June 17, 2012

Life's a Beach


I love my beach, and my beach loves me.  We are all tan and blonde and relaxed.  Many days of beaches, islands, snorkeling, boats and pools.  And crazy muthas.  Muthas that get robbed and kidnapped with me.  Muthas that know way too much about the Madwoman, but love her fiercely anyway.  I suppose I know way too much about those muthas too.  When the 3 of us get together, the rest of the world simply melts away. 

I left the darlings with a sitter so we could go out.   We are suddenly all single again, on account of being suckers.  Suckas.  We suck at love.  We love and lose repeatedly.  Maybe we are crazy.  But we are a happy lot.  I got out of the car to bring pullups in to the sitter before we left, and was gone about 30 seconds.  When I got back into the car, the first thing I said was, “Ya’ll talked about me, huh?  Ya’ll said I was crazy.”  Of course they laughed and denied it.  If I were crazy, these two would be the first to tell me.  My top advisors.  Upon arrival at the second bar, which was not a dancing place, I see one of them dancing.   Only right away I know she is not ‘dancing’, she is being way overly dramatic, making drag queen faces and mocking one of us.  This is how you dance, she cackles.  The mocking is immediately returned, as we turn her own moves into soul train gone bad.    We expertly made fun of one another, consoled one another, gave unsolicited advice, laughed way too loud and allowed a few tears to silently trickle all in a few hours time.  I can’t believe we are this old.  How did 20 years go by so quickly? 

What has struck me most about this trip is that we think we have changed so much over the years, matured so much, been through so much…all true….but we are really the same.  Not much has changed.  People don’t really change.  Their essence is essentially…their essence.  Forever.  It’s good to know I’ll always be a badass then.  Funny, strong, resilient.  Making my own rules.  Knowing that exactly what is meant to be is what shall be.  It's comforting to know I’ll be surrounded by those types of friends too.
I so needed this vacation, this escape from my reality.   I made a hasty decision to leave, made reservations, packed us and pulled out the driveway all in just a couple hours time.  The darlings chattered the whole way and kept me laughing at their silliness.  I had to stop them from bolting from the car and running headlong into the surf when I pulled up to check in.  If it weren’t for the baby, I would have just let them run, right into it.  It’s what I wanted to do too.  I’ve used the time wisely.  Allowing myself to purge some shit that’s been swimming around too much in my brain.  To listen to the voice in my head.  Vowing to tap the scales, and rebalance.  Father’s Day will come and go and my darlings will be oblivious…just as planned.  Our focus is on whether to go to the pool or the beach first, not on the fact that we would otherwise be left wondering what exactly is the protocol now on this awkward day?  I suppose I shall declare the protocol from this day forward will be to do just what we are doing now.  Living.  Having fun.  Not surrendering to the sadness.  Because it’s not necessary.

This morning, the boys were playing a made up game where one of them was a baby bird, and one was the daddy.  As the baby kept calling out, ‘Daddy, daddy bird!’ to the older boys, it struck me that they will always have one another.  They will always be close.  They know what it means to lose.  And they’ll never lose one another for that very reason.  That may be all the consolation I need to breeze through this day.  We have a fabulous day planned and another little party tonight.  What’s not to love about spending it on the most beautiful beach in the world surrounded by love.

13 comments:

  1. Happy Father's day to YOU! I hope you enjoy your day with your babies! I am going to spend the day with my Mom since she was both parents for me! So not only is this day for father's, but Also for the mother's who do the job for both parents!

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  2. I have the same kind of know too much about each other and suddenly single girlfriends and I can appreciate and relate to every thing you said about your trio of muthas. Enjoy your time at the beach with your little darlings, it is well deserved!
    P.S. I believe you always will be a badass Madwoman! :)

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  3. This one made me cry. So happy that you are finding a way to have joy above all else. The boys will always have each other, and you.

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  4. This one made me cry...It is so beautiful that you can see that knowing what it means to lose, although the hardest part of life, can be a blessing.

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  5. Took care of the yard and thought of you, the boys and Dave! Enjoy your time with fsmily and friends, There is a reason we are there.

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  6. Thinking of you today and I know you are in the best place possible!!! You are a true survivor!!!!

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  7. Glad you had an awesome night out with your friends. Those kinds of friends are pretty hard to come by!

    As for your impromptu trip to the beach: You could have called this blog "Diary of a Kick-Ass Momma." It doesn't sound as awesome as what you chose, but it's TRUE. :)

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  8. I see you are "choosing happy". Perfect. : ) Love you girl!

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  9. I just started following you a few weeks ago. I found your page through TopMommyBlogs.com. I was also an atheist until a few weeks ago. As I read through a few of your posts, feeling your anger, sorrow, exhaustion, and also your confidence and strength, I actually found myself praying for you, which is something I have not done in a very long time.. but it came naturally. And I prayed that you would learn to channel all those bad feelings into something powerful and positive. The wound will always be there, but you ARE healing. You are remembering how to LIVE. Being around good friends nurtures the soul and can help put things into prospective. It's great that you had this time, and I hope you will carry the love and lessons learned with you always.

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  10. Powerful words from the one that posted above!!!

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  11. I think the beach is an amazing place to relax, I just wish it was more accessible for those living inland. It takes me a good few hours to get there with the family right now, granted I'm not as far away as some. Vacation to the beach are always nice though.

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  12. I'm so glad to see you all are doing so wonderfully.

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  13. I grew up in California. Live here now. There is nothing like the calling of the ocean. It cleanses the skin, permeates your pores and the air pierces your nostrils down to your soul. It takes all your senses to enjoy the beach. The sounds of waves, the coarse sand, the bright warm sun, the wonderful smell in the air, and that you can actually taste the salt. I have, however, had many visits to the sea that involved tasting the sand, feeling burning skin, blinded by the sun, and smelling salt water which i firmly believe is where the idea for smelling salts came from. Don't believe me? Snort some salt water and get back to me.

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