July 30, 2012

You're a Mean One....Mr. Grinch


It’s been a Dave kind of day.  The kind that causes a painful lump in my throat.  It causes me to press my lips together, clamp down on my jaw, and just turn my head away from whoever is in the room.  I open my eyes wide, so that more tears can be held within the rims of my eyelids.  I wait for them to evaporate.  Everyone thinks I’m so strong.  I’m not strong.  I’m giving myself TMJ and walking around looking bug-eyed.  Why?  What caused this?  Well….what hasn’t.

The Olympics.

Beach volleyball.

A Chevy commercial, when the little boy sees his dad pulling up and runs out to greet him.

Hanging up a shirt I haven’t worn in a while; “Mommy looks pretty in her new shirt” he’d said.

A birthday party for his niece’s son.  His entire family gathered to celebrate a life. 

The random sound of an ambulance.  Are my kids thinking of it too, I wonder?

Middle darling wants blueberry cobbler.  I made it for Dave in my old cast iron pan constantly before he died.  He was so skinny…I didn’t know why…so I just kept feeding him.

The list goes on and on, everyday.  Every day.  Some days I pretend I have a heart 2 sizes too small, like the Grinch, and I push it away easily.   I remind myself how much I hate him for doing this to us.  Then some days I allow my heart to be real, 2 sizes too big because I’m a woman and a mommy.  I think about how much I loved him, how much he loved me, and how stupid we were for letting this all happen.  The pain is so fresh and so real and so intense, that I decide I should be the tin man, and have no heart at all.  I’ll just be an asshole, I think, with a heart of steel.  Because I don’t want this pain in my life.

The lump in my throat reminds me of when I was six, and I got my tonsils out.  It hurts that badly.  I think about how far we’ve come…and how far we still have to go.  I know I will die with this pain.  It will never go away.  I know it’s probably gone away as much as it ever will.  I was told a few weeks ago to get over it, move on.  Yes, people say this kind of stuff to me, and I don’t kill them.  I know I have moved on, as much as humanly possible.  I know the tin man who says this to me doesn’t really know me at all.  I know that everyday I seek the good, the positive, the happy.  The truth is I’m afraid to become the Grinch or the Tin Man.  If I allow my heart to turn to steel anymore than it already has, the bad will begin to outweigh the good.  I don’t want to lose my compassion, my empathy for others, the love in my heart.  And this is the risk.  This is the risk of turning your heart to steel.  I try to imagine, instead, how sorry he is.  How much he would take it back if he could.  But it’s meaningless, because he can’t.  This is what we have.  Me, here, with our kids.  And him, somewhere else.  I guess. When we left the party yesterday, the Pink Floyd song that haunts me was playing.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue sky's from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
And how we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.



 

18 comments:

  1. gurl. i had that kind of day yesterday as well. long story, but just bawled my eyeballs till they stopped while ironing and watching tv, people brought up events, tagged photos I wasn't ready for, and for seemingly all the same reasons as you. Thanks for putting it into words, and I too, can no longer listen to that song without sobbing.

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  2. I had a similar thought the other day and imagined myself as a Steel Magnolia all day; can't hurt me, can't touch me, can't catch me. But you're right to fear losing the compassion if you harden your heart too much. Let the pain flow. It DOES get easier. It DOESN'T ever go away. Repeat after me: "God grant me the serenity TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This is my mantra. Especially the CAPS part :) I can't change it. Ever. You can't change it. Ever. Learning to live with it is all you can do, and it's the BEST thing you can do. You are teaching your kids every day that life goes on (no matter how unfair that may seem), and that they are strong enough to do just that -- go on -- because their mom does it every day. Acceptance of what you can't change brings peace like nothing else can. I hope and pray you find that acceptance and let it rest in you. (((hugs)))

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  3. I always think you write so beautifully. I appreciate to such a great extent that you do this. Our situations are not the same - not remotely the same, but your words help. They are like a soothing balm. Thank you.

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  4. this is so eloquent, and I imagine you will never "get over it", or move on.You are just moving forward the best you can. I have no idea what your days and nights are like, but you are a great mom doing everything you can for your fammily.

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  5. Prayers for you, because I don't have anything to say that would be the right thing to say. Just now your family is in my thoughts.

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  6. This song also resonates with me as well. First, because Floyd has always been 'my' band for as long as I can remember. But, I too, also think of my brother when I hear this song, as well as a few others (The Goo Goo Dolls-"Name", tears me up). You see, my brother also took his life. 17 years ago. 28 years old. I am slowly trying to overcome the feelings of guilt. I feel, THIS type of pain.....I will explain the 'voices in my head' the night before it happened later because as I have stated before on your FB page,(my name is Pam Bee), I have written to you on your blog, apparently it was a short story that 'they' thought was a novel because there were to many 'characters' and when I tried to remedy the situation it went into cyber-space and it was lost.

    Just know, with time it does get better. But there will ALWAYS be memories.....

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  7. You don't know me, but Iove your blog.
    This won't help, but I have to tell you. My best friend/first real love committed suicide when he was 18. And, when I am thinking of him a lot that same damn pink Floyd song comes on and knocks me to the ground. I grew up with that amazing kid and it's been almost 11 years since he left. I think about him more than I would like to admit especially this time of year. I don't know your exact pain, I wasn't married to or have kids with him. But, him and his family have always been a huge part of my life. It's hard, does it get easier, yes, but the hurt is always there. Stay strong for those babies! Pick yourself up and take on the next day like a badass mutha! Love from the midwest

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  8. I must say, I love your blog. It's been 15 years since my first husband committed suicide. We were 20, had an 18 month old and had been together a little over 3 years. So not near as much history as you have...but I still think of him very regularly. Though I remarried, my current husband adopted my first daughter,I have added two more daughters to my family and we are a big happy bunch...I still have dreams of him. There will just always be a big gaping whole in my life where his life was supposed to be. I guess it gets better in the fact that you are eventually able to live life again, but there is just something about the suicide of a spouse that lasts a lifetime. May you and your children find peace and life.

