May 22, 2012

The Queen Protects the King

Middle darling was enjoying his peanut butter and jelly sandwich outside today when he casually mentioned that ‘red things remind him of daddy.’  I flew to the table and sat down and said, “What do you mean, buddy?”  I knew what he was going to say.  Blood.  The color of the jelly reminded him of Dave’s fucking blood.   How is this my life?  How is it his?  How can I protect my children when a fucking pb&j makes him think of Dave being covered in blood on the garage floor? 

I hate Dave so much.  Hate.   I realize more and more that the blow is softened because I don’t love him anymore.  I can’t love a motherfucker who did this to my kids.  I don’t care if he was sick, crazy, any of it.  I hate his ass.  I forgave him a long time ago, because I needed to do it for me.  But we are divorced. 

I sat in my bedroom one day and spoke out loud to him.  I told him the act was unforgivable, and because of it I could no longer love him or be married to him.  Everything changed for me that day.  It was that day, I leapt forward and said fuck it.  I’m done being tortured by this man.  The game is over, and I’m running this motherfucker now. 

My kids don’t have the pleasure of hating him, or allowing themselves to fall out of love with him.   He is their daddy.  No matter what your parents do to you, you always love them.  When I cry, when I’m sad, when I say, ‘I miss him’…it’s not “him” that I miss.  I miss being a family.  I miss having a husband.  I miss my kids having a daddy. 

I can hardly remember him being truly happy and healthy.  It all happened so gradually…he took a step back each day for years.  I try to remember the things I loved about him.  I remember so much of what was wrong, instead.  I don’t want to be a hater.  The best I can do is remember that he had many good qualities, as a person.  He truly did.  It's really sad to think just how long it’s been since I’ve been truly loved, and content.  Way too long.  Because it was over for us way before ‘it was over.’  I beat my head against the brick wall until I had no fight left.  Apathy is the end for me.   That’s why he did this.  Because I finally said fuck you…I’m out.  And he called my bluff.  And said no…fuck you.  I’M OUT!  For once, he was more powerful than me.  And he proved it.  I wasn’t going to be there to hold him up anymore.  And he couldn’t live without my fight.  My love is not regular.  When I love, I love with fierce abandon.  Until I can’t anymore.   Imagine the fight I fought.  I am powerful.  Passionate.  My heart is mostly on fire.  It’s good to be loved by me.  It’s good to be defended by me.  I know this.  Because I love me, too.

19 comments:

  1. "Because I love me, too." That's the best part :) I know exactly what you're saying here. When my mother was upset with me because I took off my wedding rings not two weeks after he took his life, I told her that if I had to check "single" on all these stinking forms I have to fill out now, then I didn't need that ring anymore. HE left. Not me. Why should I hold on? Why should I not move on? I still hate him for what he did to my kids. I hate that he wasn't there to see our daughter graduate from high school on Sunday. I hate that he's not here to teach my son how to be a good and responsible boyfriend to his first "high school" girlfriend. I hate that our youngest daughter will likely forget most everything about him except that he liked a lot of pepper on his food and that he used to take her to the convenience store after school on paydays for a treat. But what I hate most is that I STILL want to protect his memory. I STILL want people to think fondly of their father/friend/cousin/uncle/brother/son. Why should I want that after everything? Sometimes it's just too complicated.

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    1. We protect the memory because we are protecting our children MORE by creating a positive memory for them. The good will eventually outweigh the bad but we will never forget.

      Those men of ours weren't always assholes. We loved them once. Can't say marrying him was a bad decision or the wrong thing or that I would change it. It was meant to happen. My husband was a phenomenal human being who wouldn't deal with his depression and fucked us over by leaving the movie before the credits.

      As angry, hurt, betrayed, and brokenhearted as I am and always will be...I can't HONOR the bad or it will eat me alive. I can acknowledge it and admit it was shitty but ultimately, I have to survive and find a way to be at peace with it. After 13 years, I'm almost there but I think I never will be because it's such a devastating thing to have to endure and I just don't think this lifetime is enough to accomplish it.

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  2. I feel the need to express gratitude for sharing your story.. To know you must be like knowing fire.

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  3. Wow. I think it's okay for you to hate him. I think I would too. What you're doing is going to help a lot of people...

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  4. Awesome!! You are so right-love yourself!!!

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  5. You have been dealt a hand that no one should have to play but you are a strong, awesome woman to handle your hand. I am a single mother, not by far under any circumstances on how you became a single mother, but I'm in search of other single parent forums, like mine.

    http://sistersouls.typepad.com/my-blog/

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  6. I often blame myself for marrying someone who didn't act sick when we got married but must have been sick. I should have somehow known then I could prevent the pain. I know it's not rational. How did you forgive yourself?

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    1. This is exactly what I believe in my situation. I saw some of it. I did. Should I have run away screaming? I had no idea it would turn into this. I really did think I was making a good choice. Well educated, good family, good prospects, good to me, good to friends. I feel I should've known but then I figure isn't there something about everyone that would make us run then? Can anyone ever imagine it coming to this?

