July 5, 2012

D-Day


I couldn’t do it.  I can’t post the note.  I wrote it and timed it to post at 5:08, and then my top advisors told me “no the fuck way.”  Various reasons.  It’s too personal, it’s not right, it’s between us, save it for the book.  I love my friends, I’ve been friends with some of these muthas since the tender age of 5, and I respect that right now I’m not the sanest bitch in the bunch.   When you are outnumbered, you don’t buck the system. 

So I’m sitting in a hotel with a bunch of rednecks popping fireworks.  We swam and went to the beach and hung at the pool all day.  Tonight we go to the circus.  My kids have never been to the circus.   They are oblivious to the day, I presume.  Many of you have texted me, sent me cards and emails and brought us dinner and phoned to send love.  And to you, I say, we are alive because of you.  Because there was a time, a year ago today, when my plan was to park my SUV in my neighbor’s tiny garage while they were on vacation, and I was going to put a long ass Disney movie in, some horribleness where the mom or dad always dies, and we were going to just all go to sleep and never wake up.  That was the plan.  But then I googled it and found out cars have catalytic converters on them, and that doesn’t even work anymore.  You can’t commit suicide that way.  You have to do all this crazy shit with a bbq pit inside your house.  I quit reading when I got to that part.  It seemed way too complicated and I knew there was no way to get my big pit up the stairs.  No one would leave us alone for that long anyway. 
And the real truth was, is, that I don’t want to die.  I love life.  I love my kids.  I knew there was no guarantee that we would all die simultaneously.  There is no way in hell I would take the chance that one of us would be left here…and my fleeting moment of life just being too unbearable to live drifted away into the universe.  It was at that moment that I realized how painfully and dreadfully and horribly sick Dave was, too.  Because in the single most awful moment in my life, in a moment that I had every right to wish death upon all of us, I still couldn’t do it.  Still couldn’t fathom it.  Still knew deep down I would never, could never, go there.  People don’t do this unless they are way the fuck sick.  Sicker than any of us alive can ever imagine. 
I remember every moment of this day, and I feel at moments like it’s happening all over again.  This is when we got dressed for eye doctor.  This is when we left.  I didn’t kiss him goodbye.  I was angry.  We texted from the office.  Then he stopped texting.  We got the call, we couldn’t get out…whatever.  I’m trying hard to live THIS DAY.  I’ve looked into the eyes of the most beautiful and precious and wondrous kids I’ve ever known all day.  I’ve stared deep into their souls.  In my heart, I know we are happy.  We laugh, we dance, we sing.  We act crazy silly.  We shake our booties and convulse like crazy people and throw our heads back and giggle until we choke.  We didn’t do that when Dave was here.  And I didn’t even realize it. 
Would I trade it, to have him back?  The truth is, I don't know.  Because I choose happiness and because what I know is that you can’t change a person.  We all are who we are.  And I’m one badass mutha, ya hurd me?  I am bound and determined to make this the day that I spring forward once again.  The day that brings more closure.  The day that brings more peace.  The dreaded anniversary that is spun into goodness, spun into healing magnified by a trillion.  The day that puts just more than 365 days between D-Day and THIS DAY.  I look at the healing that has occurred.  I’m blown away by the progress.  I think back to the early days, and I’m blown away by my community.  By the muthas, the big daddies, the teachers, the principals, the Men’s Club members, the Mom’s Club members, and just some of the people I barely knew at the time…the people who made a tight circle around us and said, “These people are ours.  We got this.”  And they did.  They do.  We made it.  We made it because of them.  And mostly, because of you.  Because I had no clue people would read this.  I thought I was just a girl who wrote shit in a journal.  Don’t all girls do that? 
In five months, hundreds of thousands of people have read my words.  And have been touched by them.  Healed by them.  Affected by them.  I’m blown away that my status as a shit magnet has pushed the human race forward, if only just a tiny fragment.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.  Thank you for reading, for connecting, for loving, for caring, for praying and for allowing it to affect you positively in some way.  It takes a village, they say.  I needed a real big one.  I somehow managed to create an even bigger one in the virtual world.  People send me messages from Zimbabwe and Egypt and Australia and crazy corners of the world that I never even think about.  We all want the same thing.  Goodness.  Peace.  Love.  Friendship.  God Bless you all and thank you a million times over for participating in this journey with me.  I couldn’t have done it this well without you.

