I was going to write another ‘Mean Shit’ post, but now I don’t have to, because this is some really mean shit right here, ya hurd me? I felt the shit brewing yesterday. I was feeling slightly sorry for myself, and I really don’t like that emotion. I never allow it for long. I’m hesitant to tell on myself, because then you all will know I’m a lunatic. But here’s the deal: My next door neighbors are assholes. Not just regular, run of the mill assholes, but cray, cray, crazy assholes. Their own grown kids don’t speak to them. They fight with all the other neighbors, they hate everyone; they are just persnickety old miserable assholes. They have never even acknowledged Dave’s death. The guy once cut a tree down in my backyard, on my side of the fence! I should have kicked his ass a long time ago. It’s awkward because we don’t speak. I see that as negative and it bothers me every single time I see them. It’s just weird to not be friendly. About twice a year, one of them will acknowledge me, and I’ll respond nicely. But then a few days after you’ve spoken and you think you might be ‘friends’, they will throw it in reverse and ignore you completely or even roll their eyes if you tell them hello. So I quit trying to be nice years ago because you can’t deal with psychos like they’re normal human beings. I don’t have time to make these fuckers like me. Every time I go on vacation they ‘do something.’ This usually involves annihilating bushes on my property. They have no grass, no plants, no trees, no landscaping whatsoever, in their yard. Their yard is mud. Truth. We have 100 year old oak trees lining both sides of our street. It’s a truly magnificent sight and the reason most of us live here. The man once inquired about having his oak tree cut down. It was too expensive. Their house is crooked and sinking, with peeling paint everywhere, broken basement windows, and birds and squirrels making nests where a vent cover is missing. You all know I don’t like ugly shit. I cannot stand this ugliness, so I have a line of trees/shrubs that divides our property. This offends them. The fact that it offends them makes me slightly tingly. So today, I notice they’ve hired a new lawn guy. They go through lawn guys every couple months and end up in a fight with each one. After lawn guy leaves, I go to pick up big darling to get new glasses, and I notice that there are about 6 or 8 inches of leaves covering everything in my yard that separates our driveways. Please understand I’m not talking about an accidental blow job of miscellaneous lawn debris. I’m talking 3 months of leaves. In the last 3 months, I’ve probably filled up my 55 gallon garbage can 6 times. So we are talking enormous volume here. I am stunned. Here I am, a single mom to 3 kids, a fucking widow at that, and this person has just been paid to be a lazy ass piece of shit and blow 6 garbage cans of leaves into my yard, for me to pick up, by myself, with 3 kids underfoot. So I walked over, and knocked on the door. You all know where the fuck this is going. I asked politely, because I know the bitch is whacked, if she would please ask her new lawn guy not to blow the leaves into my yard. What does she respond? That she told him to do it! She said they were my leaves, not hers! I stood there for a long while. What could I be missing? Then I calmly said, “You just PAID a person to blow leaves into my yard?” Yes, is the answer. Yes. She motherfucking said YES. I’m not even certain that I have the words to describe how apeshit I went. Ballistic does not suffice. I was an animal. A rabid one. I popped the top and cut loose with my words on this bitch in a way I haven’t done…possibly ever. Midway through, I almost started to laugh. Because I knew just what I was doing. I made a decision right then to have a free therapy session. On an asshole. I love a well deserved ass whipping. I said unbelievable shit. Every time she opened her mouth, the minute I heard the slightest sound, I cut loose. I was out the box. Then I got a rake and flung every leaf back into her yard. Like a maniac. Now here is the part where I’m all conflicted and confused. Usually if you have an altercation with another person, the normal reaction would be anxiety or nervousness. You would be shaken up. But I wasn’t. I was so calm. I felt so at peace. Even happy. I was as cool as a cucumber. I was singing in my car, I picked up big darling, we laughed and giggled and enjoyed an early afternoon off school. I can only surmise that the universe is not displeased with this altercation. And neither am I.
PS: I hope you noticed the new Facebook button on the blog, so now you can conveniently 'like' the Diary of a Mad Woman Facebook Page as well. A rockin' mutha did this for me. Check her out at http://www.digitaldani.com/blog/ She blogs about gadgets and does tech reviews and also has a really cool ecard business. Her writing is so refined...it's refreshing after reading my searing words. Thanks Dani!