I hate Dave so much. Hate. I realize more and more that the blow is softened because I don’t love him anymore. I can’t love a motherfucker who did this to my kids. I don’t care if he was sick, crazy, any of it. I hate his ass. I forgave him a long time ago, because I needed to do it for me. But we are divorced.
I sat in my bedroom one day and spoke out loud to him. I told him the act was unforgivable, and because of it I could no longer love him or be married to him. Everything changed for me that day. It was that day, I leapt forward and said fuck it. I’m done being tortured by this man. The game is over, and I’m running this motherfucker now.
My kids don’t have the pleasure of hating him, or allowing themselves to fall out of love with him. He is their daddy. No matter what your parents do to you, you always love them. When I cry, when I’m sad, when I say, ‘I miss him’…it’s not “him” that I miss. I miss being a family. I miss having a husband. I miss my kids having a daddy.
I can hardly remember him being truly happy and healthy. It all happened so gradually…he took a step back each day for years. I try to remember the things I loved about him. I remember so much of what was wrong, instead. I don’t want to be a hater. The best I can do is remember that he had many good qualities, as a person. He truly did. It's really sad to think just how long it’s been since I’ve been truly loved, and content. Way too long. Because it was over for us way before ‘it was over.’ I beat my head against the brick wall until I had no fight left. Apathy is the end for me. That’s why he did this. Because I finally said fuck you…I’m out. And he called my bluff. And said no…fuck you. I’M OUT! For once, he was more powerful than me. And he proved it. I wasn’t going to be there to hold him up anymore. And he couldn’t live without my fight. My love is not regular. When I love, I love with fierce abandon. Until I can’t anymore. Imagine the fight I fought. I am powerful. Passionate. My heart is mostly on fire. It’s good to be loved by me. It’s good to be defended by me. I know this. Because I love me, too.