September 10, 2012

How to Party Like a Grown Ass Woman


I badly want to give you my take on the MILF March Saturday, but seriously, how does one describe hysterical electricity?  Because that’s what it was.  It was just incredibly electric.  It was like a Mardi Gras vibe.  You all will not even believe me if I say every mutha I met was nine kids of fun.  You’ll just think I mean ‘funny’ or ‘amusing’…but these women were so much more than that.  Everyone was in a mood…and the mood was hysterically funny.  I met women from all over the country, and Canada.  Each came with her own posse of muthas.  There were doctors and lawyers and judges and teachers and entrepreneurs and artists and health care workers and secretaries…you get it…women from all walks of life.  Some were tall, some were short, some were fat, some were skinny…but they were all amazing.  They were all beautiful.  It was awesome because there was not one judgemental person present. It was awesome because each mutha was able to celebrate her real self, out of her shell, and with her guard down. We weren't moms that day, or wives; we weren't whatever our careers dictate. We weren't any of the 900 hats we normally wear, all stacked up so that we must walk rigid, lest they all tumble down and reveal how vulnerable we really feel. We were just a pack of muthas.  All together. Friends...having fun and celebrating OURSELVES! Shy people were dancing. Quiet people were proudly boisterous. It was that kind of vibe. It was just real.  Didn’t matter if you knew anyone or not…you knew everyone by the time it was over.  The muthas were all comediennes.  They could make a lot of money.  A movie could have been made right there. I swear to you one day I’m going to start carrying a hidden camera around and I’m going to get rich quick.  Fuck the book, and the blog.  I need to start vlogging.  Because these muthas are running the world.  They’re not young, they’re not old.  They are in the prime ass kicking stage.  In the thick of it every day.  24/7.  The material overflows.  Because they are the doers.

The day kicked off for me at the Club because big darling had his first swim meet for school.  I watched his first heat, then was off in a flash to pick up some other muthas.  We raced back to my house, just in time to catch a group of muthas backing out of my driveway.  We ran upstairs and changed into our MUTHA shirts, put on our heels, and away we rolled. 
Drinking vodka at 10:30 a.m. is its own kind of awesome.  A bloody Mary is the breakfast of champions and it really elevates the mood.  As soon as we got there I saw people I hadn’t seen in 25 years, and let me tell you I’ve been missing some shenanigans with this group.  They were wearing shirts that said GAW in big letters.  “Grown Ass Women.”  This happens to be one of my favorite sayings (I love to answer stupid questions with the phrase “because I’m a Grown Ass Woman, that’s why”.)  They had their own funny story behind the meaning of their tag line.  Present were women sporting pink boas and butterfly wings and pink wigs and fishnets. 
To kick up the badassery we had “Goddess of Everything” tattoos and “Ninja Juice” party cups. 

After an hour at the first bar, we sauntered to our next destination, a few blocks away.  The chalkboard sign outside said this: 
Honestly I didn’t really pay too much attention to it, until we got inside and I went up to the bar for a drink.  I suddenly realized the bartenders were incredibly hot.  Within moments, they were taking their shirts off.  And then their pants. 

Holy Mother.  What the fack?  Oh yeah, I’m thinking this shit’s about to get really facking fun right nah!!!!  And it did. To say it was a blast in that bar is just an incredible understatement.  The bartenders were not shy, and at one point there was an apron clad man hula hooping.  Apron's don't cover your ass.
Shit was flapping and all I could think was truly they couldn’t have known a pile of us were bloggers?  I was more than a little sad to leave that place.  We made another stop after that, freshened up our drinks, and headed to our final destination.  The drinks were flowing, the music was pumping, and the muthas were shaking some serious boo-tay. 
Let me tell you something about the Hot Mess.  That mutha knows how to throw down.  Like for real.  There was a stripper pole, complete with a stripper pole instructor, ya hurd me.  Yeah, the pole had instructions, and shit.  Stripper pole + hundreds of drunk muthas = alotta funny shit.  Of course I had my turn on the pole, but since I'm the chief of the badass motherfuckers in charge, I didn’t have a lesson.  I just did this.
And then I did this:



Because I’m an awesome pretend stripper, and slightly full of dumbassery.  Lest you get the wrong impression, I'll tell you a small secret.  I hit my head when I slid down upside down the first time.  Sexy, right?
I met Gooley, frequent guest blogger on HotMessMom.com.  Gooley is a hottie, I’m not going to lie.  The muthas loved him.  In fact, I had to tell the muthas to stand down, because he is slightly gay.  Gay man + hundreds of drunk muthas = alotta funny shit.

