August 8, 2012

Choosing the Truth


I’m seriously ready for school and my boys are excited too.  I haven’t a clue what the heck I’m going to do to keep busy while I pretend to look for a job, but I’m good at making lists, even though I never scratch a fucking thing off of them.  I mean seriously, how many years can “do taxes” be on your list.  I need to quit being a loser.  I will crank the music up so loud and eat twix for lunch.  I will take hour long baths without getting out soaking wet to wipe someone’s ass.  I will float in the pool and go to the store by myself.  I will just be in amazement at the silence for a full two weeks.   I think during the entire summer I was home alone 2 times by myself.  Two facking times.  Does anyone even get how insane that is?

I would love to paint everything.  I hate painting and have to try very hard to be good at it because I’m impatient and messy.  But I shouldn’t be paying people to do something I can do.  I would love a pretty yellow to brighten up my kitchen.  I saw a pretty comforter in the mall the other day….maybe I should get some new bedding.  It would be sheets and comforters that Dave never slept on.  Not sure how I feel about that, except right now I feel insanely bored with everything and need to shake it up hard.  Plus one day I might invite someone to the love shack and it’ll be all weird and ruined if it’s on these same sheets.

One of Dave’s friends emailed me today and mentioned how he wants to talk to the boys about Dave, telling them all the things he loved about their dad.  Instead of getting a warm and fuzzy feeling over this, all I could think is that it’s not especially helpful to hear about how great Dave used to be.  What good does that do us now?  All my kids know is the Dave we had since they were born, and in the end the memories just seem worse and worse.  I turn into more and more of an asshole.  I hate him more and more.  I can’t help it.  The shit is unforgivable.  Maybe I’m just not that great of a person.  I’m not Jesus.  I’m doing the best I can.  If you are coherent enough to write a suicide note, then you are alert and present enough to know you are about to do the unthinkable.  This asshole knew what he was doing.  He chose not to care about us.  We’d all like to think he was out of his mind.  He wasn’t.  Just like the freaky, piece of shit Colorado batman killer wasn’t out of his mind either.  He knew what the fuck he was doing.  He chose to kill people, just like Dave chose to kill himself.  Honestly, I wish he would fade into a memory so fuzzy that I can’t even remember why I’m crying.  Hardass?  I guess so.  It’s the best coping mechanism I have right now.  I’m raising three boys without a daddy.  What is unfathomable to so many people is my real life.  I don’t talk about him that much to them.  It makes us all miserable and what is the point?  He’s dead.  I’m not about to glorify him in death, undeservedly.  I find myself emphasizing the drug use a lot…because I want them to know drugs kill you.  Addicts die.  Families are destroyed.  This is what we’ve got.  Right here.  The truth of what I’m saying probably makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  But in the end, it is what it is.  The truth.  He wasn’t this great man for the last many years.  He had the potential for greatness.  He chose to be an addict instead.  He chose it again and again and again, with every pill he took.  And again and again and again with every lie he told.  And again and again and again when he denied it every time I asked him.  His death wasn’t honorable.  Neither was his life.  Am I horrible for seeing it for what it was?
 

67 comments:

  1. I was there with ya until that last pandering paragraph. Yep. Definitely an asshole. A good writer too. Often the two go hand in hand.

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    2. I really liked the last paragraph. Raw, real, and true. It's great you found a way to vent your feelings....you need to have your feelings, even the ugly ones, to get through this for yourself and your family. Bless you and your struggles, I can't even imagine what you and your family have been through and are going through.

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    3. Oh my goodness are you for real? 'The last pandering paragraph'?? wth does that mean? Her blog, her thoughts and feelings are not pandering, not worthless and definitely not worthy of the asshole tag.
      I am gobsmacked at your lack of compassion and rudeness.

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    4. Can't believe someone called you an asshole because you are angry at your drug addict husband who decided to kill himself.

      Thank you for sharing this with us. It is raw, truthful and real. So many people hide the REAL emotions when it comes to this thing. And I love how you don't "pander" to pretending your husband was a fucking saint.

      x

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    5. I wrote a comment and it got deleted because I had not logged in yet. Fuck you Google !!!!!!!!

      I can't remember what I said but it was epic. Something along the lines of, THANK YOU, for being so open and honest. Thank you for not pretending your husband who chose drugs was a fucking saint. Thank you for being so brave. I am sorry some ASSHOLE decided to call you an asshole for this piece of art.

      Regards.

