February 12, 2012

We almost had it all too

I just don’t get it, I never will get it, and frankly the topic’s been swirling around in my brain for 7 months and I’m freakishly tired of trying to get it. How can some people ‘almost have it all’ and just throw it all away? It’s such a tired cliché but damn, girl, why would you give up being a diva? A real life, true, rock star diva? From having it all to drowning in the bathtub after taking off your dirty black designer dress with champagne stains all over the front, blood dripping down your leg, your hair looking all ratty and sweaty. We almost had it all too…well....minus the millions and the diva status. But it was certainly good enough for me. All I ever wanted was for us to be happy. And now we have this…this…life? But I’m still not running out and getting addicted. I don’t think I CAN be addicted. I’ve never been addicted to anything in my life. Why? I can’t even answer that. I assume it’s because I CHOOSE not to. Why didn’t Dave choose this as well? Why didn’t Whitney choose it too? Why can I choose it, but they can’t?

A long time ago I was madly in love with a guy who had a coke habit. He didn’t look like a crack head, didn’t act like a crack head, didn’t dress like a crack head, didn’t drive a crack-mobile. How did I not know this? Back then people hinted to me that he was using drugs. I didn’t believe them. Why? For one he looked like a Greek Adonis, had skin the color of caramel candy, and he just seemed fun loving and adventurous to me. I’m a logical thinker and it didn’t fit squarely into the little box I wanted to put this guy in. In my mind, who would choose to do this? Maybe I just didn’t want it to be true.

Later I was in a relationship with a guy who was very obviously cheating on me. Why didn’t I know this? Why did I believe the lies? Because I turned up the heat and he told the lies and thus a little story was molded together until it fit squarely into the box. 20 years later he confided he was a cheater and I was stunned. Genuinely stunned! Who would cheat on me?! Why?!

Now, I look at my 14 years with Dave and I know how many lies he told me. And I know how insanely stupid I was for believing the lies. AGAIN. I mean seriously, I am a complete IDIOT. It's quite possible that my addiction is to ASSHOLES! The thing that is so damn ironic about all this is that I always thought I was such a good reader of people. I still believe this. I get a vibe from a person and I will not let them near me if it’s funky in any way. I can read them from across a room. But once a person is close to me, once they are in, they are in, baby. And this is my downfall. Loving too hard. Just throw down, out the box, all my might, don’t-care-what anybody-thinks loving. I see the people I love for their potential…not for what they are at the moment. And now I see this is terrible, really, terrible, and I fear I may have some sort of disorder. It has even been suggested that the ‘disorder’ may be codependency. Someone gave me a book called “CoDependent No More” a long time ago and suggested I may be co-dependent. I read the book, thought all the people in the book sounded absolutely dreadful, like wimpy door mats, yes-I-love-you-because-you-beat-me-kind-of-people and I knew that couldn't possibly be me. After all, I don’t let people walk all over me. This part is true. They may become addicted, they may be liars, they may be cheaters, but I am kicking their ass the whole way through. Each step of the way, I am turning up the heat. So much so, that in my presence, they are melted down and fitting perfectly into the box. Truly I should never let another person near me because of this.

Every single person, everyone, if they have spoken 10 words to me since Dave has died has said the exact same thing to me. You are young, you have so much going for you, you will love again. People, are you nuts? Has everyone lost their minds? I don’t want to love again. Love stinks. I am bad at love. I have a love disorder. I’m a train wreck. Not to mention, does not a one of you see what a tough sell this would be? Oh yes, Hi. I have a love disorder. It will be very hot and you would have to live in a box. My last husband was so happy in the box that he killed himself in the garage while I was at the eye doctor. Oh...who are they you ask? These three little darlings who are covered in snot and grass are my young boys. How good of you to notice that I have peanut butter smeared all over my shoulder and a red sucker in my hair. Now, don’t you mind the frazzled, crazy look in my eyes. I have a pill for that. And I’m a wonderful judge of character.

“The life with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn't we almost have it all"............Whitney

3 comments:

  1. I read the same damn book after ending my 12 year (first) marriage. Checked off all the things on the little lists while shaking my head at those idiots. Yes, I had loved someone with a drug addiction but I was NOT co-dependent. ..I pulled it out again after my 2nd marriage ended (alcoholic adulterer this time)..and took it a little more seriously. Im addicted to assholes too. What a shit-tastic club to be in.

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  2. Have you ever seen the play Almost, Maine? If you haven't this post reminded me of it. Of East and Gloria's scene. I'ts a good play. You should see it if you haven't

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  3. Ummmm, hello! I'm a member of the shit-tastic club too. First marriage, manic husband who had 40 affairs, embezzled money and left me with a 4yr old and an 8month old while he laid $60k(which he lost) on a table in Vegas and proceeded to walk upstairs to his room and call to tell me he was bout to kill himself.(yes, I know. Run-on sentence) Thank you very much, let me call fucking security! He lived and still makes me miserable every day. Rolling eyes. Bring in second ex-husband who was a gambling alcoholic. Oh and I forgot, he became a bookie behind my back....And wait for it...Yep, a 3rd relationship that THANK GOD I didnt marry.....A narcissistic sex-addict. I finally got smart and packed my shit while he was at work. Didnt even leave a note. I understand the box, I understand being a strong woman that kicks ass the whole way......I swear we are the same person in some weird kind of way:)

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