I stood there for a moment, trying to collect myself. My first thought, thanks to the Diary, was ‘blog fodder’. I approached the tree and there it was, already covered in flies. My God, what kind of animals am I raising? Who does this? What kind of people shit in yards? I have a flash back to my own childhood, when my dad once caught a neighbor girl pooping by one of our trees. This makes me feel slightly better. Other kids have done this.
I may die if I get near this pile of human waste, so his punishment is that he has to pick up the pile of vileness. It has leaves on it, and the heat has multiplied the smell exponentially. He performs the task with his usual brand of serious drama, making a smeary mess and causing my blood to boil and my stomach to retch. I told him he was punished, because people do not shit in yards, but mostly because he has lied to me. God, please don’t let him have the liar gene too. I softened up a bit. Maybe he is not an animal. I hugged him and apologized for the bat shit crazy screaming, which was probably too mean.
Unfortunately, I forgot about the punishment of not swimming today, because I was hung over and needed the pool to keep them occupied. I had a fun night with the muthas last night. A cute waiter over-served me some sneaky margaritas. I was cocky and didn’t perform the proper ceremonial rituals in order to avoid a hangover. I definitely drank too much because the latter part of the night is somewhat sketchy, but I definitely remember calling a certain ‘big daddy’ a pussy, repeatedly.
I’ve been trying to think of a name for the husbands of the muthas. I think I’m stealing ‘big daddies’ as the new name for the husbands. The muthas are blessed with these men, and I love them just like the muthas. The big daddies love me because I tell their wives to give them blow jobs and sleep with them, because that is what I miss about having a husband. (Ok, maybe not the blowjob part.) I know husbands can be assholes. Men are a strange lot. I still can’t figure them out, and I’m pretty smart. But I demand that you all love each other for me. I can’t stop preaching it.