March 3, 2012

Stopping the train before it wrecks


The weekend I have dreaded for months.  Father/Child Weekend.  The weekend where all the lovely dads take their darling children to go and camp out.  All the dads from school go, and they lovingly take all their kids.  A big school tradition.  Dave used to be all about it.  Got excited about it, took the big darling every year, and had a great time.  My boy…he’s so brave.  I don’t know how he can even be so brave.  But he’s out there.  With his little 10 year old self.  He’s out there without a daddy….and I’m just a mess.  I’ve been busy with the other two boys, and not 2 seconds after they fell asleep I just lost it.  I can't stop crying.  God Damn you asshole how could you do this to him?  I’m so thankful to all the dads who offered to bring my boy this weekend, and to the dad that did take him.  He was undecided about what to do and whether he would go, and he finally decided this week to go.  I pray those dads out there will make a tight circle around my boy and pray for him and his daddy every time they see him this weekend. 

Ladies, I know there is an epidemic of assholishness going around with men right now.  Apparently we are entering the mid life crises stage, as every other person I know is hating on her man, kicking him out, or divorcing him.  I know you all hate when I say this, but it’s so true, I just have to say it over and over.  I would give anything, anything, to hate my man right now.  In real life.  I would take every snore, every fart, every spitting of mucus.  I would give my limbs, all of them.  I would give everything away and live in a dumpster.  All of it, any of it, to have him back.  To have him with my boy this weekend.  To have him here with us together forever and ever.  I know they’re assholes.  I know he was an asshole.  But he was my asshole.  I know there are some good men out there.  Some of you have one.  Some of you don’t.  I don’t even know what to say to the one’s who have assholes, except that, perhaps, if you could, if you would, just think about what I would do with 5 more minutes.  With 30 more minutes.  How much I would forgive.  How much harder I would try.  How much more I would love.  How much more accepting I would be. 

These assholes, I think they do try.  They are just a different breed.  Truly, they are.   And no one knows what to do with them.  They lie.  They cheat.  They drink.  They are apathetic.  They avoid you.  They don’t do what they are supposed to do.  And they do what they know they are not supposed to do.  Maybe just one or all of the above.  What do you do?  I can’t decide for you.  But I would allow many more lies if I knew what the end result was for me.  I didn’t know.  I tried to make him better.  I threatened.  I begged.  I pleaded.  It was harder than it needed to be, most of the time.  Why?  I don’t know.  For some of you it’s not going to work, ever, and divorce is the answer.  For some of you, I can only say don’t let it get too far gone.  It’s never too late to put the fucking brakes on and scream ENOUGH.  Fix it.  Make it work.  Try harder.  Try even harder than that.  Remember the beginning.  Go find what was there.  Stop putting your kids first. 

Believe me, if there is anything I have learned in the past 8 months it is that kids are extremely resilient.  They don’t need us as much as we think they do.  It’s good for them, even.  Let them buck up.  Put that extra energy into your marriage.  Just do it.  Some of you can stop the train before it wrecks.  But the first thing you have to do is put the brakes on!  Please do it now.  For me.  I’m pressing my foot really hard into the stool right now.  I’m trying to do it for you.

13 comments:

  1. Prayers for Bret. Prayers for you all.

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  2. Good word Jerri. I have the same thought every time the school has "Doughnuts with Dad" day. My kids' grandfather (their father's father) usually goes to this with my youngest daughter. It's always so nice for others to offer, but nothing ever quite makes it right or like it should be. I get so angry at him for not being here for them on these days. For leaving without seemingly even thinking of them or how it would leave such a hole in their lives. Our son is now 15 and learning to drive and starting to date. He's missing it. Our oldest daughter is now 18 and will be leaving home for college soon. He's missing it. And sometimes it seems like it's all on purpose that he's missing it. Other times, I realize that he was sick and drunk and that the decision he made was so in-the-moment and not thought out that it's hard to blame him. Our youngest daughter, who was 7 when he took his life, said this to me a couple of days after "the event" ... "Mom, I think I know what Dad's thinking right now." "Yeah, what's that?" "He's thinking, 'I wish I didn't do'd that'." "Yep, you're probably right." Thank you for encouraging perseverance in marriage. We often don't know what we lost until it's not there anymore.