32 comments:

  1. I just instantly became an addict to your blog <3 believe you will be in my thoughts and prayers every day from here on out <3 And even though I have no idea where you are...I want to be there for you, as I'm sure every mom who reads this feels...so know that your community is enormous...nationwide...maybe worldwide...you make the world a better place. Thank you for opening the window into your heart...

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  2. Thank you for sharing... especially the quote.

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  3. Thank YOU for being YOU. I applaud you a million times for the courage, strength and determination that you have had to get you through this horrible year. It's because of you that I look at life in a more meaningful way. It's because of you that I try not to miss a singing bird or a ray of sunshine. It is, because of you and Dave that I know to embrace the life I have and to truly understand that I do affect others and I do have a purpose. It's a shame that Dave realized this too late, but his legacy and your purpose are positively affecting the greater good of all of us. Xoxo

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  4. I was dreading 5:08 for you all day!! I haven't read the letter and part of me just doesn't want to part of me is curious and does. I even took a bath to relax then I came on here and was hoping it wouldn't be here and it isn't!! THAT was a good choice. You have made great progress, you have found a positive spin on such tragedy and you have found YOU. YOU have changed lives!!! Love yuh girl!!! Hope I didn't keep you up all night texting the other night!!

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  5. Much love and happiness to you, the boys and your step-daughter. There won't be anymore first anniversaries after this and I hope this gives you some peace and you can breathe easier this next year.

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  6. The fact that you can stay so strong and put so much emotion into your writing amazes me! I was actually glad when I read that you decided not to put that up. I believe that is something more private. I have said this before and will say it again ad again and again. You are a badasss! Straight up badass muthafukkka!! :-)

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  7. Kristina BandsmaJuly 5, 2012 at 6:18 PM

    You made it this far...it's all downhill from here! You got this bitch by the horns and I know you'll fight for what you and your boys need!!

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  8. proud of you. happy for you. laughing and crying with you. You were in my thoughts All. Flipping. Day. And I'm glad you didn't post the letter.

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  9. You are amazingly strong, and such an inspiration on so many levels. You make all of us muthas all over the world want to be better people. Thank you for sharing and baring your soul to us in this great bag of mixed nuts that we are. :) I believe you hit the nail on the head when you said you were able to push the human race forward even if just a tiny bit. You did, by making it just a little more, well, human.

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  10. Sending you prayers and hugs and the hope that each time this date rolls around you will feel stronger and hurt just a little less. It has for me only it was my sister- three years ago. Even my mother has healed so much and I never thought that possible. You are right about the sickness part and people wouldn't judge someone with cancer the way they do people with mental illness. As if they want to be that way as if they have any control over their impaired brains and screwed up thought processes right?

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  11. I think you made the right choice. You're a brave woman. I am so glad you are seeing progress! Sending prayers!

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  12. I'm sorry it has been such a shit year for you. But, I'm glad you made it. Keep enjoying the small victories.
    -Valerie

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  13. It gets better! Sending hugs to you and your children...

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  14. Listen...here's the thing...it doesn't make Dave any less dead if you share that note or not...but I'm so glad you didn't. For the past year Dave has dominated you and all that you have done. He's in every corner and whispering guilt and blame and shame and such bullshit. You are incredible...and strong and such a wonderful mother to those boys. Please remember that above all else. You have dreaded this day...but look at you still breathing and still fighting and still HERE...see Sweetie...that's the difference between you and Dave. We can call him sick. We can call him all the labels that society places on people with addiction...but (and you know my story) I PROMISE you this...you are going to look at life with eyes wide open now...and you are going to see how you walked on eggshells and did whatever it took to keep the monster at bay. You don't deserve Dave's weaknesses and he had no right to leave you with such a huge bag of shit. NO RIGHT. Remember that. You are better than that. I am so proud to read your blog...I feel like your big sister. You instill faith and hope and strength to so many...don't ever stop. And yea, today has been a bitch...but the sun comes up again tomorrow and the next day and the next day. So keep you eyes open wide...ya hurd me?

