July 3, 2012

The Noose Gets Tighter

Today marks day three that I have gone to bed with a pms headache and woken up with the same dreaded headache.  I take two advil, drink a cup of strong coffee and stick my head under the hot shower for about 10 minutes, twice a day.   I get out and rub lovely Chinese oil all over my neck and I get relief for a while.  At night, I can’t do the caffeine, so I just suffer silently.  I go to bed with my head smashed between two ice packs and try to block out light and sound, and I know I’m going to wake up with the same headache.  I can’t get to the coffee pot fast enough in the morning.  My head throbs with each step.  My kids are loud assholes and they simply don’t understand I just want to cry and curl up and pray for it to stop.

Besides the regular anxiety from D-day strangling me like a tight noose, I learned that some jackwad charged $361 to my debit card, from Match.com, Teleflora flowers, and several packages at USPS.com.  Dear Sir, I hope the chick you picked up at Match.com then sent flowers and gifts to ends your date with her prison shank shoved deep up your ass. 
Because that was only mildly annoying, we then woke up to find that a stolen Penske moving van has been abandoned in the street in the front of my house.  So now the anxiety of the armed robbery and kidnapping is front and center too.  I imagine that gangsta ass robbing thieves were standing on the curb in front of my house again while they dumped the vehicle.  Really motherfuckers?  I don’t need this shit right now.  I’m suddenly back to being on full alert.  I imagine myself blowing some fucking heads off people if they dare put a pinky toe near my home.  Why yes, I’m a bit psycho like that.  I strongly suggest waiting to fuck with me until we at least flip the calendar.

I got a text last night at 10:30 from one of my favorite muthas.  I told her all of the above and ten minutes later she was at my door with hot compresses and medicine. 

“What are you taking for stress?”

“Nothing,” I say. 

“What is wrong with you?  Why are you trying to be a fucking superhero?” 

“I don’t know,” I mumble, “I guess I thought I’ve been ok lately.” 

“Well, you are not ok now.  You’re talking crazy shit.  Open your mouth, take this.”

“Why is it white?  Mine are yellow.”  I notice it is 2mg, I usually take .5.  “This is too much,” I say.

“What?  Too much?  Is that why I’ve been running into cars lately?”  We laugh hysterically and I’m struck by the awesomeness in the room.  This mutha, she is close to being in my shoes.  Her Dave is still alive.  Hanging on by a thread.  Every 3 months, he almost dies from drink.  How did these two strong, beautiful, smart, hilarious ninja chicks marry men that will literally die from addiction?  I still pray there is hope for him.  But the path of his destruction is severe.

As the mutha was leaving last night, we suddenly see a man walking on the sidewalk, near the abandoned truck.  On high alert, we both start babbling, “Who is this fucking weirdo?” and “What kind of fuckery is this?”

“Excuse me,” she calls out.  He keeps walking, faster.  “Did you just come from that vehicle?” I call out.  He finally answers, embarrassed, “I’m just walking home.”  We crack up laughing as he walks into my neighbor’s house.  I think he’s the son in law.  Whoops.  Can’t be too cautious.  Especially with these muthas here.  She once called 911 on someone shortly after Katrina because they were walking down the street with a pillow.  "What's he doing?" the operator asked.  "He's walking with a pillow! He's probably going to go and try and sleep somewhere!" she screams. 

The only thing I’m posting on the 5th is the suicide note.  I’m setting it now to be automatically posted at 5:08 p.m.  So if that’s going to freak you out, don’t read it. 


  1. You are having hormone induced migrains...take my word for it !!

  2. If no prison shank from his date, then at least a raging case of herpes. Theives fucking suck.

  3. Is it weird that I just want to come over there with a tub of ice cream and get out two spoons so we can eat ice cream and let our kids play together and just talk the fuck outta our problems? And, you know this already, but your mutha friend is right. Stop being a super hero, you've already reached that status in my book by just being sane enough to type and make sense still (no matter if you're drooling on the keyboard from the meds you got shoved down your throat). <3

  4. I *almost* hope someone *does* fuck with you, GOD FORBID you get hurt or anything, just sayin' - so that you can experience the catharsis of releasing all your pent-up rage on someone who had it coming anyway.