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    2. I forgave myself right away because if I 'could have' stopped him, I would have. He was hiding the addiction...I never even had a chance to help him. He never tried. That can't be my fault. I wish I would have been kinder and gentler with him...I didn't know how sick he was, I mostly just thought he was being a hard headed asshole. You cannot be guilty for the actions of another person. I can't thrive if I'm carrying that guilt around. It would be impossible.

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  7. Sister GURL! Right on! You speak the words that are in my head and heart. Passionate...and I have the tattoo to prove it!

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  8. I am sorry for you loss but do enjoy reading your blog. Many blessings to you and your children! Thank you!

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  9. I am so sorry for you pain and loss...My uncle filled the daddy role in my life and for the past 7 years I have been dealing with missing him and hating him. He overdosed on heroin. I have not allowed myself to be angry at him because I know he was in pain mentally and felt guilty. I have made excuses as to why he didn't stay clean and thought that if he loved me more than the drugs, he would do it...thanks for giving me permission to to blame him for his actions and for leaving me...

    Love,

    Denny's niece...

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    1. I think the drugs take away all their feelings. That's how it's been described to me, by people who were 'almost there' but survived. If he could have physically felt the love, he would have and this wouldn't have happened. But, because of the drugs, he wasn't capable physically of feeling the love he otherwise would have.

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  10. This post spoke to me more than any others. I've been reading your blog only for a few weeks now and it hit home to me. My husband of 10 years suffers from anxiety and depression. As a result, it's always been about him. All the time. Never any space in the marriage for me and my needs. I too love fiercely. I don't give up on things. I struggle until I can honestly tell myself I've exhausted all possibilities to right the wrongs. I look within myself to see how I contribute and how I can change to help him change. All I've gotten is more shit in my face. About 5 yrs ago, when 5 months pregnant with our middle child, I began noticing a distancing that was different than the usual "ignoring because I'm too concerned about myself". I came out and asked him if there was someone else. Well, turns out there was some girl at work he liked but, as with everything else in his life, he lacked the balls to go through with actually cheating. He had the "hope" of someone else. WTF? So, I dragged his ass to therapists where they had him fill out some forms and determined the issue was him. The therapist thought there were marital issues of course but they felt that his twisted thinking and view of the world was the real issue. They told him he was just searching for things to make him happy. So, he got on meds, got off meds, got on meds, got off meds...yada yada. We stayed together. I morphed myself into a quieter, more subtle version of myself so much that now I realize I've become a door mat. I take what little he does give as better than nothing.
    It was the same as you said, It happened gradually but it was always there.
    I've reached my limit. I can do no more. But I stay, and will stay, for the kids. The one thing that man does do right is being a father. He is a great dad. That he did change. Me, well, that's not so simple.

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    1. i would never in a million years tell anyone to get divorced, esp with kids involved. But I will tell you that living without a cloud of anxiety/depression/addiction over my head is nothing short of exhiliarating. Truth.

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  11. i didn't mean to read your blog it was just by pure chance that i found it. i want you to know you saved a life today...and the lives of all the people who would have been affected by an act of selfishness. i will live to fight another day. i see what a coward i really am.
    YOU ARE...an individual who is NOT satisfied with enduring hardship but vows to find a way to overcome it. carry on...

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  12. Dear "Nomindofmyown":

    I'm so glad that you happened upon the blog 'by chance.' Only, I don't believe in 'chance happenings.' It's all REAL, all MEANT TO BE. The universe at play. So now you know you are meant to fight. Fight hard. Because on the other side of the fight, the part where you win, it's exhilariating to say not only I've survived, but I've thrived. This shit...what Dave did to us...it is so NEVER the answer. NEVER. Too many people have contacted me over the last few months and said "I was Dave"...and they told me how much they wanted to die, how horrible they felt,etc. ALL OF THEM ARE HAPPY THEY CHOSE TO LIVE INSTEAD. ALL OF THEM. Whatever the pain is right now, it will be less at another time. It never stays that painful. Especially if you are getting help, which if you aren't then you need to be. Dave never took the opportunity to get help. He never took antidepressants or even admitted he was ill or addicted. Don't be Dave. We have to live with what he did to us for so much longer. It freaks me out, to be honest. There's another way. And it's better. For everyone. I promise.

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  13. I would hate too. I would rage and seethe. And my heart would break for my sweet and innocent children. Fury would rule me, but you don't let it. You stay tempered and strong for your kids, and that is amazing. You are amazing!

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  14. This is so powerfully written - so much real feeling here. It's unfortunate that suicide is often dealt with so quietly, people often don't realize how common it is, making it that much harder for those who are left behind. At least that's how we felt when my husband's mother took her own life 8 years ago. I really like your blog - you are a great writer and a strong woman. I look forward to reading more.

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