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  15. I was actually anticipating it, but yeah i have to agree that note was too personal for blogspot consumption.
    I discovered your blog yesterday because it was in the no1 slot. and i read from the beginning to the July 3 entry. Needless to say, your blog is compelling.
    I have wanted my life to be better, but after reading your blog, i realized how lucky i am. so, thank u for sharing because it made me see my world in a different view. I look at the mundane and I am thankful that these ordinary things are happening in my house. May God bless you and your family with strength as your begin another chapter of your healing.

    hugs from the land of smiles, Thailand!

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  16. Your words matter more than you know. Thanks for sticking around and sharing all of it. Love and light from Utah..ps. If you lived closer, I'd make you one hell-of-a hard lemonade...

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  17. I absolutely love you! Never met you or those wonderful boys but your words make me want to be a better person. Live each day to the fullest, hug and kiss those I love and who love me all that shit!!

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  18. Lots of {hugs} to you and yours. I don't know what else to say except that I'm thinking of you. Best, JD

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  19. I am grateful you share, that you are alive to share. Thank you.

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  20. Beautiful, and best of all ringing with Truth :)

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  21. You're awesome. This post about made me cry too, so you suck a bit too. ;) Just had a friend's husband kill himself and his daughter found him, so I suggested that she check your blog out and see what a difference a year makes.

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  22. I am doing a little virtual dance, but shedding real tears after reading this. I am so happy for you at the moment. @sally is spot on (a few comments up).

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  23. I definitely agree with your decision, not that you need my approval, badass. I don't have a letter, just some cryptic words that still don't make any sense before I heard the drawer open and the gun go off. I share some of those words with people, if only because I'm just not smart enough to make any sense of them, but some I've never told anyone and never will because they're mine or because they might make people look down on him or whatever. I just don't. I think I would have read your note if you had posted it, if only in the hopes for some clarity into a similar mind set but it's yours, you get to say who uses it and how which I think is important. Yay for friends keeping you from doing crazy things!

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  24. Paragraph 5 - choosing happy. Perfect. This is my wish for you. Every time I read your witty dialogue from the confines of your mind, I can relate on many levels, and my wish for you is always the same...we can't change what is, what hurts our souls, what diminishes our light, but we can choose happy. God Bless you and your babies. Much, much love! <3 Keep choosing happy!

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  25. Paragraph 5...choosing happy. Perfect. This has been my wish for you since I began reading what comes to us from the confines of your soul. We cannot choose that which interferes with our spirit, those trials in life that compromise our fate, that in which makes us question our faith, but what we can choose is our attitude to what we will bring to the day - we can choose happy. You deserve it. Your babies deserve it. Much love to you <3 Keep Choosing Happy

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  26. Miss Terry. My step son hung himself two months ago. The day before. Mother's. Day. He lived but put all of us thru hell. I prayed to the angles not to tame him. He lived. Two weeks later I found your blog. Thank you for your honest and your humor. I pray for your family everyday

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  27. I spent all night reading your entire blog. You are so awesomely human. What a rare experience to find someone willing to share their most painful insights. I spent all day telling my husband about your family and most importantly you. I am deeply touched by your stories and am in awe of the woman that you are. I hope you feel empowered and strong because of your unfortunate experiences. I would have, without question, fell apart at the cost of my family. Thank you for giving me such a clear new view on life. I am beyond grateful you and your family made it through this year.

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  28. Each time I read a posting of your's that I missed I find new understanding for myself. I didn't have a circling of the wagons, or protection from the idiots, those people were in as much pain as I. And while there is/was a note found on his computer, it was decided that it would hurt me more than help me, so it wasn't given over. I applaud your folks for discouraging the posting of the note, but not for most of the reasons in the above comments, but for a completely different reason. That note was your last bit of "communication" with Dave, and as selfish as it may seem to others, you may keep it for you (& your boys, if you choose) it may eventually bring you peace rather than pain. But it is yours for now, & should be until YOU decide differently. I was so unable to function that I allowed my mother to take my son in, & then had to fight like hell to get him back home, so you will have my admiration always for your strength, & courage. Keep getting it, because you are an incredible person :)

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  29. wow... I'm really inspired from you. :)

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