    I'm glad you had a good motha to step in and take charge of shit.

    Will keep her hubby in my prayers.

  5. I want to grab you and hug you till your eyeballs bulge. Breathe

  6. I want to grab you and hug you til your eyes bulge out a little. Breathe

  7. This is probably something you've already considered (or done) but do you think an alarm system would set your mind at ease a little bit? Just an idea. Sounds like a lot of great people have your back--the muthas rock--I'm pulling for you too!

  8. I'm so glad the Lord blessed you with such great friends and smart ones at that. I'm sure your friend is right about the headaches having to do with stress and all the mix of strong emotions. I hope you feel the presence and comfort of the Lord embracing you and your boys during this differcult time. I hope the love of your friends and family shine brightly through the pain, if that makes sense. I know there is and will be pain no matter how much we wish we could wish it away, so I am hoping the feelings of love surrounding you all are much great than the pain at this time.

  9. WOW, I don't know how you take it, I am on the edge and nothing like that is happening to me. I have a crazy ex to be but he is locked up at nights... Don't ask how I ended up with that... I'm a nice girl from the right side of the track... I just attract some of the worst men ever. You need some changes, I feel so bad for you:(.

  10. What kind of cosmic energy comes from your address at this time of year, madwoman?? FREAKY! It is hormone town over here!!!!

  11. I so appreciate your honesty! I pray for you and your family! My husband gets those same headaches. He has PTSD and they are so bad that he will throw up. I feel so terrible for him. He went to the doc and got some prescription strength pain killer. He doesn't take them often, just when its too severe to go to work or function.
    Have you thought about getting a dog to help you feel safer? We recently bought a rottweiler and LOVE him. They are so loyal and will protect your family with their life. Anyone hears a bark like theirs coming from your house and they won't enter!! :) :) Makes me feel safe when husband is working late nights.

  12. Oh, honey, you're having migraines. You need some good meds, like Imitrex or Fioricet. I take Fioricet now and it's a godsend.

    And I second the alarm system.


  13. It does sound like migraines. I used to have headaches everyday for months and then raging ones where I would take sleeping pills just to escape from the pain. Of course you can't do that will children :( I really started getting into natural/organic living with my second pregnancy and my midwife suggested I eat more protein more often, take B Complex vitamins and see a cranial sacral therapist (works on the brain fluid rythym flow). I tried all the meds mentioned above and more for almost a decade and within weeks my headaches were gone. I have suffered since highschool with constant headaches and OTC stuff never worked. I'm not sure if it was the combination of them or just the vitamins, but I hardly ever have a headache now. I tell people this all the time because you never know. It could simply be a vitamin deficency or a couple sessions with someone like a chiropractor or cranial sacral therapist. BTW, I just found your blog (read the whole thing) and will be sharing it with anyone I can. I love it. I'm a Christian and I don't find it offensive. I've called my little ones a-holes to my husband, but I would light myself on fire for them. As for the cussing, that's what's in your head. Your blog is your thoughts into writing. I think it's petty and legalistic for someone to have a problem with it. God wants us to honor Him in everything we do. You acknowledge Him in so many of your posts and lean on Him when you literally feel like your grief will melt you into a puddle. I appreciate your honesty because I have always been so paranoid with a tragedy happening to me. Life can't be this great forever right? So, I'm drawn to blogs like this so I know that even if the worst imaginable happens to me, others have survived and the darkness they go through is ok. Keep it coming. God loves you and has never left your side.
    PS. About the messy house post. You are totally normal. My 18mo old will fixtate on something for a few weeks and I feel like I'm going out.of.my.mind over picking up the same plates or books or deodorant ten times a day. I totally related to you and I haven't been through something as hearbreaking as you. I effing hate legos. Tiny little pieces. I throw them away. Don't care. But, it made me think that maybe I shouldn't complain as much since you DO have it harder than most. Your blog has an impact in so many different ways.