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  9. Hi... you don't know me either, but I read your blog, and your strength amazes me. You may not feel it when you're having one of these days, but the fact that you can sit and write about this, the fact that you can blog and share with us in the bloggosphere... well... I feel your strength even though you might not today. Thanks for sharing. And the people that tell you to get over it- they should be punched in the crotch....

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  10. O. M. G.
    So, I see a pic posted on facebook today and it was from here. The one about crying and being allergic to emotions....I never click the links from where the pics come from...but, today I did.

    Diary of a mad woman, I first assumed as getting on your page it was about divorce, so I thought I would start reading a bit...and then I immediately realized I was wrong. I have started reading....and I intend to do so through my evening.

    You're an excellent writer...and damn, do you have material.

    I am so sorry about your husband...and you're past year.

    I work in mental health...and wondering where I plan to refer your page when appropriate...

    I agree with sallygrrl's post...they should be punched in the crotch...

    Thank you for sharing...give your kids an extra hug for all of the people out here that are feeling for them through your posts...and I hope you find that peace...

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  11. I found your blog while searching and trying to decide if I should start my own blog. Honestly, I don't know if I can compete with the likes of you! You're pretty good at it.
    That same song buzzes in my head and makes my skin feel like it's melting when I hear it playing. For my Uncle, though. He's been gone for years and I can still hear my mother's words echo in my head telling me what he'd done.
    It's good to know that on late nights like this when I have never felt so alone in my entire life that there are people out there who maybe feel the same way and are not afraid to express it. I may not start a blog but I can tell you two things: 1) I will keep reading yours and 2) you made me feel less alone.... and I am in a HOUSE FULL of people. :/

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  12. i found your blog from top mommy blogs. not only your title, but your description caught my eye and i couldnt help myself but to check out your blog. how does someone blog about surviving through suicide??? right away, i decided that you're an amazing woman! i woke up early to read a book i recently got engrossed with and when i put that book down, i found your blog and read this post. i thought of this statement that i just read this morning and i personally think that me finding your blog this morning, this day was a sign.

    "Therefore, you can trust that He has planted you right now in the place where you will be the most productive. Even if you may not be inherently pleased with the person He's made you to be, even if you may not be abundantly happy with the circumstances you're currently living, you can be sure that God has planted you here with design and intention." (The Resolution for Women, Priscilla Shirer)

    i dont know if that helps or hurts you. i dont know you from adam, but my heart goes out to you, from one mom to another, and i felt so compelled to tell you what i just read this morning. i'll be praying for you! you are an amazing woman and because you're a woman (a strong woman, and a mom!), you will get through your struggles everyday!

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  13. Ugh. I'm so sorry. Take your time
    Relax. Feel what your going to feel. It's normal. It's ok. Take your time.

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  14. Dear Mad Woman....
    I thought of you this past week end. It was soo very strange how you popped up in my thinking. I was camping with my husband and friends. The day started the normal way...two cups of coffee, breakfast and let's start off with bloody marys. We drank people watched all day, laughed until we cried. But it was what happened after we said good night to our friends. You see the campground was having there annual mid season party. Trust me when I say I was way ready to go to bed, but he suggested to go down to the party. So when in Rome.
    We made our way down and found a spot to sit. This is where I thought of you. Did I tell you I love to people watch? I was looking around and I saw a mutha in an embrace with her daughter, you could tell she was loving every moment of this special embrace, then out of the blue her son comes up and without a moment she pulls him into her and what a beautiful site. This is when I thought of you. How you comfort your children and love them. I smiled and looked up and thanked you. And then I walked over to the woman, and thanked her for sharing that moment. She was shocked and surprised that I notice, and said to me my daughter never lets me comfort her like that anymore. And then she thanked me. I love your blog and as always thank you for sharing your pain heartache.
    Your friends are very lucky to have such an amazing woman in their lives.

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  15. I am so sorry for your pain....it makes me cry and I don't even know you. I wish that I could be the kind of friend that people are supposed to be to you. I am not insane. I know this is not going to happen..but I feel your vibe so strongly that I wish I could come over and help you. I wish I could make you laugh when you need it, wash the dishes when you don't feel like it, fold a load of clothes just to help, take the kids to the park just to give you a moment you may need without chaos....I wish that I could do SOMETHING to lighten your load...in spite of the load I carry in life. You are a tower of strength and inspiration to so many people....I wish peace for you...

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  16. I just randomly came across your blog. Can't imagine how hard it must be. I wish I could carry your pain for awhile so it wouldn't hurt so bad.

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  17. wow. I just found your blog from top mommy blogs. What an incredible woman you are. I just wanted to let you know that there are some of us out here who feel your pain and are sending you hugs.

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  18. Very strong stuff. Those overwhelming things in life can do just that to you - glad you are standing strong.

    And yeah, I think we all have something/someone that Wish You Were Here brings right to the forefront of our mind. Music is powerful like that.

    Glad you know you are not alone. None of us are! Community can save us

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