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  2. You are not even close to being an asshole and I commend you for your raw honesty in a time that most people would stop talking about it altogether. Keep writing...keep yelling...we'll keep reading...keep listening.

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  3. Thank you. I needed this today. ::hugs::

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  4. I can relate to the summer of kids up your ass. I'm ready for School to start on Friday. I think I've had the same amount of days alone as you and both times it was for gynocologist appointments. Not really a fun day galavanting around town.
    Obviously I've never been through the trauma that you are surviving, but your anger sounds justified.
    Thanks for writing. Your honesty is certainly refreshing.

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  5. You are not horrible for feeling the way you do. And if your an asshole....then your my favorite asshole on the internet :) Thanks for being so real!

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  6. There is little comfort in the truth, but if it's any form of comfort, take that shit. You have every right to be pissed - as long and as often as you choose. You choose truth. You choose to stick around for your kids. You choose to carry on. Buy the bedding. Paint the walls. Fuck it.

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    1. Yep! Buy the bedding! Paint the walls! But most of all, keep living through your grief. And shouting out about how you feel. And do what it takes to take care of YOU! Weird how strangers are there for us when we need somebody, ANYbody, isn't it? Sometimes it feels like less of a burden to accept kind words from people we don't know than to have to thank the one's we know who are trying to make us "feel better". I found myself feeling bad for their awkwardness and I'd try to comfort THEM, instead. Then I'd go scream and cry, alone and lonely and want to die because "Nobody undertstands!!!" Hard times girl...It sucks. Keep those post's coming <3

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    2. I am with L Train...buy and paint, make it yours. And anger is righteous. Especially yours.
      I have also never been a fan of glorifying the dead....they are still the people we loved and they still have warts.
      Michelle

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  7. I don't know how ANYONE can ever come on here and judge you for all of the shit you and your family have been through. You keep reacting and living and surviving any way you need to. I LOVE your blog.

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  8. I so know what you're saying...it's been 14 years since my husband died...but that sharp pain of him choosing a substance over his family occasionally takes my breath away...I agree with you about not letting him be glorified by his friends...I remember telling my husband's "friends" that when they raised their glass to their friend to remember the faces of his children and how they had robbed them of their father by encouraging his addiction. They didn't care...they just cried about the LDLD. Stay strong and keep on doing what helps you get through the next hour, day or minute...Dave was weak...how fortunate for him that he married a strong woman who can rise above and protect her babies. I am in awe of your insight...and I hurd ya.

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    1. hey Sally, not to be too nosy (but I am) what is LDLD? yeah, my addict chose to die with a suicide as well...took his Dad with him. crazy mutha...but I'm working some kind of 'plan'...not even known by me. Somethin'll happen..don't know what yet. Anyway..drugs and too much alcohol will kill ya. So...LDLD? anyone? mwah girlies.

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  9. Def. NOT an asshole. Trust me. I'm surrounded by them lately. I'm kind of an asshole detecting expert. Your truth is setting SO many free. Thank you for your raw realness. You are my new fav. blog/person/asskicking/nobullshitgoddess.
    Here's to Chardonnay and part time Mommy smokers! All the judgers can just go suck it.

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    1. LOL, This cracks me up, because I think I'm an asshole detecting expert too.

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  10. I admire & so respect you for feeling what you feel, & having the moxy to say it truthfully raw & uncensored. Your an amazing woman & fucking Awesome! Now get painting & ready that "love shack"!

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  11. I find your honesty completely refreshing.

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  12. No, you are not an asshole simply because you are being realistic. While I sympathize for your loss, I think committing suicide is selfish. There are other ways to get rid of an addiction without further dragging your family over hot coals.

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    1. you're absolutely right. suicide is selfish! I've suffered from clinical depression my whole life and even had suicidal thoughts. but, what kept me alive was thinking of all the people I would hurt. I'm married now with a beautiful 6 year old son. no matter how depressed I could get, I would never leave him without a mother or my husband without his much needed wife. there's always help available to those in need. when it gets bad for me, I see a doctor and get meds. in fact, I'm on meds currently. whatever it takes, I will not disappoint the ones I love.

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    2. you're absolutely right. suicide is selfish! I've suffered from clinical depression my whole life and even had suicidal thoughts. but, what kept me alive was thinking of all the people I would hurt. I'm married now with a beautiful 6 year old son. no matter how depressed I could get, I would never leave him without a mother or my husband without his much needed wife. there's always help available to those in need. when it gets bad for me, I see a doctor and get meds. in fact, I'm on meds currently. whatever it takes, I will not disappoint the ones I love.

