September 13, 2012

The Value of Me


Day 3 of being alone in my house.  I still have not turned on the radio or the tv.  I am so in love with the silence.  With the peace.  And quiet.  The last time I was alone in my home for this many uninterrupted hours was the last week of school.  That was in May.  It’s September.  September, people!  It’s been way too long.  It’s been like the summer that wouldn’t end, to be honest.  The big kids had only two days of school before the Hurricane hit.  Then everything was shut down and it was a whole week before they returned to school.  Little darling’s school had an a/c issue, so his school’s opening was postponed a week.  So, Monday was twix day.  I swore I would eat twix and crank up the radio and all that silly stuff.  Instead, I cleaned out every cabinet I opened.  Every drawer.  Every closet.  I can’t stop organizing.  I’m in a frenzy.  I washed and vacuumed my car.  Caulked around my big tub.  Bleached and cleaned my maggot loving garbage can outside.  Organized piles of papers, paid bills, scheduled appointments…all that little shit that you just don’t do because there is no time.  I went to dreaded Walmart today.  I bought weird shit because I had time.  In a complete stupor, I almost bought a fucking sewing machine.  No, I do not sew.  I was out of control. 

I feel as if I’ve been reborn again.  My cancer and my lupus have disappeared.  I’m so reenergized.  It’s exhilarating.  I am actually thinking clearly.  I do miss the darlings.  But not as much as I’ve been missing me.  I am no fool.  I know I am a better mama when I get regular breaks from them.  It’s just so hard in the summer.  The majority of the summer was fabulous.  The last few weeks took me down.  I know I need to shake it up a bit next year.  Figure out how to get them all out of here for a couple days here and there during the last few weeks of summer when I’m worn down.  I’ve been so patient and extra loving and full of praise for them this week.  I am always loving and affectionate, but just having the extra energy to give more is so meaningful.  This has been a real lesson for me.  I’ve always said that the best way to teach my boys self worth is to show them how much I value myself.  I may need to value myself enough to have a week in Cabo at the end of the summer next year, as opposed to having cancer and lupus.

People look at me with these three little boys and constantly say, “I don’t know how you do it.”  I always laugh and say I don’t know how I do it either.  But the truth is that it’s exhausting.  It’s physically demanding and I’m old.  I’m so old that next month I will be 44 facking years old.  That is almost 50.  It’s shocking.  And crazy.  Because I mostly feel 30ish.  Except when I’m picking up after the baby for the 4569th time of the day, then I feel 60.  And at the end of summer, I feel 90.

While cleaning under the washer/dryer, I found one of Dave’s dirty socks.  We all passed it around and touched it and smelled it like it was some sort of religious article.  The irony is not lost on me.  This is what we have…a fucking dirty sock.

I don’t even care, because I’m going eat my twix.  On my bed.  That is made.  My bed is made.  My floors are not sticky.  My laundry basket is empty.  My supper is already cooked.  I’m drinking tea.  And reading a magazine.  Tonight when I get in bed, my bed will be all tight.  I will slip in without disturbing it too much.  I might stack some books on my nightstand.  If you’d like to send Elle D├ęcor to come take a picture, that would be fine.

20 comments:

  1. YOu suck! three freaking days and your shit is done??? I would need a month! But I would start with the twix and not get far from there...that's why you are better than me and I love to live vicariously through you...when I grow up, I want to be a MUTHA!!! (42.5 yr old teenager with a really baaad laundry allergy)

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  2. I do miss the darlings. But not as much as I’ve been missing me. I am no fool. I know I am a better mama when I get regular breaks from them. AMEN SISTA!!! You are the best damn writer! I laugh, cry, almost pee myself when I read (& re-read!) your blog. Keep doing it. While it may be therapy for you, it's sanity for us out here too!

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  3. Beautiful! So well said. Such a happy post except for crying at the image of y'all sniffing the sock. As a mom of three (girls) I feel your pain. Not all of your pain, since I have a mostly alive husband, but know how hard those last weeks of summer are. No matter how much fun you've had together. You are just all sick of each seeing each other and the joy of school returning. Oh joy! But then the suckage of the hurricane.....that fucker, Isaac! You just can't get used to that shit, but I'd never live anyplace but here. Rock on! You are a warrior!

