I knew the angry phase would be a big one for me. Not because I’m an angry person. Because I am not. But because if you harm me, especially this much, then I have to kill you. I’m a Scorpio girl. I sort of require revenge. Only I can’t kill him. He’s already dead. So I’m stuck. Revengeless. It’s all wrong! All I can do is leave the LSU flower arrangement at the cemetery. He would be embarassed of it and it's my only way of getting him back, for now.
I almost cried while I bathed the little ones tonight, because middle darling is so negative, still. It scares me. Is he ruined? Am I ruined? Are we all just fucking ruined? I walked out of the bathroom for too long while the tub was filling, and when I came back, there was more water than usual. Wow, I said. That’s a lot of water. No it’s not, he says. Sure it is…it’s more than we usually put, I say. Well, I like it higher he says. Yes, I know, but this is more than we usually put, so be happy to have more than usual. But he can’t. He continues to tell me over and over that it’s not more than usual, it’s not good, and he only likes it higher. This is just classic. He’s the kid that you hand an ice cream cone, and after he finishes it he cries and says he wanted a snowball. It’s constant. All day. With everything little thing. I don’t know how to parent a kid like this, a kid who doesn’t possess the gift of spin. We struggle. And honestly, except for him being eternally negative and me being eternally positive, we are so much alike. Maybe this is why we struggle more. We are alike because I know he feels more. He’s emotionally charged. I relate to that.
He picked Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece to read tonight. We haven’t read that book in years, not sure why. It’s about this ‘thing’ that is missing a piece. The ‘thing’ believes that he needs this missing piece to be happy. Only when he finds the missing piece, it messes everything up, and he realizes he didn’t need it afterall. I tried hard to talk to him after, without crying, and I told him we had everything in our hearts that we needed to be happy. I told him we didn’t need Daddy to be happy. Daddy is in our hearts anyway. And we are in his. And all of us are in Jesus’. He told me his heart was happy and that he wanted to feel happy.