June 8, 2012

Golly Gee Willikers


The gods are forcing another shit sammich down my throat today, and I’m none too thrilled.   I swear, I feel like Katniss in the Hunger Games.  I decided to tidy up the playroom in the basement yesterday.  There’s been this weird stain on the concrete slab for probably a year.  I’ve often wondered what it was.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday, instead of just a stain, there was a small puddle.  What the heck?  I touched it, to make sure it was ‘water.’  And then I did that weird thing that humans do.  I put my fingers to my nose and smelled the ‘water.’ My head began to spin and my stomach began to churn.  You all know what the fuck I’m going to say.  Because this is a blog about human excrement, right?  Shit rules the day here.  It was shit water.  Sewerage.  Oh my FACK!  Right away I know this is not good.  I immediately flash back to months of weird flushing shenanigans, shit backing up into the shower one time, etc.  I realize this stain has been here at least a year, because I noticed it shortly after Dave died.  I specifically remember noticing it and feeling single and helpless and wondering if something was very wrong.  So the plumbers are coming tomorrow.  And no, it is not the hot muscle-y plumber.  He doesn’t have the camera thing that goes into shitty pipes.  I can only hope my head has stopped throbbing by the time the jackhammers are cranked up and we are on water lockdown.  Oh how I can’t wait to spend summer vacation money on this shit salad.

It’s taken well over a hundred thousand page views, but some humorless prick finally riled me up with a comment on my blog.  He/she read my “How Not to Be an Asshole” blog and was compelled to tell me that the message was lost, because I lack charm and grace given my ‘situation.’   Here’s a public service announcement.  The blog is called “Diary of a MADwoman.”  Not “Diary of a Humorless, Passive Quitter.”  I’m not that girl.  If I dig deep, I can pull my June Cleaver alter ego from my sparkly silver handbag though.  How’s this?

“Well, gee willickers.  Tomorrow, the darlings and I will excrete our waste into buckets.  And gadzooks, I’ll get the day off from doing all sorts of chores.  Some rather plain looking gentlemen with their backsides showing will grace us with their presence while they seek resolution to our odorous dilemma.  Aww fiddlesticks, we love life all the same.”  Hmm.  Yeah.  That’s likely to be called Diary of a Fucktard.

Seriously, hataz gonna hate, right?!  I’m convinced this person is either the author of “Men Are From Mars” or a person with a lot of tangled up cock fro.  I’m not very good at accepting criticism, on account of my being perfect and all.  But I’m really great at always getting the last word, especially on my own blog.  So, dear asshat, let me know how that shit sandwich tastes, because you’ll be eating it soon.  It’s just the way the universe works.  I’d be in quite the panic, if I were you.  The gods tire of me from time to time, because I can’t be held down.  I’m grace under fire.  Your grace may look different.  What charms you probably doesn’t even register on my scale.  Actually, I’m fairly certain it would bore me to tears and then cause me to make all kinds of fun of you again.  But I assure you, I charm the pants off beautiful people all day.  Ya hurd me?

28 comments:

  1. You go, Mama! If they don't like it, don't read it. And naturally, they didn't have the balls to post any sort of identity other than "Anonymous", right? I hope they read and respond to this - if they have their big girl/big boy panties on.

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  2. tell that he/she to piss off! keep on being real...it's great!!

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  3. YES YES YES.

    I don't know. I kind of like 'Diary of a Fucktard's take on things... when read with *sarcastic voice* it's pretty fucking awesome! ;)

    That person wouldn't like my blog either... I'm not *mad* about anything in particular, just sarcastic and cynical in general because I'm annoyed by pretense. :)

    Stay strong, woman! You are loved!

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  4. I only WISH I could write like you do and use every word I really WANT to use -- especially when I write about my mother. But I can't. And I think we're all getting your message loud and clear. Don't let the haters get to you.

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  5. Just FYI, your awesome "How Not To Be An Asshole" blog has been printed & put in a safe place to be a gift to all three of my boys on reaching maturity (when that day ever arrives). I consider it to be an amazing educational piece that every young man should read, it's the least I can do for my potential & (hopefully) wonderful future daughter in laws. On a side note I may have shoved it in my husbands face with strict instructions to "read, absorb & learn something mofo". You rule! That is all xx

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  6. I bet that hater will keep reading!! Every Dog has its Day!! Hope the shit cloud clears soon!!!

