July 15, 2012

Slaying the Ninja

The bitch is alive, ya hurd? 

I’m emerging from a 10 day funkity funk.  I dare not even think for a tiny millisecond about the anniversary of D-Day next year.  It just hasn’t been pretty.  I could feel the noose tightening as the day approached, I was reflective but largely unscathed on the actual day, and then I cried all the way home from the beach the day after.  I cried everyday, 10 times a day, for 10 days.  Being in a fight with my whole family was uber helpful during this time.  The Sun gods have taunted me mercilessly, as we have had actual black clouds and rain 10 times a day for 10 days as well.  This isn’t Seattle.  That shit ain’t right.  I’ve missed Dave so much.  I begged him to show himself to me.  He obliged in many ways.  I won’t go into it here, except to say thank you.

My funk was so deep, that I did not attend alter ego night on Friday.  Ya hurd me?  I didn’t even go.  My mother in law offered to take all three of my boys for a sleepover, and I suddenly had the realization that I had not been alone in this house for approximately two months.  Two months. No wonder I am mad.

Which brings me to another subject.  I feel I should clarify that Diary of a Madwoman does not mean ‘mad’ as in ‘angry.’  It means ‘mad’ as in a nanosecond away from running down the street, wild-eyed and barefoot, screaming psychobabble in a hysterical voice, while simultaneously ripping my clothes and tearing out my hair.  Just so we’re clear on that.

The person who coined the phrase, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” was, well, I think it was me.  My every other week housekeepers were scheduled for July 4, which means it’s now been almost a month since those dolls have set me straight.  I sat on the patio one night with another mad mutha, and she admitted that with only $500 to her name, she once paid one fifth of her purse to be set straight.  Obviously it’s a religious thing.  We need to be close to God.  I think its called tithing.

I slept for 11 hours last night.  This was imperative and sorely needed, and I don’t think I’ve slept that long in ten years.  During the 10 day funk, my alarm system twice went awry and made beeping noises in the night.  This thrust me into terror mode, and had me twice creeping around the house at ungodly hours with my legs shaking and my heart pounding, convinced I was about to be facing a gangsta with a gun.  I realize this is the gods’ way of ensuring the PTSD doesn’t fade quite so quickly.  Add to this the antics of the grief ninja, who steps out of the darkness at 2 a.m. and reminds you it’s not a nightmare, but in fact your real life, and you’ve got one madwoman on the loose. 

Making lists always helps me to feel more in control.  So here are 10 things, in no specific order, that can help slay a ninja:

1.       A clean house

2.       Big daddies who mow my lawn

3.       Signs from above

4.       Eating delicious stuff I didn't cook

5.       Giggling, happy boys

6.       New stuff

7.       Extremely hot naked men in the love shack (Wait…what?)

8.       Me, alone, in an empty house

9.       Funny muthas

10.   Mad people willing to run down the street with me barefoot and wild-eyed on short notice

I could make this list go to 100 easily, but these were the first 10 that came racing towards me.  Actually, bacon was on the list, and eggs cooked in bacon grease, but I switched them for big daddies because they were just here.  Also, 200 muthas are not to text me in the next hour asking about the hot naked men.  All I said was they could slay a ninja. ;)


  1. Glad to hear from ya mutha. You are exiting and I am entering - welcome to the jungle.

    1. Stick to the list, sista. I recommend starting with the things that were really imaginary on my list. New things and hot naked men. LOL.

    2. Well, I have a funny mutha! Thanks

  2. I needed this. Especially 'the list'. Thank you for always inspiring me. In this case to not lay the day away in my bed. Love to you, Mutha ;)

  3. I have to say, I really enjoy reading your blog. I love your honesty. I love how you write. I feel connected with you and I don't even know you.

    That said, I'm sorry you're going through hell. I love that you made a list. It's a great, productive thing to do when you're feeling less than sane. Go girl!

  4. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I really like that you aren't afraid to really show who you are, even when you are at low points.
    Love the list! :)


  5. Hey Sista~ I would be willing to run down the street with you barefoot and wild-eyed at any time! I'm always only a nanosecond away myself, but I am surviving my Big Giant Batshit Crazy Life the best I can. And you give me strength, thank you for that. You show me that I can survive this too...just keep on hangin on ~ much love

  6. Girl! LIVE by that list!!!!

  7. okay j i love the list and yes i always vote for you and think the cool girl is on to something about you and am soooo greatful you got her message, in a timely fashion! I love ya and wish you would figure out how to get invites to Jolie Pitt nuptials for everyone of us who read and love your blog! let me hear from you girl! As always, Rae D

  8. I haven't run down the street but I've definitely walked fast. :-)

  9. I'd run with you but I'd probably fall face first while clutching my chest due to a fat attack. But it'd be worth it :)

  10. You remind me of Kathy Bates in "Fried Green Tomatoes", kicking ass and takin' names! Hey everyone reading this - why the hell aren't you voting? What kind of F'ery is this?

  11. Anon,

    I voted :). I do so every little ol time I stop by.

    Hey mutha, I got through 1, 2, 4, 6, 8 and 9 - you were frickin right cause that shit was working pretty good. Then I had a minor freakout and the Xanax is helping me now. But it was a start. Thanks chica. I will check in with you later gator.

    Oh yeah, Anon - Towanda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Loving the list!!!! Gave you an award. http://joni-holt.blogspot.com/

  13. I love the list!!! It's great!

  14. I will so help you with #10! And who in the world could ever think Diary of a Madwoman would mean mad as in angry? Insert maniacal laughter......xo

  15. I will totally help you out with #10. And who could ever think madwoman = angrywoman?! Insert maniacal laughter.....xo