February 28, 2012

Shut up and live.


Does anyone know what a nervous breakdown is?  I remember hearing the word periodically when I was growing up, hushed tones on the phone about some poor mutha, I’m sure.  I never really knew what it was.  I still don’t.  Is it a medical term or just something a mutha screams about?  I’m declaring right now that I think I had a few nervous breakdowns yesterday, and possibly have been having them for a few days.  Yesterday I declared an end to my blogging.  Told several people I was quitting, I had said everything I needed to say, and didn’t think I would share anymore.  I read my earlier post “I Miss Me” and it was so whiney and sad that I was embarrassed.  I just wanted to turn away…and God…it’s my own life and my own words!!!!  Pitiful.  I’m sick of sad shit.  I hate a sniveling, whining, moaning, sad ass person, and so for the last few days I have hated me.  It turns out my own sneaky mom read the blog yesterday.  Woops.  Sorry mom.  Sorry I told 1,700 strangers what I should have just told you.  I hope you are not mad.  And so everyone will say I’m a Drama Queen, like I want to wear this elaborate death tiara.  Perhaps if my own life weren’t so surreal all of my feelings wouldn’t have to be so dramatic to match.  I hope you forgive me.  I love you.   I feel like everyone thinks everything is over.  But it’s not over for me.  In some ways I fear it’s only beginning.  Because I’m really good in a crisis.  I’m always picked first for that team.  I’m like a lion on the savannah.  I’m a crises whore.  However, after things settle down a bit, I quietly hide in my beautiful home and do what you all have been doing all along.  Only I try to do it on the sly.  I think I’m doing that now.  I think it might be called a nervous breakdown.  Or maybe this is just what normal people do.  Except that I’m starting to figure out that normal people are just big fakers, so I’m not sure I even care what they do.  What I should have done yesterday was sit my ass in the moon lodge.  And not say a word!  But darn it, it is so grey and gloomy here right now.  I can’t even find a place I could pretend is a lodge.  I can’t remember the last time I saw the Sun.  I see why ancient civilizations worshipped the sun and thought God was indeed the Sun.  I see why people go to the light when they die.  I need the sun.  I don’t do well in February.  Have always hated this time of year and have always been sort of depressed this time of year.  I’m having a banner February, in case you haven’t noticed. Yesterday I thought about driving to Mexico, immediately, like not even packing and just driving.  But I don’t know how to get there and my friend said we would all be kidnapped at the border especially since we’re all blondes.

I’m not going to say much more, because I’m going to acupuncture today and I’m going to hypnotize myself into a moon lodge.  I have not been praying enough, and so now I’m not just praying, I’m begging.  As the Indians say, ‘the veil is thin now’.  So when I return I hope to have some insight from the Master.  I have a feeling He is going to say “Just shut the fuck up and live.”

10 comments:

  1. Yesterday you were having panic attacks. And it broke my heart to watch you. I wanted to scoop you up and give you that break.
    But, what you told your mom needed to be said. The truth fucking hurts and it's ugly as hell. And we each have our own truth.
    But, you are screaming at the top of your lungs for help. Yet, you are invisible. They don't see you. It's easier that way. For them.
    Keep screaming. Tell them you are fucking holding on by your fingernails. Don't stop!!!
    We hear you.
    xoxo

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    1. I didn't stop. I think they are hearing me now. Thanks for hearing me! ;)

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  2. No............ don't stop! I'm going to say (type) so technically its just in my head but my baby died! I've never,ever put those two words together in a sentence not even in therapy. I don't know what it is about reading (every single one) of your posts but its given me the strength to release it... even if you're someone I don't know. I cannot control the tears falling ... you know the ones that come without effort no sobbing involved they just flow... It took me YEARS just to talk about the loss of my baby... I finally blogged about it...I'm not exactly sure what I said, I don't go back and re-read mine. I would surly delete them. I kept my shit bottled up and me and it nearly killed me... it killed me in every way -- I was a walking dead person with the pain bottled up inside. I don't even fucking know you... but all your pain spewed on this blog has helped me... thank you. I am so sorry for your pain.

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    1. Wow. Just wow. Thanks for saying that to me. I hope you will hang around because I don't think I'm quitting.

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  3. I'm with the others..don't stop. Or at least I hope you don't. I came across your blog last weekend by following a link tweeted by eric marcus@whysuicide.
    I remember hearing the whispers about nervous breakdowns, but my folks would use the expression 'nerves collapsed.' I would hear quiet conversations about my grandmother's (Mamaw) nerves collapsing and would envision her lying outside under the streetlight like a rag doll with nothing inside her skin to keep her body shape..literally 'collapsed.' I now know way more about collapsing nerves than I ever wanted to know, and it certainly seems to be the same for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. It means little when you feel like the rag doll under the streetlight, but I don't think you have any idea of the depth of your courage.

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    1. LOVE the rag doll under the streetlight image. That's been me for a couple days! LOL. The acupuncture helped. I'm so calm today. But I'm in the moon lodge, so I'm not talking ;)

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  4. Hi Jerri. I just finished reading through all of your blogs after a friend of mine sent me a link to remind me that I am not alone. I, too, lost my husband to suicide (by a gun, in our garage, on a hot summer day). I, too, am left with three children. It was August 2009. Just 2 days after our daughter's 16th birthday, 3 days before his mother's birthday, and 5 days before his own birthday. His visitation service was held on his mother's birthday, and he was buried the day before he would've turned 49. My kids are now 18, 15 and 10 (girl, boy, girl). I found myself reading your blogs while I was at work today and trying to hold back the tears. So many things you write about I have felt or experienced, too. I would encourage you to keep blogging for two reasons: (1) it helps you; and (2) it helps us. You may have even inspired me to start writing some of this crap down myself. Anyway, I just wanted to say, "You're not alone" even though I know that's exactly how you feel a lot of times. I am now remarried, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay on that train, even though it moves so fast sometimes. You'll make it through the tunnel if for no other reason than for your boys.

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    1. Umm..yeah...can we be best friends? Girl, I hope you will stick around because we seriously need to talk! I feel like I'm the only one who has ever lived through this. It's so lonely! Thank you so much for responding to me!

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    2. You're SO welcome! I wanted to just send you a message but didn't really know how to do that on here. Now that I've found a kindred spirit, I'll keep checking in!! :)

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  5. Jer, you got your sunny day today!!! Squeaky wheel, spouting F-bombs get the grease. Didn't read your deleted blogs, but if this is theraputic for you then you have to stick with it. So much of what you do is for your kids and letting it out and letting it go will keep you from spewing it around them. I'm sure your apology will be accepted by J. I think of yall often and will continue to pray for you too. Amie C.

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