May 9, 2012

Fences Make Good Neighbors


I was going to write another ‘Mean Shit’ post, but now I don’t have to, because this is some really mean shit right here, ya hurd me?  I felt the shit brewing yesterday.  I was feeling slightly sorry for myself, and I really don’t like that emotion.  I never allow it for long.  I’m hesitant to tell on myself, because then you all will know I’m a lunatic.  But here’s the deal:  My next door neighbors are assholes.  Not just regular, run of the mill assholes, but cray, cray, crazy assholes.  Their own grown kids don’t speak to them.  They fight with all the other neighbors, they hate everyone; they are just persnickety old miserable assholes.  They have never even acknowledged Dave’s death. The guy once cut a tree down in my backyard, on my side of the fence!  I should have kicked his ass a long time ago.  It’s awkward because we don’t speak.  I see that as negative and it bothers me every single time I see them.  It’s just weird to not be friendly.  About twice a year, one of them will acknowledge me, and I’ll respond nicely.  But then a few days after you’ve spoken and you think you might be ‘friends’, they will throw it in reverse and ignore you completely or even roll their eyes if you tell them hello.  So I quit trying to be nice years ago because you can’t deal with psychos like they’re normal human beings.  I don’t have time to make these fuckers like me.  Every time I go on vacation they ‘do something.’  This usually involves annihilating bushes on my property.   They have no grass, no plants, no trees, no landscaping whatsoever, in their yard. Their yard is mud.  Truth.  We have 100 year old oak trees lining both sides of our street.  It’s a truly magnificent sight and the reason most of us live here.  The man once inquired about having his oak tree cut down.  It was too expensive.  Their house is crooked and sinking, with peeling paint everywhere, broken basement windows, and birds and squirrels making nests where a vent cover is missing.  You all know I don’t like ugly shit.  I cannot stand this ugliness, so I have a line of trees/shrubs that divides our property.  This offends them.  The fact that it offends them makes me slightly tingly.  So today, I notice they’ve hired a new lawn guy.  They go through lawn guys every couple months and end up in a fight with each one.  After lawn guy leaves, I go to pick up big darling to get new glasses, and I notice that there are about 6 or 8 inches of leaves covering everything in my yard that separates our driveways.  Please understand I’m not talking about an accidental blow job of miscellaneous lawn debris.  I’m talking 3 months of leaves.  In the last 3 months, I’ve probably filled up my 55 gallon garbage can 6 times.  So we are talking enormous volume here.  I am stunned.  Here I am, a single mom to 3 kids, a fucking widow at that, and this person has just been paid to be a lazy ass piece of shit and blow 6 garbage cans of leaves into my yard, for me to pick up, by myself, with 3 kids underfoot.  So I walked over, and knocked on the door.  You all know where the fuck this is going.  I asked politely, because I know the bitch is whacked, if she would please ask her new lawn guy not to blow the leaves into my yard.  What does she respond?  That she told him to do it!  She said they were my leaves, not hers!  I stood there for a long while.  What could I be missing?  Then I calmly said, “You just PAID a person to blow leaves into my yard?”  Yes, is the answer.  Yes.  She motherfucking said YES.  I’m not even certain that I have the words to describe how apeshit I went.  Ballistic does not suffice.  I was an animal.  A rabid one.  I popped the top and cut loose with my words on this bitch in a way I haven’t done…possibly ever.  Midway through, I almost started to laugh. Because I knew just what I was doing.  I made a decision right then to have a free therapy session.  On an asshole.  I love a well deserved ass whipping.   I said unbelievable shit.  Every time she opened her mouth, the minute I heard the slightest sound, I cut loose.  I was out the box.  Then I got a rake and flung every leaf back into her yard.  Like a maniac.  Now here is the part where I’m all conflicted and confused.  Usually if you have an altercation with another person, the normal reaction would be anxiety or nervousness.  You would be shaken up.  But I wasn’t.  I was so calm.  I felt so at peace.  Even happy.  I was as cool as a cucumber.  I was singing in my car, I picked up big darling, we laughed and giggled and enjoyed an early afternoon off school.  I can only surmise that the universe is not displeased with this altercation.  And neither am I. 

23 comments:

  1. You are my hero! Sounds like the neighbor got exactly what she deserved.

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  2. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! My husband is looking at me like I am crazy cause I am busting up laughing. I want to come over and help you throw leaves in her yard, too!

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    1. I will be blowing my leaves in their yard from now on. Fuck picking up leaves. ;)

