January 5, 2012

Six Months, Half a Year


6 months.  Half a year.  How can it be?  2012, the first year you are not alive.  It's better than it was 6 months ago.  I pray 6 mos from now more healing has taken place. Some days, most days, I think I can really do this.  Some days I wish so hard we could all close our eyes and be gone.  I just want us all to be happy.  Really happy, not fake happy.   The kids are bearing the brunt of it right now. It took a while for it to sink in with them.  The oldest is quiet a lot, crying at the drop of a hat.  If I ask him if he’s sad about daddy, he gets mad.  He told someone he’s had  5 sleepovers with friends and every one of them has a daddy.

We spent New Years with my dad and family.  We got new guns for Christmas and enjoyed a day of target practice.  Middle darling was hanging like a kid from the head bar of the ATV and he blurted out “This is what it smelled like when Daddy died.” It hadn’t even crossed my mind that we were doing anything ‘wrong’.  It comes out in small bits and pieces like this.  A few nights later he told me how Dave’s arm shook while he died.  I let him talk and I just listen, then I hold on to him like there is no tomorrow.  Big darling confided that he is scared every night of the robbers coming back.  I asked him if he happened to see how many times mommy hit the orange target?  There is no harm coming to these kids while I am here to defend them.  That I know.  We went through the whole scenario again…how the door was unlocked, the lights outside were off, we had no alarm, etc.  All that is different now.  It sucks to have lost the carefree way we once lived, but the reality is that we share our city with hundreds of thousands of thugs.  So be it.  I’m thankful that I grew up with guns, learned so early how to handle and respect them, and have no fear of defending my family.  All I can say with certainty is that I’m a survivor.  I hope my boys will learn to be the same way. 

Even the baby, whom you would think doesn’t have a clue what is going on, will throw a bomb to you out of nowhere.  He cuddles up close sometimes, just beams at me and says  “I’m so happy," then says, “I really love daddy."  It is usually in a moment when I am feeling Dave is literally sucking the air from my breath, I am feeling him so strong and close.  He told me a few nights ago that Daddy died in the garage with a gun.  He is the hardest one to talk to, because I just don’t know what he understands.  Daddy is in heaven…so where is that?  He’s with Jesus, Baby Jesus?  He always points up, although I’ve been careful to never do that.  I think Heaven is everywhere, another dimension but not necessarily UP.  The older kids are scared of ghosts now.  My answer is that Jesus is a ghost, He’s the HOLY GHOST, are you scared of Him?  A ghost is a spirit, so daddy is one too in the technical sense of the word.  I pray as they get older they can open their hearts to receive the gifts I believe I receive from my spirits every day.  What about bad spirits they ask?  We’re not open to them, I say.  Deep stuff for a 16 yr old….deep stuff for a thousand year old mama who is really only 43 in the flesh!  I swear I do feel  1000.  Luckily I only look 100. 

So we survived Christmas and New Years because my family rocks.  In the next 6 months, we need to survive Dave’s birthday, Father’s day, and the anniversary of his death all in the span of 30 days.  People you will need to pull out the stops for me.  Show up here, scoop me off the floor, text me dirty messages, drag us to church, I don’t know….I’m scared to death.  More scared of that than anything.  What are my kids going to do when everyone else makes a Father’s Day project?  Are they going to say my mom is turning into a gun wielding aggressive lunatic who is perhaps part man now and just make me a card?  Or make him a card and bring it to the cemetery?  Or make cards for Uncle Poo Poo and Uncle Brian and Pere Pere  and Tyler…the men they adore? Should we just be sick that day and drive to Disney?? There is no handbook here.  I’ll let you all know once mine is written.  

Which brings me to the next question…why share this?  I am the cautionary tale.  And this blog is my wakeup call to the universe. I hope it affects you positively in some way.  Don’t just read it and be sad.  Read it and know that the powers of prayers from thousands of people can affect change in every way.  I find the positive in everything, even in ridiculous stuff.  This new way of life is very liberating, much less stressful and I have a lot more patience.  Peace and Love for 2012….live it like the Mayans might be right.  You won’t be sorry.

5 comments:

  1. Make it a sick day and drive to Disney

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  2. I just don't understand! Why did this have to happen to you? It should have happened to me. *I know, HOW could I say that* But I was tortured by my son's father for 6 months, some of the things he did to me I'll never even be able to pour into my blog! Night after night I prayed that he'd come home, not get arrested, not fall asleep face down in a marsh, not so drunk that he got hit by a car, etc. etc. It should have happened to my son's father and not to you. 4years later he is engaged for the SIXTH time and onto kid #3, when he wasn't even there for the birth of his 2nd. It's not fair. My beautiful 5 yr old boy is the only one in our neighborhood of little boys WITHOUT his dad and he's the only one I see getting bullied on a continued basis. Every April's Fools day I change my relationship status to "widowed" I do it with the movie OH! Brother Where Art Thou in mind. She says in the movie "plenty of respectable people get hit by trains." and I used that as the basis for my own personal joke, but with you in mind, I'll probably never do it again. xoxo

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  3. sigh. every father's day sucks. every mother's day sucks. every holiday sucks. don't even ASK about suck-ass xmas. holidays are the hardest time for me and why are there so many of them? do we really need all these holidays? i usually end up in bed at night crying. even after 13 years. i hope it isn't like that for you.

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  4. Yep, next year I will have to deal with our Anniversary, Andre's birthday, and the anniversary of his death all within a few weeks of each other. And then come the Holidays. Yay me.

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  5. I read this and I can't help be sad. But at least it helps me remember to be available for my sister who posted the previous comment. Thanksgiving is coming up, then Christmas, then my sweet nephew's birthday. At least we have a break for a while until Father's day rolls around.

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