I was screaming the same thing. The tears rolled down my face and we fell asleep. The last month or so has been better. He doesn't say much about Dave anymore, but when he does it stops your heart. The phone rang this week and he ran to it, picked it up, and said "OH, It's Daddy!"...his tone was sort of like "Finally...my daddy is calling!" I had to pick myself up off the floor. Really, daddy, this is serious torture in a small kitchen. How much can a frazzled mommy take? We had another incident this week too, where I went up to him and kissed the back of his neck and said "Who loves you baby?" In my mind, I answered "Daddy". The baby answered for me. "Dada." Yes he does my sweet love. Forever and ever and ever.
September 5, 2011
how can it be? we miss you so much. so many things i've wanted to say, wanted to share, wanted to do with you in those 2 months. things will never be the same. trying hard to adjust to the new normal, the normal that we hate, the normal that hurts all the time. the happy moments are bittersweet. will it ever go away and stop hurting less, so that we can breathe normally, laugh with abandon, and live...really live. the prayers from everywhere have lifted us up, and literally keep us going. Today I found the card you gave me for valentines day this year. it said alot of mushy stuff..and ended with "...and no matter what i always love you with all my heart".....
- ► 2012 (109)