March 29, 2012

The Grief Ninja

Did I mention that I’m a shit magnet?  Because I didn’t mean for the universe to take that literally.  But somehow this week I ended up with shit, literal shit, backing up into my shower and tub.  Yeah.  Like I don’t have enough poo in my life.   I handled it like a boss.  I didn’t cry or get weird.  I just called the plumber.  Water was pouring into the basement.  They acted all like, “Yeah, we’ll look at it tomorrow, no problem,” and I acted all like “Umm, hell no you really need to come NOW.”  And so they did.  Turns out the plumber was a hottie.  For your amusement I tried to take a picture of him, but I couldn’t without getting caught.  Anyway, he was only slightly hot.  He didn’t look like this:

Now, that, my friends, is smokin’.  Ya hurd me, Adonis? 

I noticed another weird thing while the plumber was here.  My boys are really, really attracted to any male figure.  Even a stranger, like the plumber.  They stuck to him like glue while he was here, sitting next to him and pulling out toys to show him and stuff.  The yucky sewerage in the tub didn’t make me cry, but my kids trying to get attention from a strange man did.  Fuck you, Dave.  How dare you harm my kids.  I’m so angry.  He had thousands of opportunities to make the right choice for years leading up to this.  He didn’t choose them.  The path of destruction is so fierce.  My two little ones have been talking about it alot this week.  Bringing it up at circle time in school, in front of the plumber, at inappropriate times, etc.  I hate thinking about it.  So I will just say fuck you Dave one more time and stop.

Today I have fever.  Shit magnet.  I haven’t been sick in like 10 years.  My biggest fear since ‘the incident’ is that something will happen to me and I won’t be able to take care of the darlings.  I mean, seriously, I do A LOT in a day.   If I’m not well enough to do all that, well, I’m not sure exactly what is going to happen.  I will confess that last night my little kids did not bathe and they ate pop tarts for supper.  Let’s hope this doesn’t last long because that is so not going to fly two nights in a row.

You know what I hate most about grief?  I hate the sneakiness of it.  The grief ninja orchestrated a surprise attack Saturday when I found myself alone in the car for a mere 10 seconds.  My blaring radio switched to this:  and I had to cry really hard.

Leona Lewis’ Better in Time.  I guess I never paid attention to the lyrics before.  Here they are.  I hope releasing them into the blogosphere will allow them to exit my head.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming, thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will.


  1. You know, I am angry enough at my ex-husband for leaving me and our kids. I cannot even fathom the anger and grief you must be dealing with. The fact that you can get out of bed and deal with a flooded basement or even making breakfast makes you a damn hero to me. I think you are amazing.

    You take that grief and you feel it and deal with it whenever it strikes and then tell it to fuck off. You have every right to feel all of your feelings. And I think that you will find that if you do get sick, you will have the support you need to get through it. God is good that way. Just keep loving those babies the with the ferocity you have been.

    You are a remarkable mother. Own it. I'm praying for you. xo

    1. You know, I wondered for a long time why I was posting this crap to strangers. This is why...because people like you are rooting for me, and praying for me. And I so need that. Thank you!

  2. Hey, you know what? Skipping a bath or two and having pop tarts for supper is not a bad thing. Seriously. I've been there. There have been times when I have done the exact same thing, and it's ok. Don't stress yourself out more when you're sick - it'll just get worse. You have to take care of you too.

    The grief train can really be a bitch. When my ex-husband died, I was not expecting the emotions that I went through for months after - and he was my EX. I can't even imagine it from your perspective. But for what it's worth, I think you're doing an amazing job.

  3. jerri - awesomeness personified! remember that. you are allowed to get sick. you are allowed to let the kids skip a bath and have pop tarts for dinner (or even have breakfast for dinner, thats fun sometimes). you are allowed to cry and create new cuss words when the old and tired ones stop working. when the grief ninja sneaks up on you, beat its ass, have a strong drink (or three lol), take a deep breath, hug your kids and move on down the road again.

    but you must remember to take care of yourself first and foremost despite the grief ninja, the poo monster and the smokin plumber... get thee to a doctor and get thee well! im sending happy thoughts and healing prayers your way!

  4. I've been nowhere near the darkness & tragedy you & your kids have lived & are living with but my heart is with you & my prayers as well. Hoping that each day brings you enough snippets of peace & fortitude to continue breathing & moving through to the next.

  5. Your boys chasing the plumber around the house is so normal for a boy to do. Boys will be boys. Love it. Hang in there and don't get down on yourself.

    1. Hmmm, I never thought of it that way. Thanks for posting that, and thanks for the encouragement

  6. You are a real life super mom. So many women say they are and feel they are. But I think it's the moms that feel like everything is coming apart at the seams and still manage to think about how their kids are feeling and what they are thinking instead of themselves that are the true super-moms.

    You can't change what has happened and yes it sucks that Dave left you. I imagine if he could take it back he could. I don't think that most people who end their lives really want to die, they just can't cope in the moment.

    I truly believe in mind over matter and being able to control your destiny. Think about your positive day and your positive future and it will happen. Deepak Chopra refers to this as quantum physics effect. This is like mind over matter, but more like mind over the universe. If you think things are always shit for you, they will always be shit for you. Start thinking that thinkgs are going to be amazing for you.

    As for your boys, find family members and friends to fill the male void if you think there is one, but my boys are the same way when someone comes over and their father is home every night for dinner. I do have to say I will appreciate him more today thatn I did yesterday.

    Nothing you do can change what has happened. What counts it's what you do next. Good luck!

    1. I love what you just said. I shall be fabulously happy today and every day, my boys shall have fabulous happy lives and I will be pursued by dozens of fabulous hot rich men who want to be awesome role models for my boys. That's a start, right? ;) Thanks.

  7. I admire your strong will to go on with your life, your determination, and positive outlook having experienced something so painful. You not only have yourself to care for, mind, body, & soul, but two very special lil boys that need you now more than ever. You are to be commended for waking each and every day, and going forward for you and your children. Learn from the past. Try not to dwell in the past for that is the wrong direction. Live in the present and enjoy and appreciate the simple things. You are on the right track and I think that you are doing an amazing job as a mother. I too find that writing and journaling is therapeutic and positive. If you have a bad moment, look back at these amazing comments to help you through. You have choices in life. You are choosing positive choices and you should be very proud of yourself. Life is a challenge and try to be positive and stay clear of negative people and negative energies. My heart goes out to you and your children and I pray that GOD continues to watch over you and your family. Take care of you, always. Warm hugs from my 2 daughters & I in PA.

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