December 13, 2011

Stuck


Sometimes I just sit here.  I try not to even think.  I feel like I’m dead…like such a big part of me is dead.  I still wish we could all die, but I don’t have the courage to kill us all.  I know we could all be together in heaven, so who cares.  Everyone left here could see how I feel then.  Broken. Sad.  Done.  Lied to.  Manipulated. Tricked.  The more I look at pictures of you, the more I see a diseased person.  A person who did not look well.  A person who appeared to be dying of cancer.  A long time ago you looked good, here and there you looked well.  A lot of times you didn’t.  You looked horrible at our wedding.  You so did not ever handle stress well.  I do hate you a lot.  I feel like you are a big loser and you didn’t try.  I hate that your family doesn’t see the truth about you.  I don’t know what it’s gonna take for me to be happy.  I want us to be happy again.  I want to be loved. I want to love.  For now and maybe forever I will love my kids so damn much it will burst my heart open.  I hope they feel the same way.  Thank God for them.  I truly desire peace and happiness for us.  Lord please give us respite in your Sacred Heart.  Forgive me for being angry and hateful towards a sick man who hurt us so deeply that we may not recover.