Absent from the day were tears. Not a single tear fell. As I put the candy and gifts into their baskets Saturday night, I thought of Dave. He always did the baskets. I remember how wasted he was last Easter, trying to put their candy out. I remember how annoyed and pissed I was. Why couldn’t he just be sober? Normal? I remembered how his voice used to sound, when he was drinking too much or taking pills. I HATED IT. And I remember how I would always ask him wtf he was doing? Why did his voice sound that way? And he would always lie. Such a good liar, he was. Faker. I don’t miss that part. At all. Who would? As I sat there divvying up the candy, I thought how our marriage was way harder than it needed to be. We mostly didn’t bring out the best in one another. I wonder how much is my fault, how much is his, and how much any of it even really matters now? The only thing that matters to me is that I never go through bullshit like that again. I never want to be responsible for making another person miserable. I never want to be in a horrible relationship again. I don’t want to be frustrated and angry and bored. I don’t want to be left wanting more and never getting it, and feeling insignificant and taken for granted. What a waste of me! A waste of the person I am. I want to take every ounce of my wisdom and courage and strength and humor and awesomeness and hand it to a man who wants it, and loves it, and appreciates it. And I want a big strong hand to lift me to a higher ground too. I guess we all really start out with those intentions. I certainly did with Dave. I did all those things. And he resented every single minute of it. Why? Why do the things that you initially love about someone turn into the very things you abhor about them? Why does love turn to hate? I can’t do this again until I figure that out. Because I so cannot ever go there again. When I married Dave, I thought we would be such a good team. I really did. But I never factored into the equation that he would become so resentful of me. I was about to say the reason he became resentful is because he changed. But he didn’t change. He was always the person he was. The problem is that person was a trickster. He tricked me. He tricked me into thinking he was normal. And he wasn’t. He was a sneaky fuck. He pretended to be something he wasn’t. I didn’t change. I’m the same person I was when we got married. Because if I'm not fucking real, then real does not exist. Ya hurd me? I don’t have regrets though. I’m not living my life that way.
I know the ladies are begging for some Adonis news. Here’s the thing, my friends. Adonis might read the blog, so I have to maintain my mysteriousness. I don’t even know what this is, so I can’t say much about it. He drove a million miles out of his way to see me this week. IT.WAS.FUCKING.AMAZING. The Greek Adonis does not disappoint. That's my answer. He so gets me. I so get him. We had not seen one another in 18 years. God, to know back then what I know now. Adonis and I would have conquered the world together, or so it seems now. But to get this fucking awesome, you have to survive some shit. I’ve survived a good bit, and so has he. We are both walking out of tangled messes. We live far away from one another and have five kids and absolute disasters behind us. I don’t live in the past. The past is terrifying and if I look back I turn to stone. I don’t look too far into the future. The future isn’t here yet. I live in the present. Right now Adonis is a smokin’ hot old boyfriend who happens to appreciate my awesomeness and the feeling is mutual.
For your listening pleasure, a little PINK, poignant words, stuck in my head, as usual. I release them to you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=2WoIP8yCdaM&NR=1Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than Fuckin' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me.
You're so mean,
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/pink-perfect-lyrics.html ]
The whole world stares so I swallow the fear,
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line and we try, try, try,
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)