October 4, 2012

Hermit Crabs and Scalded Nipples


This afternoon I caught myself watching the Kardashians.  For a girl who never watches tv, this is probably surprising to you.  I could not believe that while Kourtney was having her baby, her whole family sat across from her on what looked like a bench.  Like bleachers.  Ok, obviously it wasn’t bleachers.  Even her brother?  Come on people, this is too much.  A big wide open vagina with a baby coming out, in front of your brother?  I’m sorry.  This takes me beyond my level of comfort and I’m pretty out there.  I birthed three babies.  Not once did Dave view from that side.  I didn’t want him too.  Nor did he want to be there.  I was too afraid to taint his relationship with my nether regions.  Then again, we were together 14 years and I never shat in front of him one single time.  Never.  I do speak freely about shit, but I am not an open shitter.  Nor am I an open birther. 

I was very impressed that Kourtney reached down and pulled the baby right from her own va jay jay.  It also made me almost throw up though.  (Only because I am weird in a “I could never be a nurse” kind of way.  I get queasy.)  I might have liked to do that with my own babies, and am sorry I didn’t, but how weird must that have felt?  It reminded me of watching Animal Planet and seeing a hermit crab nestle into its shell.  You think it’s a crab but when you pull it out it has this weird fleshy body and you realize it fit into the shell just so.  Blech.  Please do not flood me with emails about how I should be an open shitter and condemning me for not having babies while male family members watched in the bleachers.  I’m not judging.  Actually, I don’t care.  I’m just observing.  That is all.

Today while in the super freak maid mode I had a bit of a mishap and burned my nipple.  I was scurrying around the corner, coffee reheated for the second time in one hand, armful of toys in the other.  I’m thinking I’m going to throw the armload of toys into the little kids’ room, then possibly have time to sip my coffee while I apply makeup. But when I pass through the kitchen I see a dirty shirt on the floor.  So I try to kick the shirt into the laundry room when I pass by.  It was quite the distance.  I hesitated and instead of doing a normal ‘toe toss’ I decide I should ‘wind up’ for extra momentum and pull the shirt backwards then thrust forward and release into the laundry room.  Why, darn it?  It all happened so fast and I made a bad call.  I spilled the hot coffee all over my stomach and boobs and also hurt my neck.  It was piping hot because of course I had lost track of time during the reheat.  Damn the reheat!  Wouldn’t have been so bad if I weren’t already dressed.  Selecting clothes two times in five minutes is terribly annoying.  I was in a hurry, so I stripped right there and wiped the coffee up with my own clothes.  No need to dirty another towel, right?  I’m so conservative.

Now I have a hurt neck, because of a simple shirt kick, which makes two things wrong with me because I have a hurt knee from blogging.  Yes, blogging.  I can no longer sit cross legged, like Indian style.  No I am not racist against Indians.  Please do not email me to say it is called  “criss cross applesauce.”  I am 43 facking years old and we called it Indian style.  I’m not changing it.  It’s too late and I’m set in my ways.  If I sit Indian style when I get up my knee feels sore. This has been going on for a month and it is really making things uncomfortable for me, the whole not being able to sit how I want thing.  Very disturbing.

33 comments:

  1. Sorry about your injuries! I vote but why does it look like your number of votes went down?

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Today while in the super freak maid mode I had a bit of a mishap and burned my nipple." MADWOMAN, YOU TOTALLY CRACK ME UP! A laugh out loud moment, here in my quiet little office where yep, I shouldn't be reading your blog anyway. THANKS for always making me laugh and smile.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hate it when I burn my nipples. Or pinch them when stacking bricks in my arms while working in the yard. True story. Here's hoping for a speedy recovery of your nip burns. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Simple shirt-kick gone wrong! Awareness of this issue will surely protect one woman somewhere. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I too, have lived life loving sitting indian style. Like, I ask for a booth at restaurants so I can sit indian style - kind of love. But with age creeping forward it has started hurting. Only others like us can understand the sadness of losing your fav sitting position. Sorry Mad woman!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is great. I feel like you gave a play by play to my typical shit fest morning. Also found the Kourtney birth experience to be a bit exceptional - especially since it was all the same with her first. After all, she IS a Kardashian - they are like Hollywood magicians! Shirt kick - I would have broken a foot.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've heard of Hot Lips, but "hot nips"... hmmm, the spin off possibilities... lol. You are awesome.. but switch to ice tea.....

    ReplyDelete
  8. I once closed my boob in a file cabinet at work. Slammed is a better word to describe it. True story. It was pain unlike any I've ever felt. It hurt so bad I yelled out "fudge me!" and an attorney stuck his head out of his office just in time to see me hopping around and stomping on the floor while I clutched my overly ample righty. I looked like a Native American doing a rain dance. No criss cross applesauce here! Good times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, that must have hurt, thrill and eXcitement all at once.

      Delete
    2. OMG...that hurt MY boob reading that. A filing cabinet?? OUCH!

