November 28, 2012


Christmas.  The joyous Holiday Season.  Oh how I love to loathe you, in many ways.  Look, let’s be honest for a second.  Christmas is lovely because families gather and memories are made and I love all that.  I really do.  I get nostalgic for fires and egg nog and the scent of pine.  I love decorating my tree with pretty ornaments and rediscovering all the Christmas things my kids have made over the years.  But I could certainly love it more without all the fluff and commercialism.   I’m such a logical person.  Nothing inside of me feels good about wasting money on toys for children who already have so much.  I constantly think about the children starving everywhere as I stand in the aisle at Toys R Us with a monumental list in hand.  Yes, I do give money to needy children…but it’s all backwards, this world.  We give the most to the people who need it the least, and we give the least to people who need it the most.  It makes me hate Christmas and hate myself for participating in it.  I have stopped giving to adults.  And I don’t feel guilty.  I use that money to give more to the needy.  I can’t stop giving to the kids though.  They don’t get it quite yet…although I’m working on them, little by little.

So, in preparation for the disgustingness of what seems more like ‘the toy season’ than ‘the birth of CHRIST’, I spent ten hours yesterday cleaning out my little kids’ closet.  TEN HOURS.  I swear to you, If anyone buys them a Lego set for Christmas, I’m going to retaliate by dumping legos all over your lawn.  Believe me when I say I have enough to fuck you up.

I swear, I hate toys!  I hate Legos, because what is the point, really?  We spend hours putting this crap together, and then less than 24 hours later, they're scattered from one end of my house to the other.  $49 for an hour of play?  Really?  Is that a good deal?

I hate stuffed animals too.  You hear that people?  Don’t buy my kids stuffed animals.  Stuffed animals are a ridiculous waste of money because we hide them then throw them away, right?  Around here, they end up in the Mardi Gras bin to be thrown in parades.  So think about that when you are buying more puppies and bears for little darling.   If you want to take a chance on catching it next year in the Muses parade, then go for it.

I hate transformers too.  Another toy that is good for about three minutes.  They watch eagerly as I carefully follow directions to transform the monster into a truck.  I would rather chew my arm off on Christmas Day.  As soon as it’s a truck, they anxiously ask me to make it back into a monster.  And I smile and say, “Ok honey, I’ll do it in a minute,” and then I never do it.  Ever.  For years, I never do it.  And I’m not ever going to.  Because I facking hate transformers.   Seriously, who puts the suggestions for age appropriateness on these things?  Instead of ‘ages 6 – 8’ it should say something like this.

Recommended for:

Rocket scientists who have never thrown objects out of anger

Children who are taking the ACT this year

Women who washed down their meds with a vodka tonic

Other warnings:

Not to be used in the week prior to menstruation

Do not attempt to transform product unless under the influence of alcohol


  1. WTF 5 hours and no comments yet??? Where the hell is everybody? Oh wait I forgot you have to approve them. That must be it. Whew! Thought the apocalypse was nigh.

    Agree with you on almost everything, except: With the Transformer thing, my son likes to transform them back and forth by himself but the damn things BREAK so easily and then I have random bits of Transformer carcasses all over my house. Hate those stupid things! Love Legos, though. One of the few things that keep my ADHD baby entertained for more than 15 minutes! He LOVES them!

  2. Preaching to the choir, sister. Took my next blog post right out of my mouth. I might stab the next person that gives my kids a fracking stuffed animal.

  3. you and I have the exact same rules..

    NO LEGOS... I hate them. I step on them. And my kids have 7 Fucktillion of them already that have NEVER be built into what they were supposed to be.
    STUFFED ANIMALS?-- Why don't you just drop off a flea circus of lice to my house? No thanks.
    The inventor of TRANSFORMERS can lick my taint.

    We really are the best moms I know :) lol...

  4. I love the cartoon on this one. I may have to borrow it. I read a news article one year about a family all gave each other Christmas presents and then everyone got to keep one thing, the rest was donated to a local charity and the kids were on board with it. They understood what they were giving and why. I thought that was a fabulous idea and a great way to instill charity in your children.

  5. legos don't even let you use your imagination anymore. They've already decided what Star Wars of Harry Potter scene they want you to recreate...and they provide instructions...and when you're done finishing their product for's a blocky, barely impressionist version of what their 8 year old chinese slaves would have made look photorealistic. wtf?

  6. I remember as a kid playing for hours with legos, making all kinds of different things. I didn't have a shit ton, just enough to fill an empty ice cream bucket. And that's where they stayed when I wasn't playing with them, not all over the floor. Or maybe I'm just romantasizing (is that how you spell it? Whatever) my childhood and have blocked out all the cursing over stepped on legos. I bought them for my kids thinking they'd have great memories too. Turns out neither of them had an imagination. Thanks PlayStation.

  7. I freaking hate Legos too. I actually gave a very similar lecture to my son's father just the other day about the pending holiday of doom and what would happen if he bought the boy Legos. I would rather GIVE BIRTH than step on another one of those little plastic bastards. Would I be a bad mom if I used all my son's Legos to make jewelry and sell them on Etsy and make like a %500 profit for my troubles??

  8. Spot on about the Transformers. I bought my youngest the Bumblebee one last year, or the year before...fully knowing it was for ages 8+ and he was 4, so I knew I was going to be transforming it. Even with the picture guide I couldn't figure the damn thing out. Impossible! And no 8 year old I know could've done it either. 4 people later we turned him into the car, with two broken parts, and I dared someone to try to transform that thing back.

    And I swear the stuffed animals fornicate and reproduce when we aren't looking. Where do they all come from???

  9. Your post hits a little too close to home! Christmas is certainly a mixed bag!
    Justin K.
    Writing Pad Dad

  10. Hello Dearest Mad Woman
    It has been awhile since I left a comment or so much as a hello so I thought I would stop in and wish you a very merry Holiday with you and yours.
    I know things will be a bit tough this year but I am sending all my good wishes and love your way.

    Te Amo

  11. I know how you feel about Christmas, I like it but I am with you in that children do NOT need massive amounts of toys... I don't go overboard with my youngest one and she is highly appreciative of what she has:)

  12. Transformers sound a lot like anything from Ikea.

  13. We have a grandson that sorts (under duress) his legos when he tears them apart. His goal is to be a lego designer and go to one of a few Lego Universities for furthering his education. He's just 9, but his story hasn't changed since his first kit.

    I was drawn to your post, but sad that I won't be back or be able to vote you to the top because of the off hand easy use of fowl language. I sure hope you aren't using it at home in front of all those children in your charge. Kids are so easily impressionable and need all the positive words that can be spoken.

  14. What is this chicken speak Jan is referring to? I too have banned the legos and transformers this year. I still have a bag full of pieces to the damn 10 piece large Bakugan to reassemble from two years ago should the mood to cuss and kick things out of frustration ever strike me. Love this post, and love your "sentence enhancers". :)

  15. I know what you are saying! I hate Barbies!!! You always find that missing fucking shoe in the middle of the night! I hate Barbie, Ken, Skipper...her house, camper anything fucking PINK!!! Merriest of Christmas to you and your little darlings!