April 9, 2012

Hair of the dog

We started our Easter morning off in typical fashion.  The littlest of the darlings, who ate crawfish, pizza and chocolate at my brother’s crawfish boil Saturday night, HURLED all of those things into my bed at 1:25 a.m.  The vile smelling vomitus managed to splash my face, and my boobs.  I immediately began gagging.  My nose, she is quite the champion smeller.  I can smell shit from faraway lands.  This is no lie.  While gagging, I couldn’t help wondering why the darling doesn’t chew.  We quickly changed sheets, slipped into some nice, crisp, white, faintly-smelling-of-bleach sheets (heaven!) and went back to bed.  He said he felt fine and was indeed fine the whole day.  He ate candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner like a champ.  Hair of the dog, as they say.

Absent from the day were tears.  Not a single tear fell.  As I put the candy and gifts into their baskets Saturday night, I thought of Dave.  He always did the baskets.  I remember how wasted he was last Easter, trying to put their candy out.  I remember how annoyed and pissed I was.  Why couldn’t he just be sober?  Normal?  I remembered how his voice used to sound, when he was drinking too much or taking pills.  I HATED IT.  And I remember how I would always ask him wtf he was doing?  Why did his voice sound that way?  And he would always lie.  Such a good liar, he was.  Faker.   I don’t miss that part.  At all.  Who would?  As I sat there divvying up the candy, I thought how our marriage was way harder than it needed to be.  We mostly didn’t bring out the best in one another.  I wonder how much is my fault, how much is his, and how much any of it even really matters now?  The only thing that matters to me is that I never go through bullshit like that again.  I never want to be responsible for making another person miserable.  I never want to be in a horrible relationship again.  I don’t want to be frustrated and angry and bored.  I don’t want to be left wanting more and never getting it, and feeling insignificant and taken for granted.  What a waste of me!  A waste of the person I am.  I want to take every ounce of my wisdom and courage and strength and humor and awesomeness and hand it to a man who wants it, and loves it, and appreciates it.  And I want a big strong hand to lift me to a higher ground too.  I guess we all really start out with those intentions.  I certainly did with Dave.  I did all those things.  And he resented every single minute of it.  Why?  Why do the things that you initially love about someone turn into the very things you abhor about them?  Why does love turn to hate?  I can’t do this again until I figure that out.  Because I so cannot ever go there again.  When I married Dave, I thought we would be such a good team.  I really did.  But I never factored into the equation that he would become so resentful of me.  I was about to say the reason he became resentful is because he changed.  But he didn’t change.  He was always the person he was.  The problem is that person was a trickster.  He tricked me.  He tricked me into thinking he was normal.  And he wasn’t.  He was a sneaky fuck.  He pretended to be something he wasn’t.  I didn’t change.  I’m the same person I was when we got married.  Because if I'm not fucking real, then real does not exist.  Ya hurd me?  I don’t have regrets though.  I’m not living my life that way.



For your listening pleasure, a little PINK, poignant words, stuck in my head, as usual.  I release them to you.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=2WoIP8yCdaM&NR=1
Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.

You're so mean,
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/pink-perfect-lyrics.html ]

The whole world stares so I swallow the fear,
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line and we try, try, try,
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)

8 comments:

  1. I used to be married to a liar. No one ever believed it when I said I had no idea what a dirtbag we was when I married him. If he was breathing, he was lying. And he had my whole family so snowed so that when I finally left the dirty, cheating drunk, my own mother thought I was making a mistake! Know that our situations are so far from being the same but I know the feeling of being tricked into something that had the potential to be something good and turned into a nightmare. Sorry for your horrible loss but am so happy to hear about your present "distraction". Can't hurt to dream again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good Lord our lives DO mirror each other !! You are not alone You Big Bag of Awesomeness ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jerri I got an email last night of a posted blog that is not here now. I just wanted you to know that your story is worth putting out there, no matter what. I found myself reliving my own "That Day" as I read through yours. Sending you virtual hugs as you make it through the eye doc appointment today. You will conquer this, and it won't have that hold on you anymore like it does now. You will prove to the universe that you CAN do it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's there. It's called "Finding Out" and it's one I wrote a while back but never posted. I decided to post it, so it's in chronological order based on the day I wrote it.

      Delete
  4. Ohhh I see! Thanks :) I'll go back and re-read now. One thing I remember seeing the first time around that I thought was another amazing coincidence and similarity in our stories ... my husband also renewed his driver's license that morning!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just read your blog in its entirety in one sitting. Well, as close to one sitting as I could manage with an 18 month old. Less than 12 hours.

    You said you wanted to write a book. I think you already have it here. You are able to put this experience into the most beautiful words, I feel like I am reading a novel. I very much wish I were reading fiction, to spare you and your family the pain, but at any rate, you are taking the bad and making it good. And inspiring. I can't wait for your next post.

    You officially have another fan!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every time someone says they read it from start to finish I can't help but think how much I must sound like a lunatic. LOL. Thanks for your kind words and welcome!

      Delete
  6. I'm with you, sista. I am in the midst of a divorce from an alcoholic and am custodial parent to our two young daughters, 4 and 8 (I fought for supervised visitation and "won" but am now single parent most of the time). I met a wonderful man who "gets me" and I "get him" too, but we live on opposite coasts. Although my husband and I split only a year ago, I feel this new man is a gift, a reminder that life can be beautiful and glorious, even after living in a pile of shit for so long. Your blog speaks so many of my thoughts, especially when you write about dealing with an addict and how Adonis and you relate. Thank you for giving words to my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete