June 5, 2012

How Not to Be An Asshole When You Grow Up


I have these three beautiful boys under my thumb and raising them is a task I take seriously.  I want them to be successful adults.  Everyone wants that for their kids.  But I want more.  I want them to be good husbands.  In fact, not just good husbands, but incredibly awesome, irresistible, can’t-live-without-you, can-you-believe-this-guy husbands.  Only I have to raise them without a husband as a role model, because they don’t have a daddy.  It’s suddenly occurring to me that this is not a damning scenario.  (Queen of spin.) 

If you’ve been reading my blog a while, you know that I have a fear of my geriatric years.  Why?  Because the bitches who marry my sons are going to determine whether I’m in a quaint mother-in-law cottage with some pretty flowers and a carafe of fresh water on my bedside table, or whether I succumb to death in a pee smelling nursing home with naked old men flashing me their putrid body parts that I certainly won’t want to see when I’m 98.  I want the cottage, baby.  Preferably near the ocean.  And to get the cottage, I need to make sure these boys know how to be men.  Not just men, but men that the madwoman herself would marry.  Who better to teach them how to be awesome men, than a woman who loves men, right?  I mean, granted, the madwoman has landed in unfamiliar territory.  The madwoman has loved and lost.  But, I have extracted superior knowledge from life’s lessons.  I know what I like.  Hence, the madwoman’s guide to being the perfect man:

1.)     Tell the truth.  Always.  Tell the truth when it hurts.  Tell it when it makes you look like a fucking clown.  Tell it even though it might ruin your day, and hers.  Tell it even though the world may crumble and fall apart around you.  There is no other option.  Truth.

2.)    Tell your woman what you love about her.  Don’t just say, “I love you.”  Everyone says that.  If her cooking is extraordinary, tell her.  If her ass is to die for, tell her.  If you like how it feels when she runs her fingers through your hair, tell her.  You can thank me for this later.  And you will.

3.)    Be a good daddy.  Play with your kids.  Play with everyone’s kids.  Encourage your kids to be like you used to be when you were little.  Show them how to climb trees, ride bikes, wrestle and play sports.  Build forts with them.  Sit down and have tea and dress a baby doll.  Your wife is sick of doing this shit.  Your kids will think you’re a rock star.

4.)    Whatever your career, be good at it.  Whether you’re the lawn guy or a rocket scientist, be great.  I get that we all can’t be the best, but we can all try damn hard.  Being lazy is not sexy.  Trying hard is.

5.)    Be sexy.  Very few women really like the hair on your back and shoulders.  If they love you they may lie and say it doesn’t matter.  It does.  Shave it.  And tidy up that cock fro while you have the clippers out.

6.)    Burn your copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  Because that shit is over, that’s why.  If you want to slink off to your man cave everyday and pretend you don’t have a family, then go marry a cave woman.  This isn’t the fucking stone ages.

7.)    Put your family first.  Making lots of money is great, being non-existent because of it isn’t.  Every day is precious.  If you knew this was your last day on earth, would you really work till 7 pm?  Would you really stop for drinks on the way home?  Would you really just get your kids every other weekend like the court papers say?  Or would you come home and wrap yourself up like a pretzel around the ones you love?  Any old man will tell you the truth.  Ask one what he regrets.

8.)    Learn to cook.  Cooking is important, since without food we die.  Participate in meal planning, like you are shooting the fucking game yourself.  Women get overburdened when responsible for every meal.

9.)    Learn to be funny.  Humor is everything.  When your world is spinning out of control, a belly laugh is an anchor.  Some people are born comedians.  It’s in their genes.  If it’s not in your genes, then learn to relax enough to find the funny and laugh at yourself.

10.) Be positive.  Find the good in whatever you can.  Seek God.  If that doesn’t ‘speak to you,’ then find a good vibration and hang on to it for dear life.  Negative people suck.

I’m not even going to give a number to ‘don’t be an addict, don’t beat your wife or kids, don’t be a gambler, a cheater, or a thug.’  If you are, I hope your wife leaves you until you come to your senses.  Because ‘for better or for worse’ doesn’t mean living under the kind of oppression that comes from living with that shit.  Been there.  Done it.  Survived it.  I know what the hell I’m talking about.  There is no piece of paper marriage license worth living under the black cloud.  Sorry, but it’s true.  Get right or get out.

85 comments:

  1. HOMERUN! I'm sharing this with every man (young and old) that I know as well as every mother with a son. You make my world turn.
    With love from Kansas City!

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  2. Wonder how I can get every man I know to read this......especially mine!!!!

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    1. I was thinking the same thing!

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    2. There is so much I can say but instead I am going to leave this here, ask that you read it, and contact me...I have an idea I would like to run by you and I don't want it post it yet...more importantly though I would like you to read my latest post. http://www.syndenial.com/

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  3. Well said and coming from a mommy of a 6 year old future frat boy I will most definitely share this with him.

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  4. You are a ROCK STAR! I found your blog about two weeks ago and it has been a source of strength. To see what you've gone through and the strength it takes to do it makes me realize that I have the strength to make it through the crap salad that I've been served. Thank you and keep rocking it!

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  5. RIGHT ON!!! This is great!!! I'm sharing and sending this to everyone...not just mom's of boys, but EVERYONE!!! #5 is priceless...but whole thing is PERFECTLY said!! I want my girls to read this too...cuss words and all!! It's not like they haven't fucking heard them before :)

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  6. I know lots of guys gonna be reading this tonight! Doing my part to spread the word - even translating it into Spanish so certain guys in my life get the message. Thank you for writing this!

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  7. I'm very lucky to have a husband that is almost all of these things. I wish that for all women, especially my daughter. Thanks for expressing it so well!

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  8. You nailed it with this list. Thanks for writing it!

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  9. EVERY Man/BOY/Son needs to read this!!! Great lesson put to us in an easy fashion!! You put out 3 amazing boys I will put out 3 amazing girls!!

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  10. Amazing blog, amazing entry. I couldn't agree more and hope this sticks with your boys and mine!

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  11. Do you have any thing to share on what you tell people that you don't know too well as far as what has happened to you? Do you hear people that meet you for the first time say where's their dad? Is he at work? And do you just want to scream I work!! I do it all! With help from friends or family of course.

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    1. I always say "believe me, you don't want to know where their father is or how they came to me. it's a long-winded/horrific/sad story that I don't like to talk about. but luckily I have a great support system and we all are doing great despite the past!" That usually shuts up the nosy people!!

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    2. This is weird, but no one has asked me so far where their dad is. Strangers have made weird comments, like your husband must be happy to have 3 boys, but I just ignore that. Our community is small, even though part of a bigger city, and I swear I think most people just 'know'. When my older one gets to high school, we will have to deal with this though, because they won't know. I guess I'll just say he's dead. Of course then the person will say, OMG what happened. I still haven't a clue how to answer that. I'e been thinking I'll say he shot himself, then stare at them boldy, hoping to scare them from asking the 'on purpose' question. Because that part still causes me to feel uncomfortable. It always will.

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  12. Awesome, awesome blog. Well done and I'm sharing!!

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  13. Spot fucking on! EFF the fridge, this is getting framed! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are awesome and I Love you!!!!

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  14. God, I love HOW you write. It's really so amazing. This is not easy shit to do. You really do have a gift! BTW, great post and I will share with my two boys when they are old enough!
    -Valerie

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  15. So. Very. True. You are insightful and honest and a pretty cool chick. I love your blog!

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  16. FUCKING A.MA.ZING. I read the Mars/Venus book too, when I first got married, and it PISSED me off! I was like WHY do men get permission to NOT EVOLVE?? What?!?! Lady I wanna have a glass of wine with you.

    I'm sharing this shit with everyone I know. This needs to go viral.

    Keep it up!

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  17. Oh..this is such a good list....I agree...you might add...don't be a drunk...there is more to life than staying drunk..

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  18. Kristen from Abandoning Pretense shared this and I absolutely love it. I have one son and want the cottage too. Seventeen is not too late to change a few things, I hope. :)

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  19. Love....Love your list!!!! You are amazing Girl....love your writing!!! You got this!!!

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  20. you had me at "cock fro". what a perfect post! and that quote at the end if absolutely perfect!

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  21. Awesome advice. Adding to number 2: tell her she's beautiful, and NOT just when she's wearing make-up.

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    1. I completely agree!!!!

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  22. Amen Sistah! I love it - going to share it with my son. My oldest son committed suicide about a month after your husband, I cannot say I feel the pain of losing a spouse but I do understand your anger as I feel that way about my son at times. By reading your blog (stumbled upon it) I spent all last night and this morning catching up from the beginning up until yesterdays post. It has made me laugh and cry. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I hope that as you continually write you can help save the lives of others.

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    1. So sorry about your son. I can't even imagine that pain. It's so confusing, all the feelings, isn't it? Thank you for writing to me.

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  23. OMG I LOVE YOU And I am printing this and holding onto it for life. THANK YOU

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  24. This is awesome, and I am going have to not only share it with everyone I know, but print it and frame it. Since I only have one little guy I am going to need to stay on him with these rules so I don't end up in the nursing home with the pee stink and flashing old men you speak of.

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  25. This might just be the best thing I've ever read on the Internet!

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  26. Oh. My. God. I love this. Yes, yes, yes. You need to wirte a book, teach a class, something. This is so perfect. Hope my boys are listening to me when I sneak in their rooms every night and whisper this shit in their ears!

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    1. No LOL's....I vote book!

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    2. I agree with all that have said write a book!!!!!! I guarantee it will be on the best sellers list for a long time:) Your writing is unbelievable!

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  27. Telling the truth and being positive encompasses all of these. Thanks so much for the reminder.

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  28. I may not have sons, but I can definitely share this with my daughters. Hell, I needed to read this. Quite an eye opener.

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  29. Why haven't I seen your blog before?! I love it...I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!

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  30. This. Was. Awesome. Pretty much every point you made was something my dead ex did the opposite of. Man, I wish I'd written this. You rock!

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  31. OMG - this is the best piece of advice i have read in a long time! Well done for being so brutally honest - i will hang around for one of your sons :)I have just gone through a divorce because he cheated on me and i too want to raise my son to be so much better than his father! Well done!!

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  32. You write how I speak!!!It is no wonder my 22 year old daughter's favorite word starts with "f". My ex committed suicide the week after our daughters 18th birthday, we were the lasts ones to speak to him. It has been hard, but we have survived and become better women because of it. You are awesome!!!

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    1. Way too many of us in this club. BUT...it is inspiring when a survivor tells me they are better for it. I think that's a hard thing for others to understand. But to me it's the only weay to truly survive. Thanks for writing!

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  33. a bit of humor for you...
    this is a link to the song the words are below
    http://youtu.be/RiU088ink_0

    Screamers Dance Ian Dury

    So I’m screaming this to you, (screaming)
    From the last place in the queue (screaming)
    I really think you’d like me given half a chance
    But since we ain’t got that, I’ll do the screamers’ dance

    Some of us are ugly angel some of us are only small
    Some of us are useless sailor we haven’t got the where-with-all
    We went and missed the ending babe we never quite caught the bus
    We never speak our minds my love we ain’t got nothing to discuss

    Some of us are frigid love it comes from facing up to facts
    It’s hard to be a hero handsome when you’ve had your helmet cracked
    Cheerfulness is catching sweetie when the fevers you have got
    We’ve got a temperature, my dear, but we simply haven’t got the hots

    So I’m screaming this to you, (screaming)
    Silly season, skies are blue, (screaming)
    I hardly ever think I’ve made a small advance
    I keep my elbows in and do the screamers’ dance,
    DANCE!

    Waw, some of us are stupid sister, some of us are very shy
    Some of us get nervous chickie when you look us in the eye
    We’re ever so pathetic, chick we know quite well that we try too hard
    Some of us were born like this while others got it by the yard

    So I’m screaming this to you (screaming)
    ‘Cos I haven’t got a clue
    I really think I’d like you given half the chance
    Since we ain’t got that I’ll do the screamers dance

    (screaming)

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  34. :::STANDING OVATION:::

    That? Was amazing. You are my hero.

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  36. Keep rocking it! Can't wait to read about what comes next.

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  37. Thank you, again, for being you. This will be read to my 9 yr old boy… annually until he chooses a mate.

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  38. I discovered your blog today. I have read every single entry in one sitting now and I have been moved to tears several times. I admire your raw honesty and your strength. You are amazing. God bless you and your darlings.

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  39. Irony is as irony does, Hello Rachael. Thankyou, that is all, love Rachel B. x

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  41. Hi, I am a 40 year old father of 3. Currently in the midst of a cataclysmic divorce. While our situations are clearly on very different levels, many of your posts hit on issues that are universal. Just wanted to say thank you.

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  42. Thank you for the FANTASTIC post. Love it!

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  43. Also, it seems your blog is becoming pretty popular. I am familiar with website management and thought I would return the favor (since I enjoyed your blog). I noticed that you had not secured ownership of the domain

    seriouslythisreallyhappened.com

    I figured you would might want this domain so I just grabbed it. I will be happy to give it over to you immediately. I was afraid someone might swipe it from you and try to charge you a small fortune for it when you wanted it later.

    Let me know if you want it and its yours. (for free of course)

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    Replies
    1. Oh my, you awesome man. Why's this wench divorcing you? LOL. I've been meaning to do that but I sort of suck. Bless you. can you email me at madwomandiary@yahoo.com
      THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

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  44. First I want to say that I have spent the last two hours reading your blog in it's entirety. I am on dial up, so I made good time :) I found your blog by way of Klonopin Chronicles, and...the only words I can find to say are...awesome. Nowhere near the same thing, but I found my best friend/sister in law the night she succeeded in her suicide attempt. Life was pretty fucked for a good while. Your ranting, musing, thinking, healing...all struck a chord with me. Thank you for that. Just keep swimming. You got this.

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    1. Always so sorry to know that anyone else 'gets this' in that real true way, when it's truly touched you...grabbed you....pulled you down. Thanks for writing.

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  45. Hey its Sheilas daughter... I love reading your blog_!!!! Everytime you post another one I say to myself " yesssss" lol ..def will read thIs to my husband....

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  46. AAAHhhhhhh!!! I'm gonna stop reading your blog. You're the devil and the angel on my shoulder.
    (I'm not really gonna stop reading :)

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  47. I am printing your list for my (twin) sons, who will be 21 in 7 weeks. Like many, I hope my sons will take it to heart. This is an AWESOME post!

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  48. omg... you told your boys to trim their cock 'fro....

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  49. My husband and I both just read this, okay well I read it the other day and said that I had to have him read it. We think it's great. I have not been on the receiving end of the grief that suicide causes but unfortunately had attempted several times about 3 years ago. I was in a bad marriage and felt that it was my only escape. You are right when you say that another person can completely drag you down.

    I am so happy that he found my best-friend moved her in to our home and moved me into a condo while I was in the hospital for the attempt. I wasn't at the time but looking back on things I wouldn't have never know what true happiness felt like if all the shit didn't happen at once. I hated it at the time and wish I could have found you back then. Now I am grateful that our paths have crossed. You are an inspiring author. Keep going. :)

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  50. Thank God I do not understand your pain. The fact that you share it so openly and bleed out onto your blog is so real that it's kind of refreshing. Know that you have a friend out there who you have never met, but loves you anyway. Me!

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  51. Love reading your posts... You are strong and just amaze me... So glad I found you...

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  52. I love this!!! May have to turn this into a screen saver on my son's computer and, on my fianc'e's as well for that matter. Perhaps they'll get it if the message keeps flashing on the screen.

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  53. My god - Your post are amazing.

    6.) Burn your fucking copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Because that shit is over, that’s why. If you want to slink off to your man cave everyday and pretend you don’t have a family, then go marry a cave woman. This isn’t the fucking stone ages.

    Amen sister, going to save this & post to my girlfriends.. Off to keep reading :-)

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  54. I just found your blog today. You are amazing. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Keep up your wonderful writing. Your ability to make me laugh with one post and cry with the next is a true testament to your skill!

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  55. OMG, i love this!

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  56. Thank you so much, I absolutely love this blog!

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  57. And don't forget...every man should try to be the kind of guy they'd want their daughter to grow up and marry. If you're not that guy, then you need to get your shit together.

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  58. You already must know how much I love you!!!! Your blog helps me when I need it most (read; when I don't know I need it). My son will be 11 next Saturday, & while many people who haven't lived my life may disagree with this, I am printing this wonderful list, & hanging it up in his room.. Hope you're having a great day Doll!

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    1. OMG! I just read this to my husband. We love it! He said his hair clippers are charging right now. lol

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  59. I am on my feet clapping enthusiastically!! This totally rocked and I hope I can teach this to my boys. Point 5,6, and 7 were especially poignant for me. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I loved them all! TY for this!

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  60. So thankful I have a hubby like this, truly a blessing & your soooo right.

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  61. AMEN, AMEN, AMEN, AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! And did I say AMEN?? Great post!!

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  62. dope! you funny ass bitch.....

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  63. www.syndenial.com so I wrote this for you and about you and some others. I would appreciate if you would read it, and furthermore contact me I have an idea I want to run by you but not publicly...thank you for writing, for sharing your story and raising your voice it means a lot to people like me.

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  64. Where the fuck were you 29 years ago when I DESPERATELY NEEDED this sage advice?!

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  65. I am so blessed to have married this man!

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