March 7, 2012

The Missing Piece


Got my chain jerked the right way again today at Live Oak TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine).  Bliss.   See my earlier post “Xiao Yao San” for more about my incredible acupuncture spree.  Just in case my prayer is really working I said it again right away.  “Lord give me refuge in your Sacred Heart.”  My first thought thereafter was that Dave was present, in the Sacred Heart, with me.  Wowser.  I’ve been so mad at him, have hated him so much, that I haven’t grieved all that much over the last few weeks. I’ve been sad…but I haven’t had what I feel like is productive, flowing grief.  I haven’t spoken a word to him, haven’t said out loud “I love you” or “I miss you”.  I’ve only said “I hate you”.  Today, before I left for acupuncture, I stood in the yard, blooming with flowers, heavy scent of heaven, and said “I love you and I miss you.”  My heart felt like it was being stabbed with a knife.  But, I think I’m realizing it is better to love than to hate.  Even though both hurt, the hating is negative and doesn’t feel good.  And it doesn’t make me better. The boys notice when I hate.  They don’t like it.  I know one day they will understand.  But for now, I must stop hating.  It’s not doing me any good. I realize it’s all a process. 

I knew the angry phase would be a big one for me.  Not because I’m an angry person.  Because I am not.  But because if you harm me, especially this much, then I have to kill you.  I’m a Scorpio girl.  I sort of require revenge.  Only I can’t kill him.  He’s already dead.  So I’m stuck.  Revengeless.  It’s all wrong!  All I can do is leave the LSU flower arrangement at the cemetery.  He would be embarassed of it and it's my only way of getting him back, for now.   

I almost cried while I bathed the little ones tonight, because middle darling is so negative, still.  It scares me.  Is he ruined?  Am I ruined?  Are we all just fucking ruined?  I walked out of the bathroom for too long while the tub was filling, and when I came back, there was more water than usual.  Wow, I said.  That’s a lot of water.  No it’s not, he says.  Sure it is…it’s more than we usually put, I say.  Well, I like it higher he says.  Yes, I know, but this is more than we usually put, so be happy to have more than usual.  But he can’t.  He continues to tell me over and over that it’s not more than usual, it’s not good, and he only likes it higher.  This is just classic.  He’s the kid that you hand an ice cream cone, and after he finishes it he cries and says he wanted a snowball.  It’s constant.  All day.  With everything little thing.  I don’t know how to parent a kid like this, a kid who doesn’t possess the gift of spin.  We struggle.  And honestly, except for him being eternally negative and me being eternally positive, we are so much alike.  Maybe this is why we struggle more.  We are alike because I know he feels more.  He’s emotionally charged.  I relate to that.  

He picked Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece to read tonight.  We haven’t read that book in years, not sure why.  It’s about this ‘thing’ that is missing a piece.  The ‘thing’ believes that he needs this missing piece to be happy.  Only when he finds the missing piece, it messes everything up, and he realizes he didn’t need it afterall.  I tried hard to talk to him after, without crying, and I told him we had everything in our hearts that we needed to be happy.  I told him we didn’t need Daddy to be happy.  Daddy is in our hearts anyway.  And we are in his.  And all of us are in Jesus’.  He told me his heart was happy and that he wanted to feel happy. 

3 comments:

  1. Good lesson learned Jerri :) I remember on the one-year anniversary of "the event," I went to the grave and sat for probably an hour, just bawling my eyes out, apologizing, telling him i loved him and missed him, hated him and hated what he did, it all came spilling out. I feel like that's when I really turned a corner into the more love than hate feelings. Suicide brings with it such a mixture of conflicting emotions, especially when children are involved. Trust me, though, you are NOT all ruined.

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  2. Dina is right, Jerri. You are most certainly not all ruined. That you can talk this out with us and with your boys means that one day, one day, everything that has to be said will be said. Your anger and hate gets you through the day...although I am glad that you can have times when love and happiness are the prevailing emotions because they are much nicer to feel! You just keep spewing it, girl. We are taking it.

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  3. My son, who is eight is the same way. Never happy, always needing something else after he has the thing he NEEDS. I'm the same damn way.

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