December 4, 2012

Things Wrong With Christmas


All that ‘holiday cheer’ you all claim to have…where does that come from?  Will I go to hell for hating baby Jesus’ party planning?  Gawd, I hope not.  I don’t hate Jesus or his birthday.  It’s his party I hate.  And sometimes I think I’m going to beat you all to Heaven for hating it.  Because I think he hates it too.

Thing wrong #1:  Christmas trees.  What probably started as a nice gesture in a little forest somewhere, has now escalated into a billion dollar industry that makes me take pills.  First there is the tree itself, which costs way too much.  Then stringing the lights, getting poked, scratched, etc.  Hours of it.  Everyone patiently waits for the lights to go on.  It takes so fucking long that it ends up being a let down because you can’t decorate until the next day.  Then when Christmas is over, you have to take the lights down.  You no longer care about your priceless handmade ornaments; you carelessly toss them and rip them down.  The party is over.  Just get the shit OFF!  More poking, scratching, tugging and cursing, all the while billions and fucktillions of needles cascade to the floor like a piney blizzard.  Bet you don’t give a fuck about the scent now, do you?  Some get mad and just cut the lights off.  Some get frustrated and just throw the tree with lights to the curb.  Heave HO.  FUCK YOU TREE.

Last year I wisely decided Christmas would be different.  And easier.  So I bought a fake tree.  Thing wrong #2.  Fake trees are priced in line with small cars.  You can get a cheaper one, but it will look like shit.  You don’t want to look like shit at Christmas, so you spend another fucktillion dollars on a nice fake tree, because it’s going to last so long.  Oh yeah…I’m gonna have this shit forever.  So it’s totally worth it.  Hahahahahaha.

NO.

I hauled my very long 50 lb box of fake tree up 17 steps yesterday.  When I began the awkward struggle up the stairs I noticed the scent of shit.  Not human shit or dog shit…no…no shit like that.  NASTY SHIT.  Shit magnet shit.  Mouse shit or roach shit.  So when I reached step 17 and the whole box slid nicely back down to step one, I decided it was a gift from the gods and that I should open the box full of mice or roaches OUTSIDE.  And so I did.  And while that was a right thing, the next thing that happened was

Thing wrong #3.  Seven, 7, five plus two ROACHES ran out of the box.  Now, at this point, in my past, being a business owner and having wads of cash here and there, I would have drug that fucker to the curb.  However.  I just bought it last year.  I’m unemployed.  I have no bread winner.  No one wins bread here.  Or any other food items.  So I spayed it with Raid.  Yes, fuck a pine scent.  Pine scents are for pussies.  Then, I got out the blower, and I just blew and blew and blew that tree.  I blew the poo.  Until I couldn’t blow the poo anymore.

Thing wrong #4.  Now when I touch the tree, I know I am touching areas where roaches once ran.  And not only that, Raid is poison, and I have an obsessive compulsive disorder with poison.  I feel that one teeny tiny splash of any poison will send me to the terminally ill cancer ward immediately, and my children will be orphans.

I take a klonopin, so that I can touch said tree.  Tis the klonopin season again, finally.  Now here is an old friend that is welcomed during the holiday season.  I have missed this guy.

I erect the tree.  I plug in the pluggers.  And guess what.  The tree is fucked up.  The middle strand of lights does not work.  So my great idea to buy a fake tree so that I don’t have to fuck with lights is now ruined.  Now I’m stupid.  I’m in a hating Christmas frenzy.  I’m still fucking with lights.  And I don’t think Jesus is mad at me at all for not enjoying the process.

I might get a slight tap on the wrist at the pearly gates for saying fuck so much, but I’ma take my chances, ya hurd me?
As I said earlier.  I would rather make out with this man:
Than string Christmas tree lights.
On a brighter note:  Mutha t-shirts now available here.  100% cotton super soft bella tees, they make your bewbies look hawt.


