May 1, 2012

In the line of fire

Just flipped the calendar.  It says ‘last day of school’ on this page.  Summer.  Glorious summer.  No socks to wash.  Eat 3 meals a day outside.  Sleep late.  No lunches to pack.  Who cares if they get dressed.  The salt water pool is your bathtub.  Beach vacations, spending time with my FL muthas, living outside on the patio.  Swimming.  I need to write and sell a book so I can get a pool.  We need a pool.  And I’m not talking about this above ground pool looking thing that is about to be in my yard again.  I’m talkin’ waterfalls and cool mosaic tiles and tropical plants spilling over the sides of big pots. 

But here is what else I’m thinking about today.  My favorite place on the patio is in the corner L-shaped chair with a big fluffy floral print pillow on it.  It’s my spot.  It’s where I sit.  Everyone knows this.  Does anyone else think it’s mildly coincidental that if I had been sitting in ‘my spot’ when Dave killed himself that the bullet would have grazed my ear?  I’m trying not to let my spot be ruined.  I love my spot.  But from time to time I get rattled by this.   Someone came and patched the bullet hole on the wall.  But of course I could still see it.  So I hung something over it.  It was a cute, artsy patio sign Dave and the kids had given me for Mother’s Day last year.  So, in my surreal little world, I sit in my spot and think about the bullet whizzing past me, and how my Mother’s Day gift hides the bullet hole. 

And here is the other thing.  The bullet went into the pool.  Made a hole in it.   My brother had to let half the water out and patch it the next day.  I sooo didn’t want to get in that pool again.  I knew his body parts....his skin cells and hair and tiny pieces of his heart were on the bullet that went in there…and that was all we had left of him.  The police took the bullet.  I had made him get in the pool and play with the kids the day before, on July 4th.  He forced himself to do it.  It looked physically painful for him.  I want to stab him repeatedly that I had to force him to play with his kids.  God, he was so sick.  I’m such an idiot for not having him committed.  Now the pool’s about to go up again, with the little patch on it.  Fuck you, Dave.  If you give a fuck about us at all, you better put a real swimming pool in my path.  I need something better to think about when I’m sitting in my spot, something better than my husband’s bullet whizzing by, stripping the branches off my ficus tree and landing in the pool.   Some crazy mad big patio parties might do the trick too….we need some fuh-reaky stuff happening down there…to cancel out the other fuh-reaky stuff.  Ya hurd me, people?  It's the pink elephant trick, remember?

Maybe these morbid thoughts will just go away.  For a long time, I could not walk down the back steps without thinking that he walked down them with a gun in his hand, knowing he was going to destroy us.  With every step I took, I wondered what was going through his head.  It made me crazy.  Did he even think of me?  The kids?  One of Dave's clients was Miller Lite and he used to build the stages for Jazz Fest and Voodoo Fest, and these artists would come and paint all this crazy shit all over them for decoration.  I was actually going to call them and ask them to turn my back steps into some crazy mural…so desperate was I to simply walk down them without these horrid thoughts in my head.  And then…it just sort of went away.  Gradually.  I got numb to it.  I finally went up and down them enough.  Every now and then I still think it...but I just handle it. 

Sometimes I think we should move.  I know that some people in my family are weirded out about my house.  But I’ve always loved my house.  My house has always been light and airy and beautiful with good energy.  And that’s what other people say about it…all the time.  I know I could just sell it and get another house that is all those things….plus a pool!!!  Maybe I should.  The problem is that my sister lives literally a stone’s throw from my house.  I think if it weren’t for that, I might do it.  You see what’s happening here?  We are getting closer to the day.  We’re in May now.  Two months away.  Gheez Louise who knows what the fuck I’ll be posting here for the next couple months.  Fucking crazy ass surreal roller coaster life.


  1. I am new on here and some friends posted your blog. I have been crying since I opened it. I would love to talk to you via email if I could, I think your blog might be the first thing I've found to save my life. This is the first time I've seen anyone go through things I have, and be open about the struggles we go through afterwards. It's been almost 9 months for me and no one wants to talk about it with me, or guide me, or help me. I feel lost, and alone. Again, I'd love to just talk via email, if you're willing. It's good to finally know I'm not alone. <3

  2. I love you lady! Everytime I read your blog there are tons of thoughts and I never know what to say, because there arent words to justify what you have been through and are still feeling and going through. I can not even BEGIN to imagine. You are amazing, inspiring and so real and raw. Keep doing what you're doing. One foot in front of the other. I wish I had words that could offer comfort. I wish you weren't writing any of this. I wish we weren't all here reading these words that are your reality. But as long as you are sharing, I will be reading. Please don't ever run out of things to say. Don't ever give up. <3

  3. I had 2 sons kill themselves, seven years apart. Life moved on, sometimes with my input, sometimes without. Reading you helps, I don't know why, I'm not the most introspective guy & the truth is I can't say I've suffered horribly the last couple of years (unlike you, I can't find the words to describe the 1st couple years).
    You seem to have the priorities straight, putting one foot in front of the other, repeat, repeat again. I hope everyday that it gets better, I hate that I know some days it won't, but at least, in the aggregate, the better days should win.
    Life is supposed to be cherished, so cherish the glimpses of joy in your children's eyes. Cherish the love & good intentions (even the awkward ones) of your friends & family. Cherish your fantastic gift for the written word. And keep putting one foot in front of the other.
    And, some day, write a book. It will be good.

