May 13, 2012

Eternity


Happy Muthas Day my friends!  I hope everyone had a good day.  I will be honest and just say that I’m glad the day is almost over.  I didn’t do my usual ‘pre holiday panic’ and that ended up biting me in the ass, just a little.   

My mother in law had my kids Friday night, and she took them to buy gifts for me.  I bought myself a charm for my bracelet.  The Chinese symbol for Eternity.  Fitting, right? 

This blog has made it possible for me to ‘meet’ some special muthas, some of whom are very unfortunately in the same boat as I am, as it relates to being spousal suicide survivors with kids.  I got emails from a few of them last night, and everyone had the holiday jitters.  That was my first indication that I wasn’t prepared emotionally. 

My kids were super excited about Mother’s Day this year, which was just incredibly cute.  Middle darling especially.   I woke up to them standing next to me with big grins.  Big darling brought my coffee, and we opened gifts then cuddled like a litter of kittens.  Awesomeness.  Then I said, “Let’s all kiss.”  Innocent enough, right?  But here is the thing.  This phrase has special meaning in our house.  When big darling was big enough to know what was going on, he and Dave and I used to do this constantly.  We’d be standing in the kitchen, having a moment, and someone would say, “Let’s all kiss” and we would all 3 put our lips together, so we were each touching everyone else, and we would smooch it up.  When middle darling came along, it was harder to still reach everyone’s lips, but we still did it.  By the time little darling was born, we weren’t having a whole lot of those ‘moments’, but we managed to make it happen at least a couple times.  So, I said it this morning, and they all jumped on me and kissed me, but a very specific pair of lips were missing, and that was it.  Attack of the grief ninja.  The tears just flowed.  I tried hard not to let the little darlings see them, because they really wanted me to have a happy day. 

They were insistent on beignets for breakfast, so we ran quickly to CafĂ© du Monde.  My house was a complete disaster because I was slightly hungover on Saturday from Friday night, so I stayed busy this morning trying to clean up before we left for my grandmother’s house.  My 93 year old grandmother cooks crawfish bisque every Mother’s Day, without fail.  This is bar none the best food in the world and everyone knows it.  Dave looked forward to this meal all year.  People don’t cook this anymore.  It’s a huge pain in the ass, but so worth it.  Even thinking of the bisque made me sad. 

When we were ready to leave, I called out for all the darlings to go and stand by the front door.  Big darling ran back and asked for a squirt of Dave’s cologne.  (Oddly enough, “Eternity”)  I said, “Oh geez honey you’re going to smell like daddy all day and make me cry.”  He’s 10, he just smiled.  He grabbed the bottle and squirted it, then skipped happily out of the room.  And when the smell hit my nose I had to grab hold of the closet door to keep from falling down.  The grief ninja had just kicked me square in the gut.  I couldn’t breathe.  The wind was knocked right out of me.  I knew they were all by the front door, so I just sobbed, so hard.  I knew I had to let it out.  Keeping it in was physically hurting me. 

I recovered as quickly as I could, rushed them into the car, and then just let the tears fall all the way to Mimi’s house.  By the time we got there, I felt better, and that was that.  The kids had a great day playing with cousins and we came home to a clean house and had a quick swim.  

I scored big time for supper too, because I nonchalantly rummaged through the basement freezer after handing little darling a popsicle this evening and found a container of crab and corn soup.

My lesson for today is that I am not this badass superwoman that I pretend to be most of the time.  This shit comes out of nowhere, even when I’m thinking, “I got this.”  Now I’m really scared for our anniversary, really scared for Father’s Day, really scared for his birthday, really scared for D-Day.  I need to be smart.  I need to have rock solid plans.  I need to lay down and cry and kick and scream and let this beast out before then.  Pre panic.  I think it’s my small way of attempting slight control over the grief.  Because I hate the uncontrollable grief.  I need to go stealth on the grief ninja.  I have all these dates barreling towards me, and the thought of being incredibly sad again is just painful.  I need to make beach plans.  We need father’s day plans.  I need to make the Disney plans.  We need to be far away from here.  In a magical place.  Because it’s going to take some serious fucking magic to get me through this.  Plans.  Pink elephants.  The beach.  Disney.  Ya hurd me?

8 comments:

  1. Thought about you today and hoped you fared alright. You did good! I've been a mess for 3 days, if it makes you feel any better. :)

    The grief follows you...don't try to outsmart it. It never works. Embrace it. Much love.

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    1. I'm not good if I have PMS near any one of these days!!!

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  2. Get moving! Travel Travel Travel! come to disney.. I'll meet your crazy angry messy ass for dinner. just think.. Get thru THIS June.. just THIS one.. and the rest will be so much easier. Praying for your wacky ass.

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    1. You always make me laugh...'your crazy angry messy ass'....I'm coming. not sure how I'm paying for it, LOL, but who cares! I'm adopting your travel philosophy ;)

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  3. ABRA DABRA CADABRA !!~ INDEED YOU (WE) SHALL HAVE THEM ALL!
    That "magic"-that "bliss" of the little things~keep it coming, Love!
    From a Ky Mutha who thinks your one special chick with a heart and soul of beauty...........................happy are we who are called to his supper :o)

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  4. I just found your blog tonight and have managed to read back through most of your old posts. My husband committed suicide in October 2010. It's nice (in that sad way) to find someone that is going through something so similar. I live in a small town, so finding others in my situation has been impossible. I've searched and searched online for others and have come up empty. Maybe it's just the right time. I started a blog and then another. I just couldn't seem to get started. Maybe now. I just need someone who can relate.

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    1. You know, I never did any suicide support groups or widows groups, because i just didn't want to hear anyone else's sadness. The thought of a bunch of grieving suicide widows all holed up in a room...it wasn't something I felt I wanted to do, at all. I started blogging accidentally, really, and was fueled by all the comments I got right off the bat. People seemed blown away by what I said...even though I didn't and still don't think it's any big deal, because this is what goes through my head everyday. Meeting some of these other girls through this blog and from the Madwoman facebook page has been really great. It's just good knowing you can survive, you can be ok, and you're not alone. And I think it's good to know it outside of a sad suicide survivor's meeting..although i shouldn't knock them as I've never been. Anyway, welcome, i'm glad you are here!

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  5. i found this a few days ago, started from the beginning and im here, got more crazy months of your life to read...forrest gump should have said "crazy is as crazy does" ....didn't go thru your exact pain, but have been trampled on by more shit that keeps coming, laughter is the ONLY way to get thru it...sometimes it seems like im reading MY diary and wonder how you got in MY head...ive been a writer since i was a talker and your blog makes me want to share the craziness thats in my head every day begging to be put on paper, or commited, not sure

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