Fuck You

You know what, Dave. You’re a piece of shit.  Jay told me there were papers and boxes of your things in your mom's empty rental.  I went there yesterday to get them and see what was there. Your usual chaotic mess of receipts I probably asked you for 100 times, your tablets with small writing that made no sense, notes and lists that you probably never followed through on, and at the bottom mixed in with paperclips, dirty nickels and pennies and junk was a plastic baggie with a crushed up pill in it.  What is surprising and alarming about this is that all the stuff was from 2008.  You were doing that fucked up shit that long ago.  I can’t even imagine all the lies you told me.  All the stuff you hid from me.  How many times I asked you what was going on, begged you to be ok, prayed and wished for our marriage to be better, and all you ever did, it seems, was lie.  I hate you for being a liar.  And a coward.  You are so right….I do deserve better. I know I am a good person who always tries to do the right thing.    Everyone thinks I should be over this by now.   So many people act like nothing happened.  I’ll never be over it.  How does one get over this? There is no fucking way.  Driving up to this house and knowing right away you were dead was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.  Knowing my kids saw you die, you fucked up piece of shit, you did this in front of them. I fucking hate you.  Loser loser loser.  I hope you are rotting in hell, for a little while anyway, you deserve it.  I’m sick of being sad.  Sick of being ruined by you.  All I ever wanted was happiness and peace and love.  There was never peace with you around. One can’t be at peace when their soul is full of lies.  One can’t be happy when their whole life is a lie.  And as for love, I don’t think you really know what it means. 

Joy to the World

Omg I can't do this. Day2 of the holiday season and I cannot stop crying. I can't do this for a month. I'm scared.

Seriously.

This really happens.

I think for your listening pleasure I will start recording the phone conversations with the credit card company calling to try to convince me to pay for my dead husbands debt. They usually call while I am simultaneously cooking, on my 2nd hour of 4th grade homework, and have little ones either in the tub or destroying my house. I should add that I am not medicated but have been drinking and also quit smoking yesterday. LOL