February 14, 2012

The heart has been stabbed with arrows. And this is good?

I feel like I’m not a good mother because the baby is not happy this week unless he’s watching Caillou. Which he watches entirely too much. And I’m about to pull the plug on the whole shebang. Why? Because fucking Caillou and his family are way too happy. That’s why. And Caillou’s daddy is always around, right there by him, being such a good daddy. Doesn’t he have a job to go to? We have a lot of Caillou books too, and I swear they are more about the daddy than the mommy! Sometimes I try to say “Mommy” instead of “Daddy” but they catch me. Sometimes I start crying when I read them, like when Caillou’s perfect daddy teaches him to ride a bike and I realize just who in the hell is going to teach them how to ride a bike. I think about Dave running down the street behind the big darling, holding on to his bike, being so patient and gentle with him. They don’t make me read it a lot after I cry about it. I haven’t cried over Caillou books lately, so now I’m having to read them again. And I am seriously annoyed by it. They all speak like they’re on way too much Prozac or something. Entirely too chipper for me. No one fights. They all get along. It’s just so stupid and fake. Yesterday I was grumpy and I walked into the room to put clothes away and I started saying, really loud, “You know Caillou isn’t real, and neither is his mom or dad. Yeah, because no one is that nice. When they are not on TV, they probably fight and Caillou probably gets in trouble. Everyone’s mother yells sometime, ok?!” I’m saying this to a 2 year old, who is talking back to me saying, “No! Caillou is weal! You don’t say dat, bad mommy”. Too bad. I’m convinced the reason the baby is semi-miserable (other than the fact that he’s two and he’s learning life kinda sucks) is because he thinks all the world should be like Caillou. His mommy should speak like Caillou’s mommy, always exclaiming “weeeee” every time she picks him up or swings him. Yes, that BS is coming to a screeching halt. He needs to start watching some cartoons where the dad has deserted the family, and the mom drinks and curses a lot.

This morning, all my boys were super sweet, telling me Happy Valentine’s Day and dishing out the extra love. I love that. Everyone woke up in a good mood for a change.  The baby didn’t fight with me to get dressed or change his diaper or even brush his teeth. Thank God. It’s the small things, I swear. While I was putting away breakfast dishes he was standing in the kitchen with his shopping cart, just quietly talking to himself. “yeah, bedause Daddy died. Daddy had to go to Heaven. And the baby died too.”  The big darling and I were somewhat alarmed. When this kind of talking ensues, a hush comes over the whole house. “What baby?” we asked. When he realized we were both crouched down next to him looking very curious, he got sort of quiet and just said, “The baby outside.” I have no idea what that was about, maybe nothing. This is how he processes things, though, and ‘they’ tell me this is good that he is actually processing it. I wish it wasn’t out loud on Valentine’s Day.

Tonight, we will dine on steak and lobster and chocolate dipped strawberries. We will listen to Mardi Gras music, loud, and throw beads while cooking. My cousin, who is too good for men, is coming over, because she wants to be with an awesome chick who is also too good for men. So there. We are too good for you and our party will be funner without you.
I got the blues, the red and the pinks.....all I know is.......LOVE STINKS............J Geils Band

1 comment:

  1. I thought I was the only one who thought that about Caillou & other annoying toddler shows my now 4 yr. old (then younger like yours) darling cousin made me sit through after she hijacked my remote & bed. Now that she's almost 5 (& living w/ us), she's starting to watch Disney channel more, which makes me appreciate the Nick Jr. because now she thinks it's normal for 11 year olds to flirt & date. I never thought I would want her to start watching Yo Gabba Gabba again. Btw, I'm a new reader & absolutely love how effin real your blog is. My mom is also your age & a widow w/ 4 kids (5 incl. her darling niece), 1 of which (guess who?) is disabled & experienced more in her 23 years of life, than most people will in a lifetime (unfortunately it's the crappy kind of experience, not the fun, bucket list type). Remember 1 thing that helps me get through life; it's only temporary, forever bliss & joy will hopefully be in Heaven reunited w/ our loved ones.