May 2, 2012

haulin' ass

Yesterday I had moving on my mind heavily.  Should we stay or should we go?  In the beginning, right after Dave died, no one would hear about moving.  The thought was unbearable.  After a couple months, I wanted to swap the positions of Dave’s big leather chair and a more comfortable upholstered chair with an ottoman that is also in our living room.  The kids freaked out.  They didn’t want me to do it.  Then one day, I just did it.  I swapped them.  It didn’t hurt anyone.  His chair is still there, just in a different spot.  But yesterday, the middle darling asked me to turn on the light in the garage.  It was just he and I, and I usually never ask him anything about the scene in the garage, even though I think about it every time he is in there, or anyone is in there.  It’s impossible to walk in there and not think about it.  Does he think about it too?  I must be totally stupid to even think he ever didn’t.  I have asked him before, asked all of them before, and they have at various times said it didn’t bother them that much.  But yesterday, as we entered the garage, I said, “Buddy, does it bother you to come in here?”  “Well, it makes me think about daddy being dead on the floor” is the answer.  Then he shows me again where his legs were, where his head was, and says that his eyes were open.  The fact that his eyes were open is a big deal to the middle darling.  I think that he thought Dave was still alive because his eyes were open.  It was the one thing he could cling to, the thing that gave him hope, but his hopes were dashed, and he never forgot it.  And in that moment, I think I made a decision.  It may not happen this month or even this year, but I think we are getting the fuck out of here.  People have told me to paint, change things, do this or that.  Nah.  It’s impossible for us to not use the garage.  It’s one thing for me to have to go in there and deal with it.  It’s quite another to subject my kids to it.  And the main thing that bothers me about this is that I never saw Dave dead.  I didn’t see him lying there.  I didn’t watch him die.  I wouldn’t even go in and identify his body.  They asked me to, and I refused.  I didn’t want that vision in my head.  I only wanted to remember him alive.  But my babies…they saw.  Their evil, sick and twisted father didn’t give them the opportunity to choose.  And sometimes I hope he’s rotting in hell for that.  I’m going to try hard to pray for him today, for all of us, instead of hate him.

I will leave you with slightly more amusing thoughts, because the other stuff has had me wallowing in self pity all day.  In my defense, it’s raining and I haven’t had a lazy day in a really long time.  The little darling has a ‘stay home day’ today, and he’s been asking me for candy since 9:43.  I was repeatedly telling him no and determined to stay firm.  After about the 4th time, he slyly walks into the office where I’m sitting and says, “Pretty mommy!” and strokes my arm.  I say, “Oh baby, I love you so much!” Then he holds the candy up.  He’s currently on his second pack.

The Diary is still #1.  So many of you have been leaving me the most incredible comments…I’m speechless at a lot of them.  I promise to respond to each one of you.  I want to make sure you all know how much these words mean to me.  I know we don’t know one another, we certainly could be standing in line next to one another in the grocery store on any given day.  But when you tell me things like, “I’ve been up all night reading and I can’t stop” and “this is some of the most compelling writing I’ve ever read” and “I look so forward to reading your blog each day” and “I’m taking a break from reading so I can pray for you and your darlings”….I’m just so touched.  It further cements that we are all connected.  That our actions, our words, they affect each and every one of us.  So many people have said I make them a better parent.  Your comments to me make me a better parent too.  Love to you, Madpeople.


  1. I love your posts. I see myself in every emotion you have had about your husbands death. I have "survived" 3 years now. The laughter, tears, memories and sunflower seeds have all been part of my journey. Thanks for having the guts to write about it. It means so much to me.
    Keep it flowing...

  2. At least my kids didn't find mine in the car in the garage. He was in a different state against my wishes and requests. His 18 year-old nephew found him when he came home from school. The nephew that worshiped him. The nephew that already had emotional problems and had lost his grandma, grandpa and dad within a few years of one another. He called me that morning & told me he was at a hotel in Chicago & was dying. I called his brother & he went driving around to every hotel in the city looking for him. STUPID ME didn't hit the call back because I believed he was being honest. Imagine that - me thinking he was being honest about where he was...ending his life...he didn't want to be saved. He was at his sister's house the entire time. It was all planned out. She holds guilt for not recognizing he was acting weird that morning and didn't leave work to go home and check.

    It breaks my heart that your sweet little babies had to see that. It breaks my heart that their lives are forever changed. I know. I know. I hate it for all of us.

    This is good therapy for all of us. Thank you dollface!

  3. I love the absolute raw honesty of your blog. Please don't ever doubt yourself. What you are going through is allowing your sons to see how a heart breaks and mends. And believe me they will one day see that your love was stronger than Dave's, and they will see a true parent, and strive to be like you! ( Please, no offense to that tortured soul!) You are to be commended over and over for allowing your children to have their feelings in their own time.

    Whether you move or not is a decision you must come to on your own, and whether it is to stay or go, I'm more than positive it will be for the best for you and your boys. I will say you all deserve nothing but happiness from here on. Please know that you have someone in Pennsylvania rooting for you!

  4. Well, I've now read the entire blog. You are one of the best writers at putting down all that emotion. This morning, my husband came by to check on me, and I didn't want him to leave. I thanked him for being a great husband, father and son-for taking care of me during the last few years hasn't been easy on either of us. Tonight while he was ironing his work clothes for tomorrow, I read your post about the day it happened-he had huge tears running down his face as I read your reaction and the fact that your darlings had to witness this. I also read the first post-about the robbery. (Of course he said had he been your neighbor, things would not have ended as they did.) Know that we are dumbfounded by your strength and resilience. I've used humor as a coping mechanism for years-I just get so tired of crying, I have to laugh.
    Might want to let Chardonnay venture from the Goose and try a trip to Malibu instead-it's the only thing that doesn't make me feel like I've been hit by the ahit truck the next day!

  5. Wow.... Just wow. Words can not even express how my heart goes out to you and your little darlings. I sat here tonight and started at the very beginning and read everyone of your diary inserts. Im so sorry for the pain your family has had to go through. But I commend you for being an amazing mother, and an incredibly strong woman. I can not relate completely as I have never lost someone the way you have, but I did lose my brother and his wife in a house fire unexpectedly. My heart goes out to you. <3

  6. Just happened upon this blog via the Clonopin Chronicles last night. Read until I woke up to my computer beeping because my face had keyboard letters imprinted on it. I'm referring a family member of mine who is rather young to begin reading your diary. I don't know if she will but I have messaged her via facebook. She is in her late 20s with two daughters. One around 7 and the other around 2. Her husband (my husbands first cousin) was outside grilling a couple of months ago and said he was going to the bathroom and from what I understand, hung himself while he was up there. No signs of depression or anything prior, he was always the happy go lucky one. There is that evil side of mental illness that goes undetected. I hope she will visit your site because I think it may help to know that some of the emotions that she feels from day to day, the ups the downs, the anger, the love, the pain, the agony...are "normal" considering. God Bless you and your family!!!

  7. Stay strong! You are an inspiring woman and I admire you greatly. Thank you for sharing this and please, please, please continue to write! You have a great voice and it really comes through in your posts :)

  8. tia - mommy secrets
    all i can say is wow. i am speechless, where you have so many words. you inspire many with your strength and your kids are so lucky to have you for their mom. keep writing and i'll keep reading!

  9. I am new here.
    So far as others saying this blog/you make them better parents? Based on what I've read so far, I can totally see why. You certainly have made a follower out of me.

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