August 24, 2012

Diagnosis: Insanity

I haven’t posted in a while because now I have cancer, lupus, and rheumatoid arthritis and also for a few days in a row I had several heart attacks each day.  Either I have all that, or I’m finally succumbing to the stress that seems to constantly swirl around me in a bit of a hysterical mocking fashion.  You decide.  Remember the other day when I said that I was just feeling exhausted?  Well the ‘feeling exhausted’ morphed from a mild feeling of being tired to a full on ninja type assault.  My body just started screaming, “Mutha, you ain’t listening to me!”  One morning, I woke up and was convinced that little darling was going to get hit by a car that day, or be in some fatal accident.  Another night, I had visions of big darling bleeding to death in a pool.   Not just fleeting visions or thoughts….but intense panic attack type thoughts that would.not.go.away.   Only those with deceased loved ones will get this last one…but I kept getting what I will coin the “corner of your eye” syndrome.  For those of you lucky bastards who still have all your eggs in one basket, this is the phenomenon in which you repeatedly catch glimpses of something out of your peripheral vision, and you think it’s the deceased person.  So yeah, I’m pretty sure this all means I am indeed going psycho.  No, I am not currently in therapy, because I sort of think I am the head therapist by now.  Just like I’m an internet doctor.  I don’t need to pay somebody to tell me that my stress levels are reaching “We about to shut this bitch down mode.  Ya hurd?”  I can’t even tell you what I’m stressed about, to be honest.  Back to school stuff, big darling’s illness and hallucinations, money, how the hell I’m going to do all this with a full time job, and a few other incidents with the people who must not be named.  I think the stuff with the people who must not be named is probably a large part of it.  But I can’t talk about that, because they are the people who must not be named.  All I can say about the people who must not be named is that they are indeed some fucked up motherfuckers.

So, back to my diagnosis.  I’m so tired and not feeling like myself, so I must have cancer.  I keep getting these small little lumps that hurt when I press them on my knuckles, so I must have rheumatoid arthritis, too.  Lupus, well, everyone has lupus.  For a few days I had lots of heart palpitations and when I got in bed at night I had the sensation of actually feeling blood coursing through my too little veins, so I’m pretty sure those were mild heart attacks and I need stents.  Of course I know I don’t have all this, and I hope the poor souls who actually do will not take offense at my shenanigans.  So now that I am fully diagnosed, thankfully my treatment can begin.  Only it really can’t, because little darling doesn’t start school until after Labor Day.  So I can’t rest, relax and eat twix until then.  I have to just do other things, like drink more beer, I guess.  I don’t know.  This is all just sucky to me, because I normally am a very high stamina person, high energy, good sleeper, good at bossing my body around, etc.  Now I’m none of those things.  Usually, I say to myself, “Self, shut the fuck up.”  And now self shakes her sassy head and says, “No, you shut the fuck up, mutha.  I’m about to hurt yo ass.”

I swear the minute I drop this little darling off at school, I will be headed straight to the R&R camp.  I’m scheduling massages, acupuncture, manicures, haircuts and maybe even naked dancers.  Who knows.  In the meantime, I continue to wake up each morning to see if E Hollywood News is reporting that I’ve been rushed to the hospital apparently suffering from exhaustion.


  1. Idk what to say except my thoughts are with you!

  2. Damn. Well.. at least I know why you've been so quiet. :(
    Don't want to be a cliche' and am not going to boss you.. BUT.. you KNOW you cannot take care of those babies if you do not take care of yourself first. Happy momma = happy kids. Period. And .... i'm going to step WAY out of line here and over the boundries and say maybe you should go back to therapy. Not because you are fucked up {which, you kinda are ;}.. but because it would be good for you to spend some time venting, talking, discussing.. whatever.. with someone who has no expectations of you. Not your blog audience. Not ur family. Not ur friends. An hour a week with ONE person who wants/ needs/ expects NOTHING from you.
    just a thought. xoxox

    1. I agree. Its the one person you can rip on, bitch to, freak out in front of, let it alllllll out, and then sit down, and say to HIM/HER " now, how does that make YOU feel!?! Lol

  3. Seeing things out of the corners of your eyes is symptomatic of extreme sleep deprivation; so is free floating anxiety. You're not crazy; you're literally exhausted.

  4. Time to find some ways to let the crazy out..... ;)

  5. I used to get the flashes like that out the corner of my eye when I was under high stress and I had not lost anyone. Also, know exactly what you are talking about with the heart palpitations, inability to concentrate, obsessive thoughts, are not crazy. You could very well be suffering from PTSD. I pray you find the relief you need.

  6. It has a name, and you can't deal with it yourself--it's called parasympathetic nervous system rebound. After the last year of hell, which you managed brilliantly, the anniversary passed and your brain/body said, "Time for a break, bitch, and if you don't listen, I'll show you what I mean." Please allow someone into your personal squirrel cage and take care of yourself--we love you.

  7. I can sympathize. I don't have the same problems you do (except maybe for the money part) but, like you I have always been the pillar for everyone and right now I feel like the stress of it all is killing my body (heart attack? Back problems all the time to where I can barely move, and it goes on!) I love reading your blog because it helps me to put my own problems into prospective. And you are usually good for a laugh at your own expense!! It gives me a few minutes to get out of my own head and laughter is always supposed to be good for one....or so it's said. Hang in there and fight the good fight but please take care of you too and I'll try and do the same!

