February 26, 2012

I miss me


 I woke up this morning to find that 783 people have viewed by blog.  Since I went to bed last night at 10:30.  They LIKE ME.  A man from Nigeria likes me.  Christ, do they even speak English there?  It turns out there are all these big cliques of bloggers out there.  Who knew?  I’ve spent a good part of the morning browsing a lot of very funny blogs.   I so wish I would have started this on the sly, without my photo sitting up in the corner of the page.  It’s just that it happened so innocently.  My friends kept texting and emailing and calling, asking how I was doing.  What did they want me to say?  Fine?  I was so sick of lying because maybe they didn’t really want to know.  But the truth is that I want people to know.  I want people to know just how much this sucks.  I want jerks out there who have thought about killing themselves to read my blog and feel like slime.  To be ashamed of themselves.  And to tell somebody or get help.  And I want spouses and friends of people who seem depressed and withdrawn to do something that I didn’t do.  Drive that mutha to the hospital and drop them off!! 

After Dave died, I uploaded all his photos to shutterfly.  Every photo ever taken of him.  Shutterfly automatically puts your photos in chronological order.  Let me tell you something.  Looking at those photos in chronological order was a true awakening for me.  What the heck was I thinking?  What a fool I was.  It was my fault!  I pressed the slideshow button and I watched him die.  Over and over and over again.  I watched him die quickly on my screen.  I had a conversation with my dad about this.  He assured me it wasn’t my fault, because it happened in real life time, not 2 minutes of slideshow time.  If Dave had taken a trip for a month and come home like he was in the end, detached, withdrawn, silent, sad, skinny, etc., I would have driven him to the hospital.  I would have.  But that’s not how it happened. 

Unfortunately, it was just our real life.  Day in and day out.   Me, noticing he just wasn’t himself.  Him, denying repeatedly anything was wrong.  Me, asking if he was taking drugs or drinking.  Him, with his best lie face, perfected over the years, calmly saying no and fooling even me.  Who the fack fools me?  No one.  That’s who.  I knew something was wrong.  But an army of psychic seers could not have convinced me he would DO THIS. 

He renewed his driver’s license that morning.  We were texting from the eye doctor’s office where I sat complaining about the wait.  We talked about dinner and about how much longer we would be.  And then, he just quit answering.  Because he was standing in our garage with a loaded .38 caliber touching his chest.  So accurately did he blow his heart away that he surely must have felt for the beautiful vibration of his beating heart to place the gun just so.  My 16 year old stepdaughter was standing at the top of the outside stair landing holding my 18 mos old son and also holding hands with my 4 year old.  They were coming to ask him if they could go swimming. They saw him walk into the garage.  They heard a noise.  Didn’t know what it was.  Cause surely it wasn’t him killing himself.  But it was.  Because this world is not at all what we think it is.  Because we don’t control anything.  Because in an instant….BOOM.  Your ass is handed to you. 

The other part of this that I hope resonates with people is just how ridiculously, insanely, horribly HARD this is.  This single parent stuff.  Good Lord Almighty.  If you know a person who is a single parent, please go to their house today.  And make them leave the house, alone, or, take their kids away from them if only for enough time that they can take a crap and wipe without reaching over or under a kid.  I realize what’s different about my situation is that most single parents have an ex.  The ex takes the kids at least every other weekend.  Maybe a couple nights during the week.  Maybe extra if you’re super frazzled, because you can lie and say, “Oh yeah, I forgot, I have that appointment.”  HEAVEN.  That’s what that is.  Heaven. 

I worry sometimes that people will think I don’t love my kids or that I’m not good to them.  I don’t really care.  It’s precisely because I love them so much that I am brutally honest about how I feel.  Because I think other parents feel like this sometimes too and they feel it even though they are getting a $%#@ing break and don’t have their spouse’s suicide note in their drawer!  I never ever ever wanted to be a single parent precisely because I was quite sure I couldn’t do it.  Wouldn’t pass muster.  I was right. Don’t get me wrong. I am doing it.  One day I might even be good at it.  But I doubt it.  I’m too selfish.  I need breaks.  I happen to love myself.  A lot.  But I never get to.  And I miss me.  Profusely.  

Tomorrow I swear I will write about just how much I love my kids.  About how they rip my heart open, so full of love it becomes when I just even look at them.  I wish this wasn’t their life.  I know deep down it’s not the best it can be because I remember another life.  And I think that’s what I hate so much.  I know what a better life it could be…how having a daddy would be like a soothing balm just being massaged all over them.  But I’m just a mommy.  I don’t have that daddy balm.  No matter how much I do, say, overcompensate….I can’t be a daddy.  Just yesterday I passed a woman in the grocery who beamed at my darlings and said, “Oh your husband must be so proud.”  I hope so is what I mumbled.