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  3. I was so pissed this morning that my husband did not take the trash out today. Its an ongoing thing and every time I hear "Im sorry, I forgot" I just want to jack him in the jaw. Reality check. Its not really that important. It can be done when he gets home. If thats the worst thing I can complain about, I feel like a totally ungrateful and unobservant bitch right now and I suppose I should consider myself lucky and whats even worse I suppose is I should know better. My ex, if I would have nagged him about something like that, or even just blinked wrong really, I would have gotten my ass beat over that in a drunken rage. I dont miss those days at all. Was I really just sitting and seething over a full trash can? I need a set of those brakes you mentioned for sure. He is always forgetting those "to-do" things I ask him to do, even with repetitious reminders. It just doesnt seem as important at this moment. So what, who cares.

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  4. You are seiously my hero. Almost 3 months ago my ex husband and the father of our daughter killed himself. She is only 3 year old. You blog has made me cry, laugh and has given me hope. I know we weren't together but he was part of my life for 14 years. We talked every single day and now he is gone and he is missing out on so much. I have an amazing husband, it doesn't make my hurt any less. Thank God my daughter loves him and he's here. There is so much you have said in your post and I feel the same way. She started riding a bike 2 weeks ago and I just cried because I always thought her dad would be teaching her this stuff.Thank you so much for spreading the word and thanks for making me laugh.

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  5. Today, when I am picking up my husband's laundry from the floor RIGHT NEXT TO THE DAMN BASKET FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I will remember this blog post. When I am mad at him for having a few too many drinks with the guys, I will think of this blog post. When I desperately wish I could punch my sweet darling asshole right in the mouth, I will remember that missing him, and our kids missing him, would be so much worse than his inability to be responsible all the time. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

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  6. The same day I began reading your blog, I wrote the longest love letter to my husband.

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  7. I really wish you were closer to me.. this post really has an affect on me.. Heck all of your posts have made me think long and hard about my asshole. Last week I was really upset and down in the dumps about my marriage and where it is at. I am a mother and googled top mom blogs.. you were the first blog i looked at and I am hooked. The same day after reading only your very first post I started a blog and basically just to get my thoughts and feelings out about the change i had proclaimed I was going to do. My asshole is an asshole .. but like youve said he is mine. People will ask how we are doing and i would just get upset and angry and speak horrible things about him... but what the f am I upset about that would make me say those things? Really.. they are the dumb things like the garbage or not cleaning up after himself. I was considering divorce over these minut issues.. My blog is about the changes in myself and my husband and my family while we learn to love each other again and realize the small shyt really doesnt matter as long as we are all alive and healthy. I have wanted to comment on several things cause they really have affected me but I knew today was the post that really truely hit home.. You have a fan in Idaho!

    If its ok I am going to refer to this post in my blog today. Change is in the works for me and my marriage and I am thankful your words affect me the way they do.

    Take Care

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  8. i cry whenever i read your blog and im grateful for what i have. you are an inspiration. my cousing hung himself a few years back and its not easy to deal with it as a family! thank you for sharing your stories

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  9. Thank you for this... my own asshole is driving me crazy, but deep down, I still love him, and I'm trying very hard to remember that him being an asshole is better than him being gone. He isn't abusive, just aggravating as hell.

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  10. I am again speechless. Also heartbroken for your boys who have to learn to live this way. I see people everyday who leave their man for some stupid reason. Suck it up and fight people. I wish there was a way for them to read this before they do something that will negatively affect their kids bc they are being selfish. Good job to you for letting the oldert darling go with someone else. You are a brave strong woman.

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