18 comments:

  1. Fucking Christmas tree lights. They had to have been invented by a man just to piss off single moms. My poor kids didn't know you were supposed to have lights on the tree until my son was old enough to string them (smartass kid). Soo much easier to critique than do the actual grunt work. Said son is now grown and lives 400 miles away. Christmas tree, what fucking Christmas tree? We don't need no stinking Christmas tree. Baa Hum Bug

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  2. Oh my gosh. You are halarious!!! I love it! So many points are so true. Thank you for making me laugh today, while I'm doing a job I dislike to win the bread. :)

    Heidi

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  3. OHMIGOD I am DYING, do you hear me, DYING laughing at your last two phrases.

    If anyone in MadWoman's area is reading this: For fuck's sake would someone donate that woman a working pre-lit tree?

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  4. I usually have other people put the lights on the tree, otherwise they may never get there... lol

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  5. I apologize on behalf of my kind. I am a mutha who has her shit up the day after Thanksgiving, all stealthy and bitch like. We put up our smallish pre-lit Christmas tree that Friday to Christmas music and you can bet this mutha made hot cocoa on the stove as well. When we plugged our tree in, we were delighted to find that only the bottom would light up. So we unplugged them and put lights on our pre-lit tree.

    The only reason we used this tree is because last year my Ma gave us a tree she found in the basement of her house (left behind by the previous occupant). Not weird at all. It's one of those ones where you have to put it together branch by branch and row by row (my pre-lit opens like an umbrella and falls into place). So after the bottom row, scratched up bloody wrists from opening all the branches, I realized it was a BIG ASS TREE. BIG ASS. Like takes up the entire open space of my living room (we live in a small, old house.

    We had to re-arrange the entire room, and still ended up having to shove it in a corner. The 3/4 of the tree we saw were awesome (despite my not having enough garland and not enough ornaments to fill it). And the rest was mushed into the corner so we could get through the living room. It'll be perfect in our next house is what I tell myself. Although, I have flash backs to last year, and some pretty serious anxiety when I think about that tree....

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  6. ROFLMAO at pine scents are for pussies and the whole rest of the story... thanks for the laughs

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  7. Sistah.....let me tell you....You must have been at my house on Sunday night! How else could you know exactly how I feel? As I'm sure I've mentioned to you too many times, it's still very very fresh for us. 10 weeks to be exact. I only put the tree up because I love my kid and he needs for life to feel normal, like it always has. If it were not for my brother-in-law and my dead husband's best friend holding me every step of the way, I would have collapsed into a huge mess of slobbering tears AFTER I drop kicked the fucker to the curb. Said best friend even left at 8pm to drive 20 minutes back to his house to get some damn lights that worked on the stupid pre-lit tree that didn't. All to make sure the fucker was put up and decorated before Monday. Monday is D-Day for us. I don't sleep on Monday nights. Nope, I just re-live the horror of my discovery over and over, every Monday night. So, the tree had to go up Sunday. Good thing the Saints didn't play that day. Otherwise, we would ALL be crying and DRUNK. So, yay for us. Yay for me and yay for you. We did it. YA HURD?!

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  8. Ok, first off As a new Evil-Step-Mom in training, I had to figure out the tree deal again like 3 years ago. First years my hubby's kids are in the house for X-mas, so this single BaHumBug career bitch had to get a dam tree. So I was gonna do what my family does and go for the real tree. But saved by the Step-Daughter she said I would just go get a fake one. So great that works for me, problem one, first year Hubby was cheep and wouldn't let me "over spend" on a fake tree. Thank god that ugly ass thing was lost after one year in our basement flood!! Not chancing turning on a pre-lit tree and risking burning the house down, so gonna miss that ugly ass thing!! SO NOT!!

    So for the last two years I have had a much nicer pre-lit tree. But I was not to over spend on ornaments, and tincle is out. So I was smart and found the biggest bin of glittery ornaments in red and gold that is even possible, for dirt cheap! Still have an ugly ass tree!!

