December 20, 2012
I can’t believe some of the crazy shit I’m reading. People are sending their little kids to school wearing armored backpacks. Police are stationed at schools all over the country. Crazy lunatics are suggesting that kids should be instructed to ‘rush the gunman’ rather than hide, should they find themselves in a similar horrible situation.
Has the world gone mad? Yes. YES. YES. The answer is YES!
Every day I read the news and I’m in complete shock at the number of stories of knife wielding killers, students threatening to blow up schools, and people being shot in malls and parks.
I sit here on the eve of what has been touted as the end of the world…and I can’t say I’d be afraid or even sorry if God pressed the redo button.
The other day I posted this on the Diary of a Madwoman Facebook page, “It’s called Freedom OF religion, not Freedom FROM religion,” and the comments sent me into a tail spin. Obviously I live in a bubble, because I honestly had no idea so many people hated God/Christians/Religious people. Now I know. And I’m struggling with what to do with the information. And I’m a little ashamed that it’s taken me so long to become aware of this.
You know, I’m one of those people that is nearly unable to stop trying. I don’t think I can take no for an answer, if no isn’t the answer I want. I’m a very logical thinker. My modus operandi is common sense. I’ve survived for 44 years being a no nonsense kind of girl. I’m sorry I didn’t trademark the phrase just do it, because I could have.
And this is what I see.
The pendulum is swinging wildly. It’s rocking the world. The universe is screaming for people to come to the middle, to stabilize the planet. But the people aren’t listening. Frightened and scared, they’re running in opposite directions. This causes the planet to rock harder.
I honestly believe that humans are inherently good. Given the chance, most people would do the right thing. Most people want peace. Happiness. Prosperity. Love. But when the pendulum is swinging so wildly, you’re more likely to get knocked down by the vibration.
Our kids are more likely to get struck by lightning and eaten by a shark on the same day than they are to be shot up by a gunman in their kindergarten classroom. Yet the knee jerk reaction is to send them to school in a bulletproof backpack. Because the pendulum is swinging wildly.
A hundred years ago, people didn’t have cars or televisions. A hundred years ago. The evolution of our planet is so rapidly unfolding…it’s rocking the planet. There is no stopping it. Technology will not rest. But the people must learn to adapt. Stress adaptation.
Scientists have invented vaccines for most of our known diseases. Common sense dictates that we should vaccinate our children. But we are now learning that excessive vaccination may not be healthy. But we all ran towards the vaccines. Quickly. In a matter of a few decades. The number of vaccines tripled. The pendulum swung violently.
Farmers have learned how to keep up with feeding the billions of people in the world. Common sense dictates that we need enough food so that we don’t go hungry. So they genetically modified seeds and learned to give large amounts of antibiotics to cattle and pigs. But we are now learning that excessive antibiotics and growth hormones in our food supply may not be healthy. Genetically modified foods may not be healthy. Quickly, in a matter of decades, the farmers all ran towards increased production. But they ran too fast. The pendulum swung wildly.
Computers and smart phones and gaming devices were put into the hands of all of the children. Common sense dictates that we should keep up with technology. The world collectively decided it was good. But we are now learning that excessive computer time no matter the game may not be healthy. Quickly, in a matter of decades, the people ran towards to the technology. But they ran too fast. And the pendulum swung wildly. The kids became unable to function properly socially. They were labeled depressed and anxious and defiant. The answer hasn’t been to integrate them with humans rather than computers, it’s been to give them pills.
A hundred years ago there were no pills for depression and ADHD and OCD and bipolar disorder. The people were labeled with these diseases and drug companies invented the pills. The world collectively decided that the people should have help with their mental disorders, and they should. But quickly, in a matter of decades, the diagnosed cases of these diseases went through the sky. The people swallowed the pills. But they swallowed too many, too fast. The pendulum swung rapidly.
A hundred years ago Americans were religious. Most people were members of a denomination. Then some people started to question whether God/Buddha/Allah was real. Common sense dictates that a God we can’t see may not be real. Some should be able to choose to be no religion. But in a matter of decades, the people ran away from God. And they ran too fast. And the pendulum swung violently. Those who still wished to be religious were no longer afforded the opportunity to be religious in public. Because the non religious people were frightened.
A hundred years ago people owned guns. Most people owned a gun. Then some people started to question whether guns were necessary and safe. Common sense dictates that guns can potentially be dangerous, yet the Constitution provides for the right to bear arms and we have a right to defend ourselves. The gun owners don’t want to give in, for fear of the pendulum swinging too far to the left and all guns being outlawed, and the gun haters don’t want to give in for fear of the pendulum swinging too far to the right and no guns being outlawed.