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  4. Fack. You almost inspired me to get off my ass! Monday was really productive, actually. Now I'm just sitting here reading blogs. Good ones.

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  5. AMEN! We are so programmed to think if we aren't just 24/7 loving our children and doting, we are somehow less of a mother. Bullshit. GOOD FOR YOU :) Best feeling in the world to a busy mom is a clean house, cause we can't totally relax without it!

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  6. Woo HOO .... CABO HERE WE COME!!!!

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  7. Good for you!You deserve every second of the happiness and clean sheets. :)

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  8. This has inspired me to get off the computer and clean my house. Geez. Thanks :P

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  9. Dazed and Creative says, "Last 3 weeks I have been at Mental BootCamp and the psych told me that having suicidal thoughts is genetic but it doesn't mean I have to go through with it. She said it's up to me to keep myself alive and suicide is 1 great big Fuck You to everyone who loves you!" Wow and Profound stuff! I thought of this while reading u today. You are a great woman and those kids are lucky to have you!! My kids are lucky to have me!! Maybe we SHOULD go to Cabo!lol Enjoy your time alone to restore your energy!

    Read more of what Dazed and Creative says here: http://dazedandcreative.blogspot.com/

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  10. I just wanted to introduce myself to you, since I spent a good chunk of my week reading all about you. I found you via HMM...she and I are friends from high school (you may have met 2 of our girls at the MMM). Anyway, I just want you to know what you probably hear all the time: you. are. remarkable. I want you to know I admire you, I pray for you, I think about you and I've learned from you. I sat my husband down the other night and told him about you. I said, "I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm just going to say it. Don't kill yourself. You are so responsible and take such good care of us, but you are also the kind of person who doesn't ever want to worry me and you never complain or stress out. And I know if something ever happened where you had to tell me some terrible news about your job or our finances, you might think I'd freak out or panic or worry, but even if I did...tell me anyway. Don't keep it from me or hold it in no matter what, OK? Just don't think there's no way out, OK? Don't do that to us...because no one ever thinks they will but a lot of people end up doing it. So just DONT".
    Thank you for inspiring that conversation. I'm so sorry - SO FREAKING SORRY - you have endured so much more than any human should have to. But you are amazing. I'm thankful to know you.

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  11. "I’ve always said that the best way to teach my boys self worth is to show them how much I value myself." - Very beautiful quote. It is a great way to live your life. Keep that up!

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  12. For next summer...maybe the YMCA?? They have wonderful summer camps with field trips and stuff. I think you can sign up for a few days each week, or all week, and only certain weeks! Maybe a week a month over the summer?? Or the last month of summer! :)

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  13. Hi there - I have been reading your blog (and voted for you) lately. I am so sad to hear of the terrible death of your husband. My sister ended her life in 2004. Not in the sudden, shocking way your husband took his life. She was receiving life saving treatment for kidney failure and decided to stop treatment and die. All this was complicated by the fact she had learning disabilities and so had a limited understanding of cause and effect. She had no fear of death, which is a comfort in a way.

    It was horrible watching her slowly fade out of life and I felt so helpless. I still have nightmares about it, but I have found therapy useful in the past so might try that again.

    Thinking of you and your darlings. xxx

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  14. Thanks for your insight! You are such a great survivor and a great example of today's mothers. I enjoy your blog and I loved that this one has to do with the irony of having a day off from your children. You are so looking forward to time away, yet as soon as you get it... you start thinking about them.. You have such a funny outlook on motherhood, and I like that it is not all flowers and sunshine with you. It is real. Thanks again!!

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  15. Thanks for your insight! You are such a great survivor and a great example of today's mothers. I enjoy your blog and I loved that this one has to do with the irony of having a day off from your children. You are so looking forward to time away, yet as soon as you get it... you start thinking about them.. You have such a funny outlook on motherhood, and I like that it is not all flowers and sunshine with you. It is real. Thanks again!!

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  16. This past week just doing anything has been a challenge; I've literally been in a state of exhaustion. Thanks for inspiring me to keep pushing forward!

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  17. Uh, for the record: I am 44 and that is NOT almost 50. xoxo.

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  18. Just wanted to drop by and say your a damn trooper I have a blog and I bitch about the craziness of being mom but you are a true survivor! Awesome blog! I guess it can really pay off blogging if you stick with it :) Best wishes to you and your family :)

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