September 7, 2012
The Return to Awesomeness
I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to use the word “procrastinator” to describe myself. Because the truth is that I really just work better under pressure. In fact, I’m so awesome, that I can wait until the last minute, and still do whatever I want for all the other minutes. Once I decide I’m doing something, I do it fast and precise and awesome, so who cares when I do it? The point is that I do it. I get it done. So kablammo! I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just really awesome.
As part of my new outlook, which isn’t really new - it’s just my old outlook that I’m adopting again, I’m reinstating the attitude that I’m the Goddess of Everything. Because I am. I’m sick of assholes. I’m sick of weirdos. I’m sick of people whose mere existence makes me feel like anything less than the Goddess of Everything.
Tomorrow is the Million Milf March. The muthas are busy primping and coloring and waxing and buffing their bodies. This is going to be some fun, crazy shit, and I’m super excited. Be on the lookout tomorrow for some insane uploads. Or not. We might be too drunk to work our phones. I’m so looking forward to flying out of this birdcage for many hours uninterrupted. Little darling has displayed a horrific, sassy attitude the last few days, and he’s making me question my parenting skills. Apparently, he hasn’t received the Goddess of Everything memo. Yesterday morning, he peed on my neck in bed about 5:45 a.m. Do not even ask me how this happened, I have no idea. The other muthas were yelling at me to go directly from carpool to the t-shirt place to pick up our mutha shirts, and I had to tell them no, I had to bathe first, because I had urine on my neck.
The Hot Mess and I met on my porch for wine Wednesday night. She is indeed lovely and we are now BFFs for life. My original plan was to hire a transvestite that sort of looks like me (not that I know one or have one handy…but I’m sure I could find one quickly, because I work well under pressure) to say he/she was me at our first meeting, but she tricked me into meeting her early so my funny plan was foiled.
The muthas here think that I have misled my blog followers into believing that my level of badassness is higher than it actually is in real life. They are trying to coerce me into dressing like a biker chick, with a spiky dog collar around my neck. Even the Hot Mess cracked up when she met me. She was disappointed that I didn’t have a husky Emma voice and wasn’t yelling curse words like I was on fire.
I can’t really say much more now, because I’m so hyped on caffeine that my palms are sweating and sliding off the keyboard. It’s making my pits stinky. Someone just made me drink some kind of healthy energy drink, like I need to be more of a lunatic than usual. Everyone around me is stressing me out about meeting times and deciding who is riding with whom, and I’m sitting here ignoring them and pretending I don’t know what they are talking about. I will figure my shit out at the last minute because I am extremely awesome.
Goddess of Everything. Ya hurd?
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