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    2. Sounds like your Scorpio charm has found it's way to the Passive-aggressive (very dangerous) neighbors! They must have been hoping you would acknowledge them in such a way that would bring you down~but they were wrong :o) and obviously not remotely equipped to engage such a worthy adversary such as yourself!! poor things, Bet they will think again before they throw anything your way----much less wave, smile or roll their eyes at you from afar~Good--because all that negative, morose energy needs to stay on the other side of the fence---nary to intermingle with you or the darlings, ever! Might even need another row of hedges or something? they sound jealous and those kind of people are scary at best. maybe a few sprinkles of Holy water would be in short order and on-going as needed----sprayed over the fence from time to time since they are sharing some of the earth with you! How sad and disturbing some people can be and are. Makes one wonder WTF could have happened or not happened to them to cause them such malice towards a neighbor---and certainly one that is a lovely,compassionate kind and witty old soul like you? It is simply a blyte on the human spirit to have to engage and try to understand and deal with and/or overcome such evil in the world--but your own backyard-come on??--just to have to be mindful of them tis enough to compromise the integrity of our Chi, so give them up to God and invoke the intercession of patron saints who are kinsmen and well schooled in the Art and Mastery of accepting things we can not change and keeping their weirdness stuck in the mud that surrounds them--that should keep them focused on them selves and perhaps lend to some insight , albeit negative, to how miserable they must really be????????????? And to think after all you have endured these past months, that they would have purposefully tried to pull such crazy crap, transferring their sad and lonely lives onto you and those precious boys-----shame on them--and yes I am glad you set them straight and in so doing felt joyful and at peace about it! :o) *8o I guess sometimes the best choice is not the path of least resistance? GOOD cause if it makes you feel calm, happy and better etc...then I am certain there are many more idiots for you to set straight in this life~~~~unfortunately I believe you will run out of time before that job is through here--but hey if the opp presents itself and you feel a call to duty then go for it!! I will be backing you up--as always! Sure do love ya! From:One of the muthas in Ky who knows the stars incline they don't compel!
      Also, I think St Anthony is one to stand against hopeless causes?? he might be just the ticket?

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  3. I would have done the same thing! They totally deserved it!

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  4. You go girl! I'm a 46 year old stay at home mom with a 3 year old and a great hubby and I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how you do it! The neighbors behind us ran a water hose from their inground pool cover and was draining it into our backyard. I mean literally pushed 3 feet of hose into our yard. Here I am on a cane (I have had 4 back surgeries) and 8 months pregnant on Thanksgiving Day arguing with this nut. I told her to move it now or I was calling the cops then my attorney. Her response? 15 yrs ago when our neighborhood (her street isn't part of our subdivision) was farmland a creek ran through it. After I threatened to stick my can up her BLEEP she picked the hose up & put it in the yard of her adjacent neighbor on her same street. I swear people are crazy! Now they have 4 pit bulls that growl at us when we play in the back yard. I have big "clubs" lined up along the fence and leaning on trees for the day one of them jumps the fence. Good grief.

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  5. It's called letting off steam. You needed to do it, she deserved it, no harm done. In fact I say you never hold back on those assholes again. Make them afraid to even think about you much less fuck with you ever again.

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  7. Bwahahah! I too have asshole neighbors and would love to go all apeshit crazy on thier asses! Good for you! This had me and my husband (I read it to him) laughing out loud. Love your blog!

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  8. Hi, how can i contact with you?

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  9. LOVE IT!!!! You go girl! You are my Hero and I am now sitting hear with a grin from ear to ear! That'll teach 'em!

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  10. omg.. hysterical... and in Lakeview!! ?? WTF?

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  11. New follower! I am looking forward to keeping up with you and your writings!

    Please follow us back over at
    http://threewisemommys.blogspot.com

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  12. Love it! Once again you made me laugh at loud, which is all I can ask from a blog:)

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  13. Hahaha, good for you!!! I wish I had the guts to do that!

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  14. You are officially my hero. (You were before this too, but this made it official). I would have done the same damn thing... Okay, I probably wouldn't have. But that's why it makes you my hero. It's something I would think of doing, and wish I had the balls to do so, but probably wouldn't. You are one kickass mutha!

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  15. You should definitely invest in a leaf blower, it sounds like you are going to be busy and it will make the task at hand easier and quicker. I dont suppose there is any way you could (wearing gloves yourself of course) get a hold of some poison sumac that mysteriously appears in their yard (not too close to your property line of course). At least when they arent waving hello you can get delight at seeing their hands being put to use scratching their asses raw. Er, was that wrong? Probably. I suppose fucks I do not give. Unfriendly people suck an karma is slow.

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  16. Um, I just had to make a mention that when I post a comment, it makes me enter that line of letters to confirm I am a real person and not spam so my post will go through and the word they gave me today was titilage. Yes, it really was. I think I may have to make a use for this new word. Thought I would share.

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  17. This is fantastic. I am your new biggest fan. But please... don't leave (leaf? hohoho) it there. What happened next? How have they reacted? Where are the leaves now? (Because you don't have quite enough to do already...)

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  18. lol... your neighbor deserves it! I really admire you in many ways! I really love all of your posts, I'm always visiting your site for new post. Keep it up.

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  19. They pushed that button that unleashes the "Don't fuck with me 'cause I'll fuck you up!" beast. It takes a lot to push me but when my button is pushed (there is rarely a warning), I unleash in a way that leave people stunned and witnesses saying, ddddaaaaaammmmnnnn, she is right on! Mostly, because no one sees it coming and most people think I'm too nice. It always makes me feel good and proud and even comforted too. It's like what you did, and it is a time in which you will never have to say the "I wish I would have thoughts to ..." It might be growing up in the 9th ward but I was probable just born with it.

    And just as a side note, I have learned that neighbors can not directly effect your property or have damage that encourages nuisances such as possible rodents, etc. so you can report them to code enforcement that you have seen rodents/squirrels coming from holes in their house and you are concern because you have young children, the may be forced to at least fix that or be fined.

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