It was the Hot Mess’ 40th birthday, so of course being the attention whore that she is, she had a brass band playing ‘Happy Birthday to You’ with hundreds of muthas second lining…what else do you expect?  Some of you might not even get what that means.  All I can say is that you should come here for the experience.  This city is the Queen of party and it’s not just because we declared it.  One of my girlfriends who grew up here and moved away many years ago was a blubbering, crying fool by the end of the night.  Because she so misses the city, so misses the awesome collection of muthas assembled here, and isn’t having much success replicating it in another state.  That makes me sad.  Women need to be having this much fun.  A lot more.  Wherever they are.  With whatever funny muthas they can lasso.  Because it’s awesome. 


 The madwoman, with Hot Mess Mom.

Now I know you  muthas like some lists, so without further adieu:

How to party like a grown ass woman

1.)    Drink vodka in the morning.   It makes you feel so goooooood.  Put a few salad items in there so you can skip breakfast and lunch.

2.)    Drive around and kidnap all the muthas who ever made you laugh.

3.)    Go to a gay bar.  Gay people are fucking funny.

4.)    Find a stripper pole.  Take turns pretending you’re strippers.

5.)    Go to a bar with nekkid bartenders.  Just keep going to bars until you find one.  (Note: the gay bar does not count, if you are heterosexual.)

6.)    Tell every funny story you've ever heard, like it’s a contest.  Try really hard to win.  Use a really funny drunk voice.  Everyone has one.  If you don’t, you are not cool.  Hurry up and get one so we don't have to make fun of your nerdy ass.

7.)    If people from home call you and text you and shit, and try to bust up your good time, threaten to put the phone on vibrate and shove it up your bathing suit area.  Or just do it, don’t even threaten.

8.)    Go to a kick ass restaurant for dinner and order everything.   Then you can start over drinking all fresh for the night time festivities.

9.)    Be really funny, the whole time, so that everyone in the room wants to be standing right next to you at all times.  Make it so that they can’t stand not knowing what you’re saying.  Make fun of all your friends, relentlessly, to their faces.  Only call them hookers, librarians, or cafeteria ladies.  Real names are boring.

10.) Invent an alter ego.  Immediately.  When people try to judge you, just say you are not who they think you are.  You’re Chardonnay. 

To register for this year's march, go here.
All photos credit LoriMonahanBorden.com. (Check out her Nola water meter address stamps...GREAT Christmas/Wedding/Shower gift idea!!!....Just sayin....)



20 comments:

  1. I'm going to say it again, I am so bummed I missed it! Ya'll had an awesome time while I was wiping boogers and cleaning kid puke. I still have a ticket to NOLA, so we are going to have to at least have a glass of wine (or 5) when I change the date... There is also going to be next year :)

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    1. there will DEFINATELY be a next year! WE missed you too!!

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  2. God I feel like such a loser for not making it up there. Though I dare say, judging by this post, I'd be concerned I wouldn't be funny enough. People say I'm funny, but only because I'm so openly awkward, insecure, and self-deprecating. Like Kristen Stewart but not as pretty or endearing. Oh and also I'm not a cheating, lying whore.

    I would like to learn how to use a stripper pole, though.

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  3. Bitch, why do you look so good after having 3 kids???

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  4. Noticed the tattoo on your ankle, was thinking of getting one myself, pink, with the breast cancer ribbon between the names of my mother, sister and neice who all died from this awful disease. I need to know if it hurts really bad to get one? I don't want to start it and not be able to finish it. SO SORRY I MISSED THIS PARTY!!

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  5. Sounds like my kinda party...count me in next time around!!!

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  6. Awesome. Just. Awesome. So glad you all had such a great time!

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  7. Sorry I missed seeing you on Saturday. We
    partied hard Friday night with the hot mess and then took it to the Goldmine until 4 am. Yeah, I said it, 4 am, hooker!! And shit if I didn't need a little hair of the dog that next morning and sleep. But oh my God, I had a great time and have vowed to do that more often. Why the hell don't I?! Bloody Mary's at Bourbon House on a Saturday morning with your MUTHAs is awesome and dancing all night with with your MUTHAs is necessary!

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    1. The GOldmine! Girl! That is too funny! LOVE THE GOLDMINE, LOL. We may have to have a mini MMM at the 6 mos mark! For the local peeps!

