March 1, 2012

Random Mean Shit


This is really just a bunch of random shenanigans that I need to get off my chest.  I really want to quit cursing, so I’m going to get this out and then quit cursing again for Lent.  I’m still at peace, except for this.

First and foremost, I am contemplating cutting my head off and kicking it down the street, because I feel another zit coming out right between my eyes.  I am 43 facking years old.  I have had enough of this!  I wash my face.  I eat healthy.  I drink water.  I use Retin A.  But still I must look like this, with wrinkles and pimples on top of each other, competing for space?  Why can’t I get pimples on my back or my ass, where they are hidden? 

The next person who tells me their “system is down” is getting slapped  cut.  I’m tired of giving out “my info”.  No, I don’t have a job.  I’m not single or married, I’m a fucking arachnid widow.  I’m not giving you my insurance info over the phone.  I’m going to say every time you ask that I don’t have it on me.  Because you can just make a copy when I get there, that’s why.  I am so not walking to find my purse, digging through my wallet, looking all through my wallet for my card, squinting at the card, walking around some more to find glasses, then saying all those numbers.  Member number, group number, member ID.  No. I’m not doing it.  Ever.  Plus I have ants in my purse.  Well, not anymore.  But I did.

Also, quit telling me I will find a man again.  I know where plenty of men are.  I don’t need to find one.  Don’t tell me I will find one right after you tell me you want to lose the one you have.  I don’t have to hear man farts right now.  I don’t have to worry about what anyone else is doing or not doing.  I have the whole bed to myself in the beginning of the night.  I watch what I want.  I eat what I want.  And it’s not all this shit you have to cook either.  Fuck cooking.  Every night. 

I may have to stop capitalizing some words that should be capitalized.  Because for months now I’ve been blogging on a laptop that has a broken shift key.  I’m getting tired of using the other key all the time.  It’s too awkward.  I walked into the kitchen one day not too long ago to find that the littlest of the darlings had pried every key off my laptop.  Who the fack does that?  At first I couldn’t figure out what the heck all those little tiny black things were, all over the counters and the floor.  Most of them popped right back on.  The bigger keys do not pop right back on.  Some keys I just placed randomly, who knows if they are in the right place or not.

Ants.  What the fack is up with ants? How do you kill them?  Can a woman even kill ants?  I feel like our whole yard is an ant pile.  My ants, they eat poison for lunch and laugh at me.  The next day the pile is 3x bigger.  They are mega invincible ninja superman ants.  It’s like a plague.  Someone said if you have ants, it’s good, because you don’t have termites.  I say BS to that.  On Valentine’s night as I was cooking with all the doors open because it was nice out, the littlest darling stood in the kitchen and said “Wow, that’s alotta ants!”  I looked down to see hundreds of what I think were termites crawling all over my kitchen floor.  What the hell?  Why don't these plagues happen to other people.

Shit.  Literal shit.  I’m so sick of shit.  I have a 10 year old who has not flushed his shit down the toilet in 10 years.  Not once.  He is an anti-shit flusher.  Don’t know why.  He just never ever flushes.  I have a 5 year old who should be wiping his own butt, but damn….do I really want those poo-y fingers everywhere?  UGH.  And I have a baby who shits in a diaper.  Quit shitting so much.  I’m sick of wiping your asses.

Litterbugs.  I will chase you if my kids are not in the car.  I will call the police on you.  I will lie and say you were weaving all over the road, smoking pot and funneling a beer while driving.  I will fuck you up.  I once chased a taxi who threw a whole McDonald’s bag onto the neutral ground.  I picked it up and chased him with it and when he stopped I threw it into his nasty cigar smelling foul fucking cab and told him he dropped it. 

The people who put yellow signs on every corner that say “Queen Pillowtop Mattress” $250.  See above.

Ugly girls who think I want to see their nasty bras.  Please refrain from standing in front of me in Rite Aid if you are wearing an obese man’s wife beater inside out, that shows your whole flesh colored and very dirty bra, all over.  Not just the straps showing, but the cups too.  She may or may not have had pants on!  I couldn't tell.  Get dressed.  Wash your disgusting bra or throw it away. Get a new one from Goodwill.  I bring one every week.  




19 comments:

  1. Phew! That was refreshing! Even for me, and I sure as hell ain't dealing with one scintilla of the shit that you are. I haven't had a kid in diapers in many a year (although I do have a 25-year-old who says, "if it's yellow, let it mellow"), but I surely remember feeling much of the above. I raised 3 boys on my own (applause), and that was hard enough without the horrors that you have experienced. Anyway, thank you for this rant. I hope it helped you; I know it helped me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. roflmmfao!!!!! I fackin Love this post! I cracked up because I can so relate to your personality. I just ranted the other day about getting on elevators with people and how people insist on starting small talk for the 30 seconds you'll be on the elevator. I hate it. There is no need for it. Just say thanks if someone holds the elevator for you, but anything more then that is unnecessary!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You asked about ants...when we had an ant problem my Auntie told me to wash the floor, counter, and window ledges with vinegar. Sounds smelly I know, but honestly it worked. Thought I would offer the advice, hope it works!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Holy shit, ANTS!! I know, right? WTF is up with ants this year? Awesome post, made me feel better, hope you do too!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love this! Thank you for allowing me to experience a bit of mental freedom as I put my own voice & feeling into your words. Love love love the litterbug part--that's just flat out awesomeness!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Love it! I don't know how many times I said "I can't wait until the only ass I have to wipe is my own!" I got so tired of walking around the corner and being presented with a little asshole (I mean that literally, I'm not calling my kid an asshole) as he bent over and spread his cheeks apart saying "did I get it all??". No, no you did not.