6 comments:

  1. I haven't stopped crying in 3 hours. I read your most recent post, then went right to the beginning, knowing I needed to read from the start. I've only got this far... I take a break when I can't see through my tears.

    My husband had one unsuccessful suicide attempt (stopped himself when hanging himself hurt more than he thought it would), then seemed fine for months. Now, less than a week ago he spoke to his doctor about his latest mental anguish and his latest suicidal thoughts. I found out after the fact. Three days after the appointment which I thought was routine. I found out because he was acting withdrawn and wouldn't talk to me so I picked a fight to get him to talk. His mom called during it all though so we didn't get to finish. I told him I wanted to finish talking though and could we finish one night after the kids are in bed. There has been 4 nights that would have worked. I'm tired of waiting for him...

    I get the impression that you didn't see his suicide coming... Sometimes I wish that I could be the same way. Instead I do see it coming. I also think that no matter what I do, I can't stop it from happening. Then I wish I could just be broadsided with it. That way I could live his last days in ignorant bliss. Instead, I fear every time I leave him home alone that I'll come home and find him.

    We have two kids. DD is almost 20 months. DS is only one month. Neither of them would remember him. What breaks my heart more than living without him is our kids growing up without him. My daughter getting married without him there to walk her down the aisle. My son learning to drive. Their first days of school. Riding bikes. Taking them to a zoo or the fair. I CAN do these things with them on my own, but why would he want to miss it?!? My daughter loves her daddy more than bath time, going to the park, tacos, and reading stories combined. How could he break her heart?!?

    What ever feelings you feel are justified. Life (and death) aren't fair. All we can do some days is hug our kids and be thankful that we have them, even when they are brats and we want to sell them on eBay. They might be all we have left of our husbands some day.

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  2. Oh my god!! My ex left us in March. I knew he was different before he even returned from Afghanistan. I knew he had a drug problem. Until I read the part about the shutterfly pictures, I couldn't see what is happening to him!! He is dying!! I saw a new picture of his yesterday, and for the first time ever, he looked OLD. He is only 42. He looks sick. I knew he was depressed, but.. oh my god!! What do I do?

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    1. I can only tell you what I WISH I WOULD HAVE DONE. I wish I would have driven him straight to the E.R., said he's lost too much weight, he's a lying sack of shit, and he lies with every word. He's probably addicted to drugs. Do a drug test. Make up shit if you have to. Say he threatened suicide. JUST DO IT.

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    2. Thank you so much for your words. I cannot imagine losing him that way....

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    3. I know you asked DMW but I'm going to offer my 2 cents anyway. Fight him. Fight for him since he's unable to fight for himself right now. PTSD from war is so hard. Soldiers feel like they aren't allowed to be bothered by what they went through and what they saw. My uncle has it from the Persian Gulf War/Op DS. I recognized it even though his now ex-wife insisted everything was fine. I filed a petition to have him Baker Acted. While he still has his moments, they're further and further apart now. He also calls me randomly when something in his life has happens, be it big or small to thank me for forcing him into getting help, just to say without the help he wouldn't have been around to see or feel it.

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  3. you know... no matter how good and strong the relationship in your marriage is, you always need a marriage counselor. i never knew that and that's why my husband and i was always fighting when i don't even know where the problem was coming from. we are deeply inlove but when we fight, you won't believe we would ever be husband and wife. it's has been like that ever since and i was kinda getting use to it and anytime we are having quarrel i thought it is a minor thing that we can always solve it out but the last one we had, almost lead my marriage to divorce if not for the help of goddess sunlight who saved it. the marriage was already on the falling point by then it was like someone in a burning building...she tried to escape but the door was smashed and the window burning heavily escape was far from her she looked around and plug the tv and started watching hoping to die without any hope o getting out of it... just like in such frustration. i really want to thank goddess sunlight for her great restoration because if i'd get burnt by then my husband won't look at me but now, he'd prefer to be set ablaze just for me to live and i love him that much and i prayed that this love jai mata sunlight brought to home should never end because now i am enjoying the real love from my husband. sunlight is a queen mother of love with full understanding. if you want to get your love ones back contact her if you need counseling in your marriage contact her via sunlightmata@gmail.com and i assure you your broken heart shall be restored back

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