    So this year, now I am Step-Mom, and Wife...... I got all kinds of cute ornaments and tincle!! And for the first time ever our Tree is awesome, I guess the kids living with us and spending there every waking moment with us earned me the right to do the stupid tree up right!! (Plus they now get only a tiny table top tree at there Grams and nothing at there Mom's, so our Tree and my parents Tree (THE TREE!!! It is magnificent!! Mine will never look like that, ever!) are all they really get. But I still hate it!! I still hate X-mas, and I still hate shopping for this over commercialized expensive ass unappreciated holiday!!!!

    I am sorry but every Holliday with the exception of maybe Birthdays should all be like Thanksgiving, Food, Family, and togetherness! It is my favorite holiday, and it is because it has nothing to do with Gifts, Easter Baskets, Candy Hearts, or junk you have to buy, just all the important stuff, like family and togetherness.

    So yes I am a BaHumBug Myself! And I hate the tree!! in all it's glory I hate the tree!! (Hint: I found a cool pre-lit, pre-decorated one in a magazine that looks really cool, but all you have to do is lift it up and hang it on the top of it's poll, it is seriously a Pop up type Tree!) I ask for one for Christmas! LOL

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  9. PS. Please stop threatening to Make out with the tooth guy, it is really freaking me out, he is really freaking me out, it's like a car accident, you really really don't want to, but dam it you have to look!

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  10. I know what you mean. We no longer celebrate in the way the rest of the world does. We focus only on Jesus and what the true holiday is about. No trees, gifts, etc. We only celebrate it as a family in our own way spending time remember what the holiday is truly about. It truly has become a debt holiday and that is not what it should be about. We quit celebrating in that way 2 years old and have never looked back. Enjoyed our visit to your site. Blessings!

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  11. Oh. My. God. That picture at the end.....there are no words. On another note, I'm glad I've found this blog....there aren't enough tell-it-like-it-is blogs out there!!!!!

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  12. I think it's healthy to question where our rituals come from and if they still serve us.

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  13. This was my story last year. My alcoholic husband and I seperated (will be divorced next month) and I had to drag the heavy-as-hell fake tree from our storage. My ex had wrapped it in a tarp and the thing smelled Gawd-awful.I knew I'd find a rodent and droppings in the tree. Just as predicted, mice nests and poop pebbles were all over the place. The smell of their urine was overwhelming. I had no money to buy another tree, so I blew the hell out of that tree and sprayed a whole can of Lysol on it. Then I bought pine-scent spray and scented candles to try to mask the smell in my house. Ugh... it was my own personal Christmas hell. Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone in these holiday plights.

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  14. I read the 1st paragraph of this post with a mouth full of water. Let's just say that water almost ended up sprayed all over my laptop. Hilarious!Christmas is A LOT of work, isn't it?
    I recently posted about exactly how much I hate putting lights up on my house:
    http://writingpaddad.blogspot.com/2012/11/is-it-really-most-wonderful-time-of-year.html I avoided the emergency room this year, but I was white-knuckling it!

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  15. Someday.... just someday... I hope I get to meet you :) if nothing more than to shake your hand and give you a hug for being SO REAL!

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  16. I can relate. I had roach droppings all over my fake tree last year, and I scrubbed down every single branch of that bad boy with bleach , soap and water, laid said branches on lawn chairs and deck to dry, and it was almost like nothing ever happened. Anyway your post was hilarious, and spot on, keep up the good work!

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  17. I just found your blog, and I have to say, I about died laughing when I read this post! lol We keep out tree in the shed which happens to be about 50 feet from the house and right on a canal bank... squirrels, and everything else have had their way with my fake tree. Do you know how many dead spiders I found in that tree? And for someone with arachnophobia, finding that many dead spiders almost gave me a heart attack! So I know just how you feel!

    I'm just sorry I didn't find your blog earlier!! Happy New Year!

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