June 3, 2012

That's Miss Bitch to YOU


I should probably be heading off to the moon lodge, because I’m a bitch with a capital B right now.  I said tonight, “My patience is very thin.” And big darling smiled and said, “Your patience is zero.”  Well said, little grasshopper. 

I did raise a little hell last night, because I’m sick of them not eating what I cook.  Some of these little bastards are now trying to say they won’t eat spaghetti and meatballs.  The hell you won’t!  When I declare bedtime, they are suddenly all starving and all kinds of ridiculousness ensues.  The familiar and annoying snack shenanigans went on again last night, only when one of them poured their cereal and milk, they spilled it and the bowl went flying across the kitchen, splattering every surface from here to kingdom come.  So I acted like an asshole, and I gritted my teeth and picked up the spidey bowl and smashed it into a million pieces on the side of the counter.  Out of control.  Seething.  Just done.  Done for the day.  I was immediately sorry.  So sorry.  They all started to cry, and I felt horrible.  I thought I would narrowly escape any weirdness on our anniversary, but it didn’t happen.  As if on cue, I just lost it.  I hugged and kissed and cuddled up with them, and cried.  Told them I made a bad mistake for getting too mad and losing my temper. 

The unconditional love from these tots is everything in the world to me.  Little darling has been saying lately that he ‘loves his new mommy.’  I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I swear I do feel like a new mommy.  Because although I lost it last night, day in and day out I have had more patience with them than ever before.  There is just so much love in this house.  I love these darlings in a way that almost physically hurts me.  Without having Dave and his mountains of bullshit here, my sole focus has been on us.  And it’s been so good for us.  My relationship with each one of them has blossomed.  I had no idea the love, the happiness, and the beauty of it all could be more intense.  But it is.  I’m still blown away by the realization that Dave’s bullshit was having such a negative impact on me.  I swear I may stay single the rest of my life for that reason alone.  I control the environment.  No one else can fuck me up with their bullshit.  Cynicism or reality?  I’m not sure.  I hate when I get tired and annoyed like I am now, but I know I can’t be perfect and ‘full on’ all the time.  No one can.  I do my best.  Sometimes I think no matter what I do, they will all be in therapy 20 years from now blaming their shit lives on their piece of shit father and their whacked out mom.  My therapist once told me that it doesn’t really matter what you do, your kids will blame it all on you one day, good, bad or indifferent.  Good to know.  Takes some of the pressure off.

We spent the day at the amusement park today on account of me being such a shit bag.  That spidey bowl ended up costing me quite a few ducks.  I was tempted to stay here and clean up because my house was disgusting, but I looked at the dirty dishes and just said screw it.  They’ll be here when we get back.  And they were.

12 comments:

  1. You are amazing. I've been thinking about you, wondering how you'd be doing on your "anniversary." I'm glad it ended well for all of you, that's the most important thing. <3

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  2. My sentiments exactly about being alone and controlling what goes on in our environment and losing my temper too. I thought my darling was the only one who did the 9 pm I'm starving thing and what you cooked was gross so I'm hungry! Yup, in hindsight you look and realize the guy sucked the life right out of your brains and you didn't realize til it was over. Me too. How many of us live the same life?

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    1. Me too. Down to a tee... Sigh

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    2. Yes, I lived with an alcoholic for 10 years and the past year that we have been seperated has felt like getting out of prison. I didn't know freedom could taste this good. Never will I live that kind of life... no man will ever take my serenity again.

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  3. Although I'm not dealing with anywhere near the emotional fall out and grief that you and your kids are, I feel like I can totally relate. I'm single w/ 2...but we live with my dad, and he it totally our black cloud on many days. Not that he's really that bad...he's just grumpy and stuck in his ways. Just know that when they're all grown up, they're gonna know you're the one that stuck around to love them and give them the best life you could and sure they'll have they're own issues...but they'll love you and respect you and appreciate everything you've done for them.

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  4. I know what you are saying that you just lose your shit! I was a single mother for many years, when I started feeling myself ready to release the Fuck stick I would say to my girls, Mom is putting herself in time out! Please leave this room for 10 minutes and let me be. It worked for me....I send many blessings to you and your family!

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  5. Someone once told me - the only thing worse than being alone, is WISHING that you were. I know how it feels living under that black cloud. You don't even know how heavy it was until it's gone. Congrats on making it thru this hurdle.

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    1. I, too, wished I was alone for far too long, and after achieving this saving grace for 4 years, I am ready to share my life again with a grown up. Here's to getting to the other side. It does happen, and I was the last one to think it ever would. So grateful that a wonderful (sorry, there may only be one) guy found me.

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  6. This is my favorite post of yours YET. Every one of us loses our temper innapropriately at one time or another. It's okay for our kids to know we're human. You'll help a lot of moms with this post.

    BTW - If my kids don't like what I cook, I pull a Kate Gosselin's on their asses: "The next meal is breakfast."

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  7. You are so inspiring. That may sound crazy considering what the post is about,losing patience and flippin out. But I look forward to reading your blogs and you make me feel what you are going through. Love it, Keep it up! We are all on your side! =)

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  8. Not sure if you know this already, but you rock! I just began reading your blog and you are inspiring me to be true to myself and to put a muzzle on it a little less. Thanks for that!

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  9. Hi there! I stumbled across your blog today (I really should be working... but you are so compelling!)

    I just wanted to say that what you share with us here is glorious: it's sad, it's angry, it's compassionate, it's funny... Thankyou.

    And I think you losing your temper, and then apologising to your kids: that is a wonderful lesson for them! That of course people lose their shit - we are all human - but you can (and should) make amends.

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