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  13. I commend you for everything you have done since your nightmare began! Not so sure I would do so good.
    You are far from an asshole because you are real, with real feelings and emotions, assholes on the other hand are just that assholes that shits flows from!
    I always tell my kids if I am EVER left alone in my house, I will prance around naked too...sadly has never happened for me either! So please let us all know if you do!

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  14. I feel the exact same way for my childrens father. It's a very different circumstance but in my instance, my kids need to know that what their dad did is NOT ok and he is not the type of person they should emulate. It's a survival mechanism for me too I'm sure...but I'll be damned if their evil father is glorified! He was sick too, but that's no excuse. You are doing the right thing. Do what YOU know is best for your kids. Love your writing and your book would be a best seller - go for it!

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  15. You are NOT horrible or an asshole. You are a survivor, and so are your kids. You always will be. The truth is the truth, and Dave was the way he was. I'm still so pissed at him for doing this to you all, and I tell him that all the time. I guess that's kind of dumb, but whatever. So, enjoy the alone time when the kids are in school, definitely paint, get the new bedding, and start the book!
    Lurv ya bebe....

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  16. You are not an asshole or a horrible person. You are honest and don't sugar coat things to please other people. You say it like it is, and that is an admirable way to be. You have to do what is best for you and your kids, fuck everyone else.

    You are my hero today, thanks for sharing this.

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  17. I don't think you are an asshole! You have every right to share your feelings. You also have reasons to be angry. I enjoy reading your blog. You are one strong lady, and I don't think I could be so strong if I were in your shoes.

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  18. I agree totally, tell them the truth, emphasise drugs kill, you're doing the right thing, the last thing the kids need is someone confusing them with stories about their dad, you're the one doing the hard yard, you're the one who's still there for them, you're the boss girl! Hey my kids are 19,17,15 and sometimes I get to be alone in the house for an hour when they're all out - it doesn't change! Stay strong, you're awesome.

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  19. Honest, strong, laugh-out-loud ~ love it all. I'm so glad I found you (and really wish I could remember, but hell, after reading everything I have no freakin' clue). Following now so I don't have to remember anything else new today. Thanks for writing a fabulous blog.

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  20. I love your blog! I don't have a clue what you are going thru but I do know how you handle it IS YOUR BUSINESS! Girl, so what if you piss somebody off, they will get over it! You do whatever you think is right for you and those boys!

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  21. I love your blog..it is amazing and sad and honest

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  22. First of all, I am addicted to you. I have read every single last word that you have written and if anything, it makes me put life in perspective. Too many people are just so quick to complain about their mundane lives (I am guilty of this myself) and forget that there is someone/somewhere wishing they had the problems you are whining about :) So, keep blogging....for your sanity and for all of us to learn to appreciate what we don't have to deal with and stop our bitching :)

    A question....I have tried several times to "vote" but when I go to the page, I can't figure it out. Do you have to join? Is there a vote button I can't seem to find? Please let me know and I would GLADLY vote!

    Finally, I believe with all my heart that you have some pretty lucky and special boys. You were chosen as their mom for a reason......you may not feel as if you are strong, by what I have read, you have done better in your situation than many many many of us could ever imagine or hope to do! You are an amazing woman (even if you don't feel that you are!)

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  23. I find your honesty refreshing. Hell, if you can't be honest and open about the awful truth.....what is the point.

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  24. I know it pales in comparison really because you have the kids and it was your husband but today marks the 1 year anniversary of my brothers suicide. I wanted to punch holes in the walls today in a fit of rage that came over me but our emergency room is like 15 hours of waiting and I didnt feel like having to spend it there because I broke a bone in my hand trying to fuck something up to feel better so instead Ive just been screaming and carrying on like a lunatic but it isnt doing much for me. Last night it was "I love you and I miss you" but today its "fuck you and I hate you for what you did and making me feel like this"...pillhead mother fucker, who I loved more then anyone next to my own kids, and I just want him back, and then if I could have him back Id kick him in the balls, then hug him so tight. Conflicting emotions suck ass. Id like off this roller coaster now.

