July 20, 2012
I'm sick of being harassed by Rosetta Stone
I’m only posting this so that you all will not think I’m currently institutionalized for running down the street barefoot while screaming obscenities and ripping off my clothes. Things are just quiet. The boredom is plucking away at me like a mad hen. I’m really ready for a change. Ready for school, another season, a change of pace. I get insanely bored, easily. I’m in need of an attitude adjustment.
Also, I just need a quick moment to make this public service announcement:
Listen, Rosetta Stone people, stop trying to scare me. I get all nervous every time I hear your commercial, where you admonish me sternly by asking, “Will buying another pair of shoes make you happy?” I immediately get all panicky, because the answer is yes, even though I haven’t bought shoes since the beginning of summer. I suddenly feel guilty for even buying them at all. I don’t need some facking commercial on the radio trying to say I selfishly buy things for myself. I quickly make a list of what I’ve recently purchased. Did I need it? Of course, anything for myself surely didn’t come from Walmart or a discount store. Nor did I use a coupon, because I religiously lose coupons or stuff them in my wallet and never, ever, not once, remember to use them. I don’t care if it’s a 99% off coupon. I will not remember to use it. I’m just real blonde like that.
Let me go ahead and make the disclaimer right here and now too, before some person I would never tolerate in real life scrolls down to the comment section to insinuate that I’m some rich bitch who buys shoes and handbags and jeans and tops and makeup and….I’m sorry, where was I? Oh right, I was buying things. Hmm…I might stop writing this right now and go buy shit. New stuff is on the list of things that help slay ninjas. The baby is napping but there is always great stuff to buy online. Those stores are always open. I mean, no, I don’t have this endless supply of money. Truthfully I should never buy another thing being in my current situation. But somehow, I will figure out how to make it all happen. That’s why I’m a shit magnet. ‘Cause I’m always spinning shit. Even money. Shit is messy. Anyway, seriously, where was I again?
I was going to say something about losing my mojo and being bored to death. Then I was going to say that I deserve to buy whatever I want, whenever I want, for the rest of my life. After surviving this life thus far, I deserve it all. Right now. All I can say is, damn lucky I never have the time to shop, not even online. These kids are always keeping me out of trouble like that. Plus, honestly, I’m extremely practical. I’m not an over the top shopper, but I don’t go without.
Anyway, back to Rosetta Stone, finally. They get me all panicky, and then it turns out they’re really not fussing at me for buying shoes, they are saying it would be more exciting to learn a foreign language. I’m not sure if the commercial is supposed to be a joke, or what? Do they really think learning a foreign language is something fun, like buying, and then especially wearing the shoes? I mean, I guess here in Mayberry, there aren’t a whole lot of ethnic groups that I overly need to communicate with in another language. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be able to do just that. But…alas…I became schooled in other subjects, mostly hard knocks and mostly in the English language only. Maybe one day….until then…shoes.
In my current state of boredom, I’m trying to decide if I should become obsessed with yoga or pilates. I feel I should have some sort of helpful obsession already in the pipeline when my kids go back to school. Anything to keep me from looking for a job, right? I’m going to require some serious distraction and I realize I will spend the first two weeks walking around here in a catatonic state with a blank stare on my face, being somewhat confused as to what I actually should be doing, since I will have a break every day from wiping asses, wiping up spills, and wiping sticky counters.
This ecard has nothing to do with anything I just said...but it's insanely funny to me.
My favorite shoes, or counting to ten in Spanish? I will punch you if you say Spanish.
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