    1. Zeke, I'm so sorry about your sons. I honestly can't even imagine....and that's some cred there, right, coming from me?! Thanks for writing...

  4. So many people at work are telling me how amazing your blog is, even my Mom is reading it & now you are #1!!! I am so impressed with your strength and will, your survival skills. I can read older postings & I know you have made progress & you are more positive!! Keep this up you are awesome therapy for all of us!!!

    1. People keep telling me their mom's are reading it...gawd mothers, please excuse the CURSING!!

  5. I have been reading your posts for about a month now. My kids' father is heading for similar waters I fear, and you've survived my largest nightmare. I feel it brewing, but there's nothing I can seem to do to stop it. We've committed him, and tried over and over to get him help, but he doesn't want it. I'm not glad you've gone through/are going through this, but I'm glad you decided to write about it. I feel a little less hopeless.

  6. Hi I’m Nick
    I really like your blog, content is great ,keep up the good work.
    I added your blog to my blogroll
    ( A Blog For Pets )
    Add mine in your blogroll/links, if you like…!
    Take care

  7. Hi everyone, if you think she is awesome just by reading her blog, i happen to know her and believe me she is all that and more. Told you my friend that doing this would help you in more ways that you can even fathom, as well as encouraging others and helping them heal as well as laugh their asses off...i luv you and always pray for your continued success in your journey.....
    Mary Clair

  8. OK, i confess, i spent alll day yesterday reading your entries – nearly every single one. I got no work done, only wiping tears and hiding laughter behind my big computer screen. (thank God my boss in engrossed in his own quest on his computer as to not notice my newest obsession) I can connect with you, on too many levels to post here. I only have but one thing I need to get off my chest (for now) . . .

    choose happy . . .

    choose it, every single day.

    you deserve it. your babies deserve it. no guilt, no regret, no options. choose it. live it. be it.

    for them & for you.

    i pour my compassion & love towards you. On so many factors, I can relate to your story, your wit, your grief, your pain, and your joy. I, too, lost a love of mine in tragedy, and I too, was married to an addict (who ironically, is named Dave), I too experienced more than one person should be able to bare. Only by taking it one day at a time, can you begin to feel "normal". Keep telling your story, keep focused on you, keep faith in your heart that someday, you'll do it automatically, but just for today . . . .

    please, choose happy. <3

  9. Every time I click onto this page, I find myself so uplifted by your spirit, your humor, the raw emotion and honesty of your words. My heart goes out to you & your beloveds for the tragedy that has befallen you; for those moments lost. How cruel this life can be. But it is out of the darkness that the strong truly reveal themselves. Keep writing, keep inspiring, keep keeping on and kicking ass as you go!

  10. I have never attempted suicide, but I know that escape feeling. When I had invasive thoughts, I went and checked myself in. People don't always do that. Those days were hell, and sometimes they creep up on you slowly strangling the life out of you. I am sorry that you have experienced such horrific set backs. Life is so cruel at times, but try and keep the tumor off your humor, and when you feel you've hit your boiling point, go do something that you like to do. Even a small reward or self indulgence can make such a difference. Since my husband and I are both Manic Depressives, we decided not to have children. I am 45 and have no regrets in that department, but at the same time it would have been nice to have that dream fulfilled of having a nuclear family. Life just didn't deal me those cards.

    Suicidal behavior is hideous and also genetic. Keep a close eye on your little bears, and I send love and healing light your way. Try not to feel forsaken, as that happened to me after a close untimely death, and I was pissed off at God for 3 years. I stayed sick as hell because I lacked any faith in anything. When I decided to let it go and stop assigning blame instead of saying well duh everyone dies a physical death, the load started to get lighter.

    I can't believe you got held at gunpoint when you did. I have no words but send healing and protective thoughts to you and your children and hope each day gets a little bit better. One of life's greatest mysteries is to look for the good especially in dire times.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I admire your courage!

  11. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just randomly stumbled upon your blog and can't stop reading. I have a feeling that some good things are in store for you. I wish you all of the kindness, happiness, and adventure of the world!


  12. You are an amazing spirit and a true inspiration to those that stumble upon your page or who have become avid readers.

    I too feel so bad that your family has had to endure the things you have, but you are stronger than you probably ever imagined. You are there for your kids, your family, but most importantly you have been able to be there for yourself.

    Keep healing, keep expressing, keep writing, but most importantly, keep living. You really are an angel for a lot of souls here.

    You will have good things come to you, keep believing, allow yourself to be loved, know that you deserve the good things, and it will all fall into place.

    One of my best friends lost her sister-in-law to suicide just days after Thanksgiving and right before her daughters 6th birthday. She too left behind three beautiful children and a family trying to answer the why's and how could you's. We can never know why they saw no other way out, maybe it was fear that if they didn't hurt themselves, they would have physically hurt their kids or family, we just can't answer that.

    Keep focusing on YOU. What you can continue to achieve. What strengths you can inspire in your children and those around you.

    Keep writing, keep living and keep loving.

    Much love, prayer, blessing and squishy cuddles for you...even if you don't realize you want them at the moment.