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  25. Thank you for writing this. You are not an asshole. He shouldn't be glorified. You have a right to be angry. My ex-husband has used the suicide card for years, threatening me, conditioning me to never pull too far away so that he isn't threatening to kill himself. We have an 11 year old daughter. He's tried a couple of times. His drug of choice is meth. Of course, he's clean right now (because I kicked him out again for using) but he has continually chosen this drug over me for years and then when I kick him out - the threats of suicide start. How dare they! Suicide is the most selfish thing that you can do. Perhaps I am an asshole, too, then, because I have absolutely no sympathy for people that do it. Selfish bastards. I've never read your blog before but will be following it. You spoke to me. I feel your pain. It's only a matter of time until I join you in your pain...hopefully, he won't take me with him.

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  26. You are not an asshole. You are amazing. You have every right to be pissed off at your husband for the way he exited your lives.

    If I was anywhere near New Orleans, I would go and babysit so you could enjoy hours upon hours of freedom from the kids. I get it. Mine go away for weeks to their grandparents homes every summer. It is an amazing time for my husband and me. It keeps us sane all year long. Adults need adult time. Come up to Idaho anytime for some good adult time.

    Write your book. If it is half as good as your blog, it will be a bestseller. At the very least, it will change a few lives.

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  27. I love how honest you are. My brother would have been 43 this year but he never made it to 30...he chose addiction over and over and then suicide...I get it and I agree. Don't ever feel like you have to make him into something he wasn't for the kid's sake...bullshit. He did what he did with intent and infuckingfrontof them. I applaud you, your candor, your kick ass attitude and the fact that you fucking get out of bed every day!!!!!!

    How's that????

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  28. who chooses to be an addict?

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    1. Tim, HORSESHIT. (with all due respect, 'cause I love ya brah.) Obviously people do, everyday. Dave did. He had a million opportunities to say, "I'm an addict." and then accept help. If it weren't a choice, then no one could ever get clean EVER. They would stay addicts for life. But people CHOOSE to stop using every day. Once they are clean, they can also choose to stay clean. Some CHOOSE NOT TO EVEN TRY, EVER.

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    2. I agree..there is always a choice. Just like I told my ex - there was a choice made to go to rehab and get clean. There was also a choice to be made when deciding whether to use after being clean for 6 months or being clean for a year. A choice to get in the car instead of calling his sponsor; a choice to go to his dealer instead of calling his sponsor; a choice to take the drug home instead of calling his sponsor and the choice to light up and get high on meth instead of calling his sponsor. All these choices and yet, the answer was always the same. All addicts, at one point or another, made choices.

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    3. I'll assume then, Tim, that you believe that people are born with a pipe in their mouth, straw up their nose or needle in their arm..and forced to continue doing it.

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    4. people may not "chose" to be an addict but they can chose to remain one and not seek help

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  29. Limp Dick Lying Dog...aren't you glad you asked?

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  30. I am very envious of you right this second, & awestruck.. It will be 8 years this December since Chewie's addict, bio-dad ate his shotgun, & it took me until last year not to be a complete mess the entire month of December. He chose to make his grand exit December 23, 2004. You nailed it, they chose to leave us, with their bullshit, their mess, & their boys to answer to. As far as Dave's friend who wants to tell your boy's how great Dave was.. Don't discount your boy's, Chewie know's many of his bio-dad's friends, & he basically tells them anything he wants to know about that guy, I'll tell him (which is true). He's only 11, but recognizes smoke when it's being blown up his little ass. Paint your kitchen (you'll love the yellow), buy any bedding you love, & keep putting it out here.. Better out than in, I promise. *MUAH*

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  31. My Aunt Juanita and basically second mom committed suicide last week with an overdose after being an alcoholic and rx addict for years, rehab after failed rehab. Purposeful. Note included. Young and lots of unfinished business. It's the shittiest, most selfish thing anyone can do. She left 3 barely adult estranged children, my mom a basket case and my 8 y/o daughter crying for her "Aunt Nee-Nee' at night. She left before I could tell her my ultrasound says it's a boy! 5 days before her daughter's birthday. It totally sucks. I love her and miss her and I'm pissed at her. I completely understand being angry at someone for leaving the world that way. It's not fair. Don't let anyone tell you the way you feel isn't right. You are allowed to feel however you want, even if it makes others uncomfortable. All you can do is manage yourself, you are not responsible for everyone's reactions. The more you give yourself permission to feel, the better off you will be. The tiny glimmer of hope I see is that you helped me in MY grief today just by sharing your story. I thank you so much for that, and wish you a little more peace every day. Sarah

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    1. Sarah...I'm glad you found the Diary today because there are many in our shoes...too many...and they are regular visitors on the FB page. I'm so sorry about your loss. Suicide sucks so badly because you don't even know how to grieve. Mad/Sad/Love/Hate/Guilt/Blame all twisted up...it's a mean roller coaster...we're not talkin' heart attack here, and lots of people don't get it. (I guess that is good since it's such an awful awful thing.) Peace and love to you and your family...stay strong, or don't...not that you have much control ;) My best advice is just let it out. You see me vomiting all these words every day. I'm a better person for it.