  8. When I stumbled upon your blog a couple of months ago, I was immediately sucked in by your outright honesty about how you felt, and that continues to be what draws me in with every post. I admire that quality and long to show it in my own writing.

    And so now, even though you don't know me at all, and I barely know you either, I'm going to be completely honest with you, too: I think you need to find a really qualified therapist and start talking.

    Every single one of your feelings, fears, thoughts, and urges is completely valid, and you need someone to tell you that. Someone to reassure you that you are NOT crazy; you are under an enormous amount of stress, and have been for quite some time.

    You know perfectly well that pretending to hold it together because you're OH SO STRONG and that's your job, cannot last. Please don't torture yourself any longer; you don't deserve it.

    Just make a call, or a few, and make an appointment with a therapist. And if you can, read some books about what you're going through, if you haven't already. They will help.

    I have NOT been through what you are going through, but I am a single mama, and I have been through a lot. I have come out the other side, and it's pretty awesome over here. To prove how friggin' healthy I am, I'm even still in therapy! Because, you know, life tends to be unpredictable and I am still learning how to get through it without going crazy.

    Please know that there are people who care. You and your boys are wonderful. :)

  9. Praying for you. Wishing you peace.

  10. oh my...look at how we all surround you with diag nosis and what you oughta do...of course it is because we all love you and mostly because honest to God we never want what has happened to you to ever happen to us. And in a weird and sick kind of way...we cheer you and know that as you fight and fight these relentless battles yet keep struggling and climbing out of the depths of hell we are winning to. You are the hero you never wanted to be, but now you are tired my friend. Darlin' you need to take a step back for YOU... not for the boys, not for your followers, but for the one who needs to recharge her sanity. You say after Labor Day when you have you see how you keep avoiding anything that is for your benefit? And as for those nameless people who shall not be named...please know that I'm not dropping names or anything but those nameless people who shall not be named, know who the fuck they are and they should be ashamed of their nameless selves...those nameless assholes. And with that my friend...I send to you goodness and peace and the promise that things do change and they will be better...I so love Anna's post about the squirrels in your cage...count me in that group...I'm all about the shiny shit. And the nuts...ya hurd me?

  11. My dear Mad Woman,
    Your diagnose is indeed correct..almost.
    I recommend as yet another highly qualified internet doctor you do exactly as you plan, get a massage, at least two hours worth, some hair done and let yourself be pampered for awhile.

    I find it ironic to suggest such a thing, when I lost A (to suicide) everyone told me to do the same thing, although my loss was no where near harmful as yours to my life, the pain was damn near the same. It took a long while for me to pull myself out of the hole and still there are days that aren't so good, but I learned eventually taking care of ME on those days and doing what my body or heart told me I needed was what helped the most.

    From one internet doctor to another, te amo.

  12. I am assuming these nameless people are the same nameless people in your family who were fighting with you on the anniversary day? If I am correct, then please take MY therapist's advice...cut ties with toxic people, no matter who they are. It is a fragile time in your life, and for whatever reasons, whatever demons are possessing them, they are not able to see what you need is love and supoport. Family is what you make it. You must just need to make a family with your muthas for now. Your own family is not available nor capable to see the forest through the trees. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

  13. hey there, Love ya. big squeezy hug, if I didn't think it'd break you right now. My person who killed himself in Feb 2012 was my MAN --like a spouse but not. A bad ass mofo nonetheless...wound up addicted to pain meds and off'd his Dad then himself. Nightmare City-- My kids are older than yours. I have a full time job. I have a home, I have a THERAPIST. I use her as validation that I am NOT as crazy as I feel. I would highly recommend you go back into therapy. I would also HIGHLY recommend a full health check up. It will help you feel like there is 'control' back in your world and your body is okay. It might help with the feeling that you are gonna die.

    Mine is cancer-- I know it's lurking. My other issue is worry that my kids will die in some freak accident. I can't do another loss. I just freaking can't. All those issues you are having are NORMAL and need to be voiced to a professional who can give you help in how you get to manage them. truly. darlin'.

    Besides massages, shoe shopping, a nap, wine and yo need to have one key person in your corner with the safety valve---a good therapist.
    Hoppin' off my band wagon. I have a bid to work, book club to cook for and others to annoy. Love your blog, please take good gentle care of yourself.

  14. Hey there,

    I love your blog, but I feel guilty that I can't even sympathize... yet. I’ve got my first on the way, and lately I find myself cruising the parenting blog circuit in search of wisdom, advice... I know I can’t possibly be ready, but I’m trying. Your blog leaves me both excited and scared. It seems that having kids is going to take my tidy, sensible life and throw it in a blender. Did I mention that I’m scared?

    Back on topic, though: I like the way you write. That said, I’d like to gauge your interest in contributing to a pamphlet to help parents have conversations about drugs with their kids. I’m an editor at, where I create resources to make the world a little more drug free. While I’ve researched drugs extensively, I don’t know squat about parenting. So, I’m making this pamphlet a compilation of advice from parents with real experience. Yours is just the kind of perspective and experience I’m looking for!

    Email me back and we can start to discuss the advice you’d like to offer and my formatting plans for the pamphlet. When we publish, your contribution will be recognized and you’ll be free to use/publish/promote the final product as you choose.

    I look forward to hearing back from you! Email me at chance (at)