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  7. You are correct - people can't stand it when there's not negative energy on a blog (as if you don't have enough crap going on!) - I find it's easier to delete it and move on - the fact is they don't know YOU - they know the stories you tell.

    assholes.

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  8. Stick with Chardonnay she's much more fun.

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  9. Dude, you are awesome. Just wanted to let you know! :)

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  10. It's YOUR blog. You can do/say whatever you want! It doesn't take much grace to be overly judgmental of strangers on the internet alone in his/her mom's basement

    http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/424414_10150536010289735_529689476_n.jpg

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  11. Greatness!! (is all I have to say)

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  12. You're awesome!!!! Big high five from New Jersey!

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  13. You are Grace!! You are the Bravest! That sorry excuse of an air-breather thrives on making others lives seem less than her own. You are raising the Darlings like a Mama Bear!! You are not in the fetal position 24/7...though most would be and I wouldn't blame you if you were.
    So, get the shit cleaned up, crap in the bucket, but plan that damn beach trip <3.
    It's time to go...you know it is <3 <3

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  14. I love that you have the ability to say what you mean and let lose your "wicked tongue" out on the spot! I NEVER say what I want in those situations because I am in shock and usually beat myself up afterwards with what I should have said. Some people mistake that for class and I let them think that...but really if I could think of something truly nasty I would gladly spit it out. I am getting better with age. People are crazy! We just moved into a college town and I have met some crazy mfs! The sad part is that most of my crazy encounters are with folks who are very well educated. WTF?! There are too many people in this world who feel entitled.

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  15. Keep doing what you're doing how you're doing it because you keep me laughing. I get excited when I get a blog email from you. You've got to put humor into the bad, because who wants to sit in self pity all day?! Obviously jerkface is a fan and keeps up with your blog. Thank you for brightening my day with your poetic foul language and life stories chalked full of witty humor.

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  16. You are amazing!! They are only sourasses because your blog is fucking awesome and they are probably the same damn whiney ass people who rain on everybody's parade. Because their life sucks and instead of moving on to be happy they stay damn negative all the time and want everyone else negative as Well! Again you are an amazing woman for getting through and being better for your babies. And I myself will share that post and give it to my son in say 15 years (he's only 2, not so appropriate now) because that is down right honest and fabulous! You rock!! Keep it up because I thoroughly enjoy your blogs! Ad will continue to read them! (Although I tend to curse way to much afterwards! :-) )

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  17. Yeah. Tell 'em. Why people feel the need to comment and judge is beyond me. There but for the grace of God...

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  18. Love you! And LMAO - "Hmm. Yeah. That’s likely to be called Diary of a Fucktard" - I certainly don't subscribe to that blog.

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  19. Asshat has just become my word of the day. You rock!

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  20. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  21. CRYYYIINNNGG LAUGHING RIGHT NOW!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! -SHANNON

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  22. I want to join your fanclub! You rock! I adore your writing and honesty! My heart goes out to you!

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  23. oh my god...I almost peed myself, I laughed so hard at "person with alot of tangled up cock fro" seriously, that's some funny shiznit. I hope you write a memoir someday, i'll be one of the first in line to buy it.

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  24. I’m not very good at accepting criticism, on account of my being perfect and all...... has got to be the greatest words you have ever written...except for cock fro of course

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  25. Seriously, I worry about you, but gawd! do I get electrified by reading your stuff. Worry cuz I can sense you are on hyper-drive from trauma, (takes one to know one - ptsd fallout). You remind me of Mother Theresa, (yes, you do) in that you channel Spirit "in all its distressing faces." (Her description of the horror that she witnessed each day and seeing the Christ energy within it all.
    You are an inspiring person. Raw. Alive. Fervent. Human. Alien.
    A snapshot of what it means to live here on the teeming blue planet, and survive, hey, maybe even thrive.
    I send you love and gratitude.

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  26. "tangled up cock fro"-- I love it! Oh, how I wish I could bring you with me to my mean mil's house this summer. You would rock the mf'in casbah, sister! Keep doing what you do, you are gonna be JUST FINE-- of that I have no doubt.

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  27. You my dear are Perfection in a nutshell !!!! Keep it up !

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  28. I never criticize your perfectness! I attempt to become a part of it! :)

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