February 6, 2012


I think my kids are plotting against me.  I feel they may be trying to kill me, even.  Doing this by myself is so hard.  And I suspect they see I’m not all that good at it, and they’re moving in for the kill.  I’m not sure what is so different now.  I mean, besides the obvious thing – that everything, every aspect of our lives, is different.  I find myself frantically looking away 400 times a day, like I’m going to see Dave hovering there in angel wings, with some magical words of wisdom on a shiny, engraved, golden tablet.  Help me dammit, they’re your kids too, I whisper.  I’m genuinely surprised when he doesn’t appear with the glowing tablets in hand.  Surely he knows how desperate I am for peace.  But he is just not here in the physical sense, where one word, spoken from the lips of a father, in a tone of voice that is at once masculine, makes all the difference in the world.  It means ‘you will deal with me now’, and ‘your mother has had enough’.  I don’t think Dave ever spanked a kid.  Ever.  It just wasn’t needed.  All that was needed was his patience, and when that wore thin, his voice. Dave and I, we were like yin and yang.  He was patient, I am not.  He was quiet, I am loud.  He was soft spoken, I am about as subtle as a dump truck.  And now there is no balance in this house.  I am stuck on a seesaw that won’t go up.  Speak to me, I beg him.  Silence is my answer.  In desperation, I wonder if ‘silence’ really is the answer.  This house is rarely quiet, and when it is, I am frantically trying to catch up on the hundreds of things that slipped through my fingers while I was juggling three kids at once, school, homework, soccer, poo diapers, cuts and scrapes, illnesses, fighting, cooking, cleaning, grocery store, tending to the yard, reading, hugging, kissing,  breaking up fights and dealing with the grief of 4 people, 3 of them little and confused….I feel I literally run from one place to another, trying to accomplish what I have decided I need to accomplish, and feeling at the end of every day that I just wasn’t good enough.  I didn’t really do anything good.  I know I did lots of things, and lots of them were good…

The Taijitu is one of the oldest and best-known life symbols in the world, but few understand its full meaning. It represents one of the most fundamental and profound theories of ancient Taoist philosophy. At its heart are the two poles of existence, which are opposite but complementary. The light, white Yang moving up blends into the dark, black Yin moving down. Yin and Yang are dependent opposing forces that flow in a natural cycle, always seeking balance. Though they are opposing, they are not in opposition to one another. As part of the Tao, they are merely two aspects of a single reality. Each contains the seed of the other, which is why we see a black spot of Yin in the white Yang and vice versa. They do not merely replace each other but actually become each other through the constant flow of the universe.

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