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    2. Yes, you are. <3 to you and your precious family.
      Sarah

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  32. You're entering into the next stage. This one lasts awhile too. Good for you! You must get tired of all of us telling you how we know EXACTLY how you feel and what you are going through? While circumstances may be different, these feelings and thoughts are not unique. I cannot tell you (try to restraint myself from commenting on every blog) how refreshing (yes, honestly, refreshing!) it is to read your words and know these thoughts and feelings I've had for the last 13 years are truly understood by someone else. Just not happy we have to share it.

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  33. I'm a new follower, but from what I can tell, he was the asshole, not you. I've faced depression. I'm bipolar and if I could count all the times I wanted to kill myself, well, anyway. I even checked myself into a hospital when it got VERY bad, and what did MY asshole husband say? I just wanted a vacation. Yeah, a psych hospital is a vacation right? Anyway, I just just wanted to say thank you for keeping it real. I'm not enough of an asshole to kill myself and leave my kids wondering wtf??? I don't know you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  34. I think your honesty is so awesome. My daughter's father put us through hell with his addiction and lies until I changed the locks 7 years ago. He is far too much of a coward to committ suicide, so his just lingers and never calls his daughter. Ever. Has never paid me a dime for her care, and I have never pursued it. That would mean he would be an addict in jail. Wouldn't help nor would it make me feel better, I dont feel vengence towards him...just pity. Although I do get pissed off when my daughter crys or asked me why she cant remember what he looks like.
    My significant other's wife killed herself with a 15 year old daughter left behind. They are still trying to figure out how to make it alright. And they are so scared to be angry at her that my stomach twists. Both are very low key personalities, I of course am not. I think they should rage and be furious at her selfishness....but not my turmoil. About being a Mad Woman...been one for years and most my peeps know it...they just avoid me when I put on the Ozzy cd and break out the gin. But we will chase peace til we find it, til then I will bitch about the government and shallow humans and laugh at organized religon....I am what I am.

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    1. I just have to say that I think your comment "he is far too much of a coward to commit suicide" is so wrong. It takes more strenght/courage to remain living. I have battled depression my whole life. I have wanted to die. I have thought of ways to die so that it would look like an accident and not burded my children/family with the thought of suicide. But I was COURAGOUS enough to choose life, as sucky as it gets. Please don't say that commiting suicide is brave and not doing it is being a coward.

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  35. I love your honesty. Kudos to being true to yourself. What an amazing woman you are for suffering the 'unthinkable' for your family. I spent the last 12 hrs mesmerized by your words and strength. Godspeed.

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  36. You are a breath of fresh air, and exactly who I needed to hear from. he ain't dead yet, but he's on his way. I was never in love with him, never will be. I try to make him hate me. I just don't have it in me to be as uncaring toward him as he has been toward us. Thanks for not sugar-coating the bullshit. consider me your newest follower :)

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  37. This post was quite powerful for me. I see no need in the boys hearing about great dad stories cause Hey if Dad was so great why did he choose to leave us? That creates personal issues of abandonment & not measuring up. I would so strongly push the whole addiction/drugs conversations- what better forum but the LIVES your family now has! YES to new sheets, makeovers of the house! You can get girly stuff!! Dave is no longer a living part of your life so you should design your home the way you want it- the way it makes it easier to live. I think when the boys get much older4 & have more emotional development & will have a better understanding of life, addiction, depression, mental issues, surviving & coping -THEN that would be the time to have someone come in & tell dad/Dave stories but the stories will have a spin cause that person did not live with Dave the addict... YOU and your babies did!! I have seen children very sad about dealing with the suicide of a parent cause they feel so helpless & like they should have been "enough" to make their parent want to live, so happy stories seem to rip the scab & not heal the wound plus the "scar" will always be there-the scar that he caused.

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  38. I am a new follower, and I love your honesty...You have every right to feel the way that you do! I was married to an addict, and I understand the lies...and the lies...and the lies. You keep on living your life the way you want to, and know that I will be a big supporter!