The real common sense is in the middle.
In all of these situations, there is a more peaceful place in the middle. A place which stabilizes the planet. It’s not too far to the right, and it’s not too far the left. But the people are not budging. Refusing to see that too much or too little of anything is not good, all common sense is lost.
Eating cake = good. Eating too much cake = bad.
Exercising = good. Too much exercising = bad.
Drinking = good. Too much drinking = bad.
Having sex = good. Too much sex = bad.
Vaccinations = good. Too many vaccinations = bad.
Religion = good. Too much religion = bad.
Technology = good. Becoming disconnected from real humans = bad.
Defending oneself = good. Shooting up classrooms with military weapons = bad.
Having a lot of food = good. Making food unhealthy for the sake of having a lot of food = bad.
Access to drugs when ill = good. Taking drugs when not ill = bad.
Healing illness = good. Masking symptoms with drugs that cause additional illness = bad.
Spirituality = good. Too much spirituality = even better
Seeking the good = good. Too much good seeking = even better.
December 14, 2012
I swear I feel like every time I turn on my computer, there is a suicide headline. Worse, half of them seem to involve homicides, where the sociopath first takes down a family member, or a group of kindergarteners, for Christ’s sake, before ending his own life.
I’m reminded of the crazed look on my sister’s face that fateful day, when big darling and I came barreling down the street after learning that Dave had shot himself. She was out of her mind, because until she saw me, she hadn’t known whether he had killed me too.
I often wonder if he did think about killing me. Did it cross his mind? Did he ponder killing all of us? Or just himself? How many times were we in the same room together, maybe even conversing, and he was consumed with thoughts of carrying out his plan? Did he hug me for the last time and think, “This is the last time I will hug my wife?” Why didn’t he tell the children goodbye? He let big darling just walk out the door…didn’t even tell him 'bye. He didn’t tell me goodbye either. Because he was a fucking sociopath. And let me tell you something….I’m a pretty smart mutha…but I DID NOT KNOW THIS. This, my friends, is scary. Normally, this would make me feel pretty stupid. Except that too many of my friends have been involved in similar circumstances. Dating someone, or even married to someone, all the while NOT KNOWING that this person had a whole ‘nother life going on.
I hate to attack men right now, but I’ma have to…because it’s the fucking men who do it. They kill themselves WAY more than women do. They kill others WAY more than women do. There are FAR FAR LESS women serial killers and very few women child molesters. It’s not women shooting up malls and kindergarten classes. It’s MEN.
Now, big daddies, don’t go all cray cray on me. I fully understand that the majority of you are about as close to normal as we can master as a species. But WHAT IN THE HELL is wrong with the remainder of you? How does this go SO HORRIBLY WRONG?
I’ve arrived at the conclusion recently that the single most important thing in all the world is called STRESS ADAPTATION. I just made that phrase up. How do we respond to stress? Because the truth is that stress isn’t ever going to go away. It’s here to stay. Some of us can let shit roll off our backs. Some of us pick up guns and massacre kindergarteners. WHY? I NEED TO KNOW WHY!! I need to know how my husband could have the balls to aim a .38 special at his chest and pull the trigger. I need to know how that crazed Colorado killer could walk into that theater and kill innocent people. I need to know why a handful of NFL players have killed themselves and their girlfriends recently. I need to know why I have legions of readers who are in the same God forsaken predicament that I am in. They’re widows. SUICIDE WIDOWS. Their children have no fathers. WHY????
Theories abound. The kids were not spanked. Were not disciplined. Were not loved. They played video games. They did drugs. They didn’t pray. They were narcissistic. They were depressed. Pick one…any one. Because I’m not sure it even matters. It could be one or none of any of those things….or….it could be….these people never leaned COPING SKILLS.
It has occurred to me, as I enter midlife, that I possess the ability to train my brain. All along I have assumed that the whole world operated this way. For example, if I don’t like something, I change it. Don’t like my thoughts, I change them. Don’t like my behavior, I change it. Don’t want to smoke anymore, I quit. Don’t want to be sad, I kick myself in the arse and get happy.
How do I do this? I simply declare it. I stay alert. I am alert to the subtlest of a shift. You can’t wait until you’re a psychopath. All day every day we gently ebb and flow. The audio tape plays in your head. What does it say?
Remember how researchers used to suggest playing a tape with all the answers to your science test under your pillow at night. Your subconscious would absorb it, they said. True or not? Who knows? I was never interested in sleeping with a hard tape recorder under my head.