    As for the ants, the only thing that works for me is Terro ant bait. You put some of the gel on a little card and put it where you see most of the ants. Then you let them come. Thousands of them will come and swarm around the little bait buffets. But don't kill them. Let them eat all they want. Then they take it back to all their bitches in the nest and they all die. It usually gives you a reprieve for a few weeks until they regenerate and come back and you have to open the buffet again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then they take it back to all their bitches in the nest... LMAO!!! Omg, my stomach hurts!!!

      Delete
  7. Terro ant bait works amazingly!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This cracks me the hell up!! lol! Especially after "The Tides Have Changed" .. Ha! Ok first, I am 42 years old and STILL GET ZITS TOO! What the hell? Second, you don't have to be a "widow" if you don't want to be. I chose not to use that title at all. It may sound harsh and I don't mean it to be, but I work for lawyers so I tend to look at things from a "technical" standpoint, and by law, I'm not married anymore. "Til death do you part." He made that choice for us and took the death side, so guess what? I'm single. (Not anymore, but that's what I felt then.) Oh and just tell them you are driving when they call you and it's not safe to be a distracted driver LOL And when my son was around 2 years old, I remember walking into the kitchen and finding him sitting on the breakfast table pouring out the salt and pepper shakers just as big as he pleased. Now he's 15 and I have to worry about him electrocuting himself as he "experiments" in his room with electrical stuff I know absolutely nothing about! Or he "builds" a new shelf (that is prone to falling on people's heads, but hey...). lol.. And the ANTS! OMG! I get them in my kitchen every year! One time when we were living in the country in a century-old farmhouse, termites started FLYING out of the staircase!! dis-gus-ting! The shit I'm sick of is DOG shit. Six dogs in this house. I know, I'm insane, but I love the little and big four-legged babies :) I've also always been a litterer-hater! I've said that if I didn't have the job I have now, I would be a Litter Cop. You are my hero!! lol! Enjoy the big bed, enjoy the no snoring, enjoy eating what you want and watching what you want ... every now and then, we all need to be able to just LIVE on our own, as much as one can with small children in the house ;). Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I love this post! I am with you on all of it, especially the zits (which at 47 I still get!) Not a widow or single, but if I do ever find myself there, there I will stay, anybody who suggests otherwise can go f@#$ themselves!

    ReplyDelete
  10. OUTSTANDING! dont it feel good to let it loose? say it loud and proud and fuck 'em all!

    screw finding a man Jerri. its you time. its heal time. its cuss time. its kid time. its ant time... . and i so hear you about giving your info to everyone. im bout sick of that too as due to a fall i had at christmas that almost killed me. all i fucking wanted was to take a nap! now its doctors, xrays, specialists and mris and lets talk about pain baby... they can get the info when i show up. they dont like it, fuck 'em.

    keep letting it out jerri. it does you (and me) a world of good. we're always here.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hate to tell you this folks, but I'm 59 and post menopausal and I STILL get zits. Pretty damn cruel if you ask me, especially since I was one of those kids who people always said, "oh, you're LUCKY, you might have zits now but your skin is so oily that you won't every have wrinkles...liars.

    ReplyDelete
  12. this is great. I've just come across your site. Pretty heavy stuff.. .makes my heart hurt for you and those babies. But THIS post...THIS is all me... I have dozens of posts about my boys' belief that both ass wiping and underwear wearing are optional.

    Come over when you need a giggle. I'll be spending more time here as well.. watching you heal.

    ~Hot Mess Mom http://hotmessmom.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are awesome. I can't say anymore. I just found you today and you are my hero. I cried, I laughed...you can't ask for more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. laptop+2yo=

    Been there, done that.

    Oddly enough, a friend had the same thing happen to her the same week. Must be the age.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Talcum powder - great for creating a barrier to ants! So long as you can deal with having little heaped lines of powder around the place... Also not much good against flying ants. Damn.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I fucking love you!!! This has GOT TO BE the most REAL blog I've ever EVERRRR read. Ever. Hope I've made my point! Lol...

    ReplyDelete
  17. I can't begin to tell you the similarities. Twins are 6 now, I just stopped wiping one 1 year or so ago..lays landmines..BIGGER around than the toilet. I know, because it didn't move when flushed, and he uses a whole roll, and poop on fingers freaks me out...poop flush, wipe wipe flush..that's the rule..and wash !

    ReplyDelete