October 25, 2011

S.U.I.C.I.D.E.

There...I said the word. And I so hate it. I've been thinking today about how many people just don't get it. They think Dave is a coward, a quitter, a man who deserted his wife and 3 kids, babies so young they won't even remember their daddy. I probably thought all that too, before my life was destroyed by it. I've even admitted that if this happened to someone else I knew, I would be saying "How did the wife not know? Why didn't she help him? Why didn't anybody DO anything?" It's such a sneaky killer, really.  Those of us close to Dave in the last few weeks were the most shaken, obviously, but also the most stunned. Why didn't he say anything??? Why did he suffer in silence? And for how long?

When this happens to you, you realize that no one in their right mind does this. Looking back, I believe Dave suffered from anxiety and depression since Katrina. But I don't even think he KNEW what IT was. He never said "I'm depressed" or "I feel anxious". It was his way of life obviously. To cope he snuck pills, hid it from everyone. But the wrong kind of pills of course. And when he finally sought medical attention, he was prescribed adderrall. The adderrall put his problems front and center. Made everyday bullshit seem INSURMOUNTABLE. I feel so badly for him. I'm so sad this was his life. His one attempt at help killed him because he didn't understand the disease himself.

My sister in law is walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Fundraiser. The website is http://www.outofthedarkness.org. So appropriately named. I was saying this morning if you have cancer or diabetes or MS people do walks and raise money...but there is less understanding about mental illness. You can't see it on an x-ray so it mustn't be real. I wonder what would have happened if Dave would have seen a commerical or heard a radio spot or passed a billboard with a flashing suicide prevention number? Would he have called? Would he be here today?

October 5, 2011

3 Months


‎3 months. The last 30 days have taken 2 years to pass. Perhaps time does fly when you're havin' fun, because when you are definetely not havin' fun, it creeps ever sooo slowlyyyyy! I try to use all the additional minutes to love my kids and keep my house clean. That's why my house is still clean people! I've come to the realization that this is basically just "IT". I do what the grief therapists say, I "work through the grief."  I try to "live in the moment", blah blah effin blah. I don't like the grief people right now. Cause right now, in this moment, it SUCKS. And guess what, I think it's always going to suck. I think there might be varying degrees of suckiness...like I'm not always laying on the floor sobbing, sometimes the tears just stream silently and I don't have a panic attack. But they are there everyday, with this gaping hole in my heart. I believe that old ladies are the only ones who tell the truth. They come up to me from nowhere, grab hold of my arm, get so close I can smell the peppermint in their mouth and they look me right in the eye and say, "This is it baby, the hurt doesn't go away."  BAM! So now what? I practice acceptance. I don't question God. And I pray so hard, so hard, so hard, to feel true happiness and peace everyday. I saw a post today that said "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." So I will vow to dance in the rain, but I think I know that people dancing in the rain are doing that so you can't see their tears.