May 25, 2012

Just bathe in the light of the universe instead....


A few observations about summer:  I have about 20 beach towels.  I need about 692 more.  We each have a couple of bathing suits.  We each need about 468 more.  Summer is expensive.  I’m driving all over to mad parties with rambunctious crazy kids, but who cares, because I’m sitting in a lounger with a cocktail and a bunch of rambunctious crazy muthas.  Just as I was thinking my kids might be festering some sort of disease from, uh, not bathing every night, I read a facebook post from a friend who said her kids were in 3 different pools yesterday, so she’s not bathing them.  Ya hurd me?   Good.  We’re not bathing either, then.  I haven’t packed a lunch in days.  In fact, I threw away all the lunchboxes because they were getting stinky.  Fuck washing them.  I tossed them.   I have declared a ‘no sock’ rule.  You know how much I hate matching socks.  I loathe it.  I hate it as much as painting and cleaning toilets.  If I catch you with socks on, well, I don’t know what’s gonna happen.  I’ll probably just flip you over and pull them off and throw them away instead of washing them.  Flip flops are for summer.  Little darling acts all like he can’t maneuver them.  Tough shit.  Learn to move those feet in a flip flop.  Can’t run in them?  Kick them off and run barefoot.  It’s good for your feet.  My house is mostly staying clean, which makes me tingly, because we are not here, and if we are, we are outside.  Keeping the patio clean is much easier.  I just blast the shit with the hose.  I love it!  I so wish I could do that to my kitchen floor.  Yesterday I caught myself saying, “Don’t eat that in the kitchen, go on the patio!”  This is funny, because usually I’m saying, “Don’t eat that in the living room, go to the kitchen!”  The beach is calling me, ya hurd me?  I need my feet in the sand, I need to be dancing on a boat with the muthas, I need to let little darling swim with the dolphin, and I need a grouper sammich.  Soon.  Very soon.

I’m realizing something that first occurred to me shortly after Dave died, but it’s occurring to an even greater degree now, because more time has passed and we’re moving further away from the trauma and shock of ‘the incident’.  When a person in your home, a caregiver, a spouse, anyone is suffering from depression, your whole house is bathed in black, dreary light.  For as much as I was ‘normal’ and did my job as the overcompensating mother, for as much happiness as the darlings spun each day, there was still a black cloud above us.  It was Dave.  It was his addiction, his lies, his depression.  He did a bang up job of disguising it, but you really can’t fool the universe.  It was all still there.  And we all felt it.  When he died, I immediately sensed that it left us.  Mind you, what was left in its place was horrible, and definitely not better.  But I sensed that his black cloud was gone.  We had our own black clouds then.  But we’ve been determined to blow them away for almost a year now.  Sometimes it still rains, but mostly there is sun.  I suspect most of the world lives this way as well.   I’ve been getting loads of messages on the blog from people saying they are living with a Dave, or that they are a Dave.  One even said I saved his life.  I don’t take this lightly, of course.  I’m not a professional.  Clearly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.  I’m just a girl, actually a ninja, superwoman, goddess of everything.  I don’t want people to live under black clouds.  It’s not necessary.  It’s sad.  It’s damp.  It’s cold.  Happiness is free.  Declare it.  Seek it.  Be determined to find it.  It’s warm.  It’s beautiful.  It’s an ocean of love.  I get that some people have physical issues that may cause the warm glow to be elusive.  Don’t let that stop you.  I didn’t even realize we were living under the black cloud.  All I knew was that things were way harder than they needed to be.  I’m the goddess of everything, and I still couldn’t figure it out.  That blows me away.  But I have it figured out now.  Seek God.  If you don’t ‘get that’, then seek the light, the good, the warm glow of the universe.  It’s all the same thing.  Call it what you want.  But don’t stop until you’re bathed in it, until it washes all over you and heals you, because it can.  Declare it now.  It’s yours for the taking.  A free gift from the universe.  You just have to want it.  Seek it.  Spin it!

25 comments:

  1. Thank you for the hard laugh about the socks. Thank you for writing. Thank you for showing us the joy behind the sorrow. Thank you for surviving with such grace.