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  39. I think I'm going to be the "devil's advocate" voice on this one. It's true that Dave left you with a lot of horrible memories. But he wasn't totally a horrible person ... you've said that yourself. He had great qualities. Things that made you fall in love with him. Maybe it's just too hard for you right now to look at the good stuff because the bad is still too painful. Believe me, I totally understand that. But as my kids grow older and we are just 10 days away from hitting our 3-year anniversary without their father, I'm realizing that they may never know who their father was when he was growing up or in his 20's with his buddies. I hope and pray that my husband's friends decide to come around and share stories with them about things their dad liked to do, things he was good at, things that made him smile and laugh that laugh that made tears come out of his eyes. Remembering the good times, I know, makes the ending seem that much worse sometimes. But never knowing who their father was somehow seems worse to me. There are parts of me, like you, that just want the whole thing to go away. Just erase it from all of our memories and let us start all over again. But to only remember the bad stuff or the ending makes it unfair to the rest of the story.

    For the record, you know I don't think you're an asshole. And none of us are Jesus. But we all have forgiveness inside of us, even if it takes a long time to find it. I promise that you will find more peace if you let go of anger and remember the good times. (Of course I say this after last night I was just damning him all over the place for what he did, for leaving these memories in my head...but the anger comes and goes and gets less and less as I settle in on the fact that I can't change what happened, not even by being angry.)

    Much love to you, Jerri. You know I'm rooting for you always!

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  40. An addict chooses to be an addict when he takes that first dose, then chooses to do a second dose... I have had to put up with my x going through rehab. Writing letters to my daughter telling her how daddy is getting better. Now 2 years later he still only appears for one or two visits a month. I am convinced his parents make him visit with her. (he only sees her when he visits their house) You would think he'd spend every minute of those 1 or 2 days worshiping her. No, he takes naps, goes off in another room to listen to music or watch tv. He pays his petty little amount of child support each month because I had the courts garnish his wages before he could gamble his money away. YES WE ARE ANGRY, YES WE ARE BITTER, YES WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT GLORIFY THESE MEN. You are raising your boys the best you can. Somehow I know when they are grown, they will understand. THE THING IS...YOU'RE DOING IT! ROCK ON SISTA!

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  41. I was completely overwhelmed by your post. I have come over from Dysfunctional Dose and I am so glad I did. I love a girl who is REAL and tell it like it is! I am a new follower. Hang in there - I can tell from your comments that you have a lot of people who care about you.

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  42. you are the furthest thing from an asshole. You are a gem. You are honest, and that scares the shit out of some people. I should know. Im honest too. Its a gift, and a curse. Ive been told over and over again, about my writing, to "tone it down" by people who dont get it or who havent been through shit in their lives. The ONLY person who went through this life with Dave is YOU. Nobody else. Just you. So anyone else who thinks they can judge you or persecute you or make assumptions about you or how you FEEL ... they can all go screw themselves. Keep writing, and thank you so much for the relay tag lol.

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  43. I'm a new follower, also.

    I haven't read all of the comments. It is 4am. I should be sleeping. I'm not. It is the beauty of having major shoulder surgery and being reliant on the mofo drugs they give you...that are easy to become addicted to. And when I take one..I don't have the 'non stop energy boost'. However, when I take 2 bc the pain is so incredible intense well...I can't sleep. So here I sit reading your blog...sobbing.

    Why? Because it hits to close to home.
    As in VERY VERY CLOSE TO HOME.
    I battle suicidal ideation...nearly every single day of my life. THere are days and weeks that I can't pull myself out of that dark hole to save my ass. I'm here. I've not succumbed to the pain.
    It was just about a year ago my uncle killed himself. On his daughters 16th birthday. Fucking bastard. I'm still angry. There have been days where I thought "what made him so special to not have to fight this mofo fight?" And other days where all I can think of him is a fucking selfish bastard.

    Recently, my sperm donor and abuser...he took one to many pills, drank a little to much and ended his life on July 4th. Fucking bastard.

    Angry much? Yep. That would be me.

    Can I say thank you for blogging about YOU and the EFFECTS this has on YOU? It is 'these' types of posts on the really bad days that helps me get back up again. For those 2 children of mine who both had birthdays this weekend. Whom are the reason I am still breathing.

    ((((HUGS)))))

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  44. My friend sent me a link to your blog blog. YOU ARE amazing. I think you should turn your blogs into a book like "Julie and Julia" ... yours will be far more interesting!

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