But there is a tape playing in your head every day. It tells you that you are hungry or full. Cold or hot. Energized or fatigued. Listen a little more closely and pay attention to what is being played repeatedly. Do you have many anxious thoughts about one of your kids? What is the thought? Do you have many frustrating thoughts about your spouse? What are the thoughts? Why are you ignoring them? You can’t let the tape play on for months and months without acknowledging it...this 'voice' which is YOUR EMOTIONS. You can’t keep burying them. The tape is playing for a reason. Is yours screeching? Is the volume on 11? Why are you ignoring it?
The tape will tell you that you smoke too much. Drink too much. Jerk off too much. It will tell you that your kids are sad, mad or bad. How loud does it have to be for you to hear it? What exactly needs to happen before you take action? Why do you ignore the emotional channel, yet satisfy your physical craving for food or water or a blanket or a nap? Because your emotional health is no less important.
My tape recorder is set with the volume low. Because I listen. I’m paying attention. My eyes are open. My ears are open. My heart is open. The universe is talking to me every day. I’m listening. Are you?
December 4, 2012
All that ‘holiday cheer’ you all claim to have…where does that come from? Will I go to hell for hating baby Jesus’ party planning? Gawd, I hope not. I don’t hate Jesus or his birthday. It’s his party I hate. And sometimes I think I’m going to beat you all to Heaven for hating it. Because I think he hates it too.
Thing wrong #1: Christmas trees. What probably started as a nice gesture in a little forest somewhere, has now escalated into a billion dollar industry that makes me take pills. First there is the tree itself, which costs way too much. Then stringing the lights, getting poked, scratched, etc. Hours of it. Everyone patiently waits for the lights to go on. It takes so fucking long that it ends up being a let down because you can’t decorate until the next day. Then when Christmas is over, you have to take the lights down. You no longer care about your priceless handmade ornaments; you carelessly toss them and rip them down. The party is over. Just get the shit OFF! More poking, scratching, tugging and cursing, all the while billions and fucktillions of needles cascade to the floor like a piney blizzard. Bet you don’t give a fuck about the scent now, do you? Some get mad and just cut the lights off. Some get frustrated and just throw the tree with lights to the curb. Heave HO. FUCK YOU TREE.
Last year I wisely decided Christmas would be different. And easier. So I bought a fake tree. Thing wrong #2. Fake trees are priced in line with small cars. You can get a cheaper one, but it will look like shit. You don’t want to look like shit at Christmas, so you spend another fucktillion dollars on a nice fake tree, because it’s going to last so long. Oh yeah…I’m gonna have this shit forever. So it’s totally worth it. Hahahahahaha.
I hauled my very long 50 lb box of fake tree up 17 steps yesterday. When I began the awkward struggle up the stairs I noticed the scent of shit. Not human shit or dog shit…no…no shit like that. NASTY SHIT. Shit magnet shit. Mouse shit or roach shit. So when I reached step 17 and the whole box slid nicely back down to step one, I decided it was a gift from the gods and that I should open the box full of mice or roaches OUTSIDE. And so I did. And while that was a right thing, the next thing that happened was
Thing wrong #3. Seven, 7, five plus two ROACHES ran out of the box. Now, at this point, in my past, being a business owner and having wads of cash here and there, I would have drug that fucker to the curb. However. I just bought it last year. I’m unemployed. I have no bread winner. No one wins bread here. Or any other food items. So I spayed it with Raid. Yes, fuck a pine scent. Pine scents are for pussies. Then, I got out the blower, and I just blew and blew and blew that tree. I blew the poo. Until I couldn’t blow the poo anymore.
Thing wrong #4. Now when I touch the tree, I know I am touching areas where roaches once ran. And not only that, Raid is poison, and I have an obsessive compulsive disorder with poison. I feel that one teeny tiny splash of any poison will send me to the terminally ill cancer ward immediately, and my children will be orphans.
I take a klonopin, so that I can touch said tree. Tis the klonopin season again, finally. Now here is an old friend that is welcomed during the holiday season. I have missed this guy.
I erect the tree. I plug in the pluggers. And guess what. The tree is fucked up. The middle strand of lights does not work. So my great idea to buy a fake tree so that I don’t have to fuck with lights is now ruined. Now I’m stupid. I’m in a hating Christmas frenzy. I’m still fucking with lights. And I don’t think Jesus is mad at me at all for not enjoying the process.
I might get a slight tap on the wrist at the pearly gates for saying fuck so much, but I’ma take my chances, ya hurd me?
As I said earlier. I would rather make out with this man:
Than string Christmas tree lights.
On a brighter note: Mutha t-shirts now available here. 100% cotton super soft bella tees, they make your bewbies look hawt.
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