      Delete
  9. I would never poop in front of my husband! He doesn't even need to know that I do it. (Its taken me 14 years to even fart around him) As for the birth experience I wish I would have been able to pull my boys out too! I didn't even know it was an option. My husband and mom held my legs with everyone and gave me a play by play but my dad and brothers waited outside. That's a little to close.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I fucking love you. I also refuse to call it criss-cross applesauce. I want to throat-punch whoever came up with that. BTW I have had bad knees for years (I'm only 33!) so I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

    Sorry about your nipple, honey.

    xoxo

    -Kristen

    ReplyDelete
  11. My first time visiting your blog. Wow you are an amazing woman I dont know how you do it! Sorry for the loss of your husband :(

    ReplyDelete
  12. I love this blog! I plan on spending tonight lost here instead of doing dishes, laundry or writing. Thank you! Check me out too, I am a newbie <3 http://justmildlymedicated.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  13. Not to knock your burned nipple story, but here's mine: I used to do my hair and makeup in the nude and once dropped my curling iron, and rather than just let it fall, I caught it against my chest. That is a burned nipple. Blistered, oozing puss, burn nipple. I had just started dating my husband and had to ask him help me care for it because I couldn't see the underside of my boob without lifting it, which hurt too much to do. The phrase that lives with us today, 5 years later, is 'I can't believe I just touched nipple puss'.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wow!!! The whole knee pain situation is all I can think about. I've been having knee pain for about a month now and I thought it light have to do with me sitting Indian style at work and at home (cause I only fold one leg under me) but everyone I talked to said no. Now I know!!!!!!!! Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You need to work on your kick, practice makes perfect. I agree with family members not in the delivery room. But who is Dave, your brother or baby father?

    Anyway, it's quite abnormal to have a brother in the delivery room with his sister while giving birth. I would never want to be in my sisters delivery room while delivering. That would gross me out. I almost passed out at the site of my first child's birth, I was totally not ready for that when the time came. I was much prepared on the second and final child's birthing.

    You remind me of my wife not wanting to take a dump in front of me. It's a part of life, we all take dumps.

    I love your blog, you are quite a straight shooter. Funny and to the point. Great work, keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  16. And I thought the title of my post, "Bitchtastic Panties and Bird Shit" was crazy! LOL So blogging has just made my ass grow. Guess I'll take that over the hurt knees. Sorry you are having a rough go of it right now. Feel better!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Voted for you - do everyday!! Really - well - almost every day - every day that I get on the computer...which is almost every day...you get the point.

    Speaking of points - hope the nips heal - that hurts! I've done that once - tried curling my hair - naked. Kid ran in and tried to grab curling iron - dropped it on my chest - holy hell - that hurts something fierce!

    No more wind up kicks - just give it the old toe toss.

    -Evil Joy

    ReplyDelete
  18. OMgosh! I just ran across your blog and this post. HI-LARIOUS!!I cannot wait to find a few minutes later to sit down and read through your posts. Love your writing style (so much like my own).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you like this one, you may want to do a few things before you begin reading the others.

      1. Have a box of tissues near by.
      2. Make sure all liquid/food items are in non-slip containers should you accidently knock one over.
      3. Take some time off because once you start you will NOT wwant to sto reading.

      Delete
  19. Thank you for making my day my having me laugh in the middle of my office (oh yea I'm on here at work...it's lunch PEOPLE!!) besides that I am quite familiar with the toe toss..my husband seems to think that where ever clothes come off is where they belong...next to the pool, by the braai, in the lounge!! haha this is great...don't worry you didn't spill coffee it had been planning that attack on you since the first reheat!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Girl you know I love you to pieces ... this post just solidifies that statement roflmao!!! Sending you oodles of love and hugs woman! (p.s. got a new email addy - kimatliah@gmail.com) hit me up when you get a chance!

    ReplyDelete
  21. P.S. I voted for you on Top Mommy Blogs .. you better go vote for me too pmsl!!!!

    http://themadwhitewoman.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hope the nipple is better by now, but the next time you decide to do another nippler burn, while it's numb, go ahead and get a nipple ring. That'll be the only time it's cool to do so. :) Thanks for making the whole world laugh. We love you and your writings.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm amazed, I have to admit. Seldom do I come across a blog that's both educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the
    nail on the head. The problem is something which too few folks
    are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I came across this in my search for something concerning this.
    Feel free to surf my page ; teen porn

    ReplyDelete
  24. You know I love you, I have proven this, but after what I just read I am adopting children. Because there is no facking way in hell I am doing what you described in this post!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh my that was such a good read! I wouldn't have the courage or commitment but I love reading stories about strong, independent women! <3

    ReplyDelete
  26. Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire.
    by self esteem

    ReplyDelete
  27. i just have to keep saying it...parallel lives. Right down to the scalded nipple and hurt knees from sitting indian style. WTH? All I can say is if it's true, then I know I will be ok. I know that the way I feel today, one month and one day after he checked out, will not always feel THIS COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. IF I continue to parallel....xo

    ReplyDelete