I’m not exactly sorry to report that it’s the time of the month again when I have to curse everyone out, and then slink off to the Moon Lodge for quiet reflection. Random Mean Shit, Take II.
Over the last month, it has suddenly dawned on me that I’m 43 years old, and single. Everyone says I still look young, but I’m somehow convinced they are liars. They just don’t want to hurt my feelings, because I’m a sad fucking widow. I have become obsessed with every flaw on my body, and now I’m pissed off at myself. When I look into the mirror, I’m appalled that I’m not 25. And so tonight, I’m here to say FUCK YOU SELF. Stop being a punk ass ninny because you are so fucking awesome it’s not even fucking funny. You own the fucking world. You OWN IT. You are awesomeness in a bottle. People are dying for a drop. The girl with nine lives. Kung Fu, Ninja chick, kick your fucking ass goddess of everything. So fuck you.
Fuck you, Dave. Because I thought I could be comfortably married to my best friend for the next 40 years, and now I’m single and not comfortably married. You’re a fucking loser piece of shit for doing this to me and the boys. They are so fucking awesome, they get more awesome every day because of me, so we are all awesome and you’re a piece of shit. Fuck you.
Are you fucking kidding me about how much laundry and household chores I have to do by myself? I know some dumbass spouses don’t help their partners, but I didn’t marry a dumbass man who didn’t help. Much worse, you trickster. We were 50/50 on chores. Now it’s 100/0. This cuts into my own time, my own personal time and it’s not fucking fair. If any of you are married to a non-helper, kick them out. It’s bullshit. This can’t be tolerated.
People, quit telling me you are tired and don’t feel good if you eat shit that is not food. I’m tired of looking into your baskets at the store and seeing stuff that is not food. Why do you eat stuff that you can’t pronounce, that you don’t even know what it is? Then complain that you don’t have energy, can’t lose weight, have stiff joints and aches and don’t sleep at night. Eat food. Just real food. And shut up.
It’s spring. If you don’t have nice plants in your yard, you should. Go plant stuff so you can look at it every day and be happy. And so we can stop looking at your ugly yard with nothing planted. If your house is ugly, fix it. Stop making me look at ugly stuff. It pisses me off.
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