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  2. Thank you for your writing, and sharing with us. I can not even imagine what you are going through. I really look forward to reading your posts and following you on FaceBook also.
    Michelle

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  3. The first 1/2 of this made me smile. The second 1/2 made me cry. All of it made me thankful for people like you who make the rest of us dark cloud warriors feel so not alone. ♥

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  4. I am right there with you on the outside/pool thing all the time. Only problem this year is our friggin pool will not turn clear blue. Cloudy blue, flourescent green, yes, blue AND clear, no. I am SO annoyed. First world problem, I know, but how the hell am I supposed to entertain these kids with no friggin water source other than a hose. My husband says there are activities not regarding water. Whatever.

    I so wish I had some crazy Muthas to sip cocktails with. My bestie, who is my other half, now has a job that actually means she has to go somewhere and make a paycheck. Stupid.

    You are doing a great job, lady. Hope you enjoy the craziness that is summer :)

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  5. For little darling, try these: http://www.childrensplace.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10001_10001_-1_837087_471110_24651|61649_baby%20boy|shoes_babyboy. They're cheap, don't require socks, and are much easier for little ones to run around in.

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  6. I just stumbled upon your blog...and now I'm hooked!!! What a great positive post...I can't wait to read more!!!

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  7. I stumbled across your blog this morning and have been completely riveted! I've read every post, start to finish, in just a couple of hours. (Thank GOD we don't have a net nanny at work!) Your story is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. I hope the very best for you and your boys!

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    1. Thanks so much for your well wishes. Means alot!

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  8. get your ass to Florida. I'm gone the whole month of June. stay here. Swim. go to the beach. Don't rob me cuz I'll cut you. And don't judge my dirty house.

    And fyi- Every night of summer my kids swim in the pool til about 10pm then go to bed. It will be Thursday and I'll say "when was the last time ya'll touched soap?" and it will have been like Sunday... Whatever. Chlorine is kind of like soap. Kind of.

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    1. I will clean your house like a super freak maid kind of person. I really want to come!

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    2. Do it...there is a Village of cocktail sippin' muthas here too...

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  9. I just love love loveeee you!!...you're amazing and I enjoy your writing :)

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  10. oh, all also.. for the month of May JC Penny's has beach towels for $2. I bought 15 new ones. ;)

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  11. You talking to me right? I know ya talking to me.

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  12. Hi, I just stumbled across your blog tonight, when I was voting for another blog on Top Mommy Blogs. The title of your blog really got my attention and so here I am. I cannot imagine how incredibly difficult your life has been and i think that it is great that you can write about your own personal tragedy in such a public forum.

    I am a 46 year old divorced mom of three kids and I thought that I had a tough life. While your life story is heartbreaking, it is also a frank account of how shitty life can really be and that in spite of it, you can get through it. I love your unabashed and frank writing and I admire your strength to keep on living and raising your babies. Thank you for sharing your life for all to read, I do hope that life gets so much better for you and yours. I also hope that you keep writing this blog.

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  13. I feel you! My experience with the dark cloud for most of my life. My uncle was a drug addict and there wasnt a time that anyone was happy at home, he beat me everyday and I just wanted to fight back but I was a little girl and I couldnt do anything. When I got pregnant I left home and that was the time the dark cloud disappeared, my uncle died! His half brother (my other uncle) killed him out of anger. I know it may seem harsh but I got happy that he was gone. That was like my light.

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  14. Awesome post girlie. I'm working my way thru the suicide of my man of 5 years, who was that 'safe place' and at the same time, a bit of a black cloud. Understood his post-military life, got the injuries he suffered blah fishcakes...but he left and my plans with him, my kids and my future are gone.
    Picking up the pieces stinks, it's hard work but there are moments where I am glad he's moved to where he's in no pain. I will find my way, it's what I do. Creating a new life at 48 is certainly errr...ummm... do able, but sometimes not pretty. Your blog is so helpful to remind me, I'm not any more crazed than anyone else, I can overcome a ton of shit, I can be better than before. Keep writing chica. You are helping so many of us.

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  15. I have been at this all day. You have not stopped amazing me.
    I lived with a black cloud, he left me in June. Its been so weird to be relieved but sad at the same time. I get it.

    You are awesome and I would love to have cocktails with you by the pool dammit!!!!! xoxo

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  16. That dark cloud. I thought it was just as my house. Then I felt guilty for feeling some relief that it was gone. BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T WANT IT TO GO AWAY LIKE THIS! I was just hoping for him to see the sunshine, not take himself out. Thank you for that little boost of "it's ok, I feel the same way". Means the world to me. And so do you. I hope to cross paths with you one day. I'll be taking Zephyr to the Aquarium soon. He has not let me forget that Daddy promised to take him this fall. MOMMY will see that it happens.

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