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  8. All freaking day I've been thinking about the weekend... almost damn near speechless to find the right way to tell everyone about it, until, I'd just about given up... you so perfectly worded the experience... I'm so glad I met you and your muthas... me and my muthas, well... we just love yall... Thanks for saying it so well... it really was electric...

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  9. I'm totally inviting Evil Ass Self there next year! OMG! You muthas did it up right!!! Sweet!!!

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  10. I love your account of everything. I wrote one, too.

    http://olddognewtits.com/2012/09/10/what-happens-at-the-million-milf-march-stays-well-actually-im-spilling-it-all-right-here/

    But my pole performance PALES in comparison to your anti-gravity demonstration. Which makes me like you and hate you all at the same time.

    I am here in New Orleans. Always. So, look for me next year. I'll be the one dressed like an idiot ... with the drink ... and the friends ... acting a fool.

    (Yeah, I guess that doesn't really narrow it down enough, does it?)

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  11. I like your blog!! here you have a Spanish follower!!

    Regards!! :-)

    *La Petiua Tina*
    http://lapetiuatina.blogspot.com.es/

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  12. I just want to say how proud I am of you for coming this far. I have spent a week, during working hours, catching up on your entire blog. This is the BEST blog I've ever read. And yes, like you've said before, it's because its REAL and RAW. Thank you for it. I have thought about you and the boys for a week...praying and wishing nothing but happiness and healing for you in the days, weeks, months, years to come. You deserve the best.
    My father committed suicide while my mother was pregnant with me. I never met the man, but not a day goes by that I don't realize there is a missing piece left by his absence. It never goes away...it just changes form. I haven't suffered even close to how you and the boys suffered, having known Dave. My father's name was David, but they called him Dave also.
    Much love to you and the Darlings. XOXO

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your lovely words. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I wish no one else ever had to know this pain. I'm so sad that my boys have to know it...and there is nothing I can do. Thanks for the prayers and good wishes, they mean alot...

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  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  14. I wish I had your kind of fun and friends,I need what guys have(balls)lol.

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  15. http://www.infowars.com/22-stats-that-prove-that-there-is-something-seriously-wrong-with-young-men-in-america/

    #1 Males account for approximately 70 percent of all Ds and Fs in U.S. public schools.

    #2 About two-thirds of all students in “special education programs” are boys.

    #3 The average American girl spends 5 hours a week playing video games. The average American boy spends 13 hours a week playing video games.

    #4 The average young American will spend 10,000 hours playing video games before the age of 21.

    #5 One study discovered that 88 percent of all Americans between the ages of 8 and 18 play video games, and that video game addiction is approximately four times as common among boys as it is among girls.

    #6 At this point, 15-year-olds that attend U.S. public schools do not even rank in the top half of all industrialized nations when it comes to math or science literacy.

    #7 In 2011, SAT scores for young men were the worst that they had been in 40 years.

    #8 According to a survey conducted by the National Geographic Society, only 37 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 can find the nation of Iraq on a map.

    #9 According to the New York Times, approximately 57 percent of all young people enrolled at U.S. colleges are women.

    #10 It is being projected that women will earn 60 percent of all Bachelor’s degrees from U.S. universities by the year 2016.

    #11 Even if they do graduate from college, most of our young men still can’t find a decent job. An astounding 53 percent of all Americans with a bachelor’s degree under the age of 25 were either unemployed or underemployed during 2011.

    #12 Pornography addiction is a major problem among our young men. An astounding 30 percent of all Internet traffic now goes to pornography websites, and one survey found that 25 percent of all employees that have Internet access in the United States even visit sex websites while they are at work.

    #13 In the United States today, 47 percent of all high school students have had sex.

    #14 The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate on the entire planet. If our young men behaved differently this would not be happening.

    #15 In the United States today, one out of every four teen girls has at least one sexually transmitted disease. If our young men were not sex-obsessed idiots running around constantly looking to “score” these diseases would not be spreading like this.

    #16 Right now, approximately 53 percent of all Americans in the 18 to 24 year old age bracket are living at home with their parents.

    #17 According to one survey, 29 percent of all Americans in the 25 to 34 year old age bracket are still living with their parents.

    #18 Young men are nearly twice as likely to live with their parents as young women the same age are.

    #19 Overall, approximately 25 million American adults are living with their parents in the United States right now according to Time Magazine.

    #20 Today, an all-time low 44.2% of Americans between the ages of 25 and 34 are married.

    #21 Back in 1950, 78 percent of all households in the United States contained a married couple. Today, that number has declined to 48 percent.

    #22 Young men are about four times more likely to commit suicide as young women are.

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