January 24, 2013

Not So Well


I’ve asked little darling how he feels no less than 400 times since Monday.  And his response, each time, until today, has been, “Not so well.” 

“Not so well,” in his smallish, cute, baby voice that I love so much.

I’ve been a mom for 11 years.  And in 11 years I’ve been to the ER three times.  Once on a weekend when big darling had pneumonia.  Once when little darling split his head open so badly we could see his skull membrane.  And Tuesday.  Courtesy of the 3 year old baby darling again.

I am a hater of antibiotics.  But after Christmas little darling had a round due to a nasty ear infection.  When they rechecked his ears a couple weeks ago, they were still red.  He had a cold at the time and so when they suggested yet another round of antibiotics, I was hesitant.  My gut told me no.   I was nervous about his gut immunity (or lack thereof) in the middle of this terrible flu season.  I knew if he got the flu or a stomach virus it would be bad.  Well, he did, and it was.  And I want to kick myself because I KNOW BETTER.

Monday he threw up like he was trying to expel a demon.  The only other time I’ve seen someone throw up like that is once when Dave tried to stop taking his pain pills, or maybe he just ran out of them.  Monday night he was delusional.  He was talking nonsense, pointing at imaginary objects and was just so incredibly sick and lethargic.  I kept thinking about the boy from school who died.  I slept zero.  I watched him breathe instead.  

This is particularly traumatic for me, because I am sure I have some sort of disorder. I’m way too scared my kids are going to die.  I’m scared, I guess, because the worst thing has happened.  Someone in our home has died.  And I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.  I’m scared the worst thing is going to happen again.  Because if it does, I can’t survive.  I shan’t.  I won’t.

I know that thinking everyone is going to die is not healthy.  At Christmas, I even kicked it up a notch and had visions of someone dropping my brother's baby on the stone floor.  I remember a mutha once telling me that while she took a shower she had a panic attack that one of her kids would get attacked by mountain lions.  I've been in the parking lot before and had visions of cars losing control and rolling over all my kids at once.  I once fought with my dad for standing too close to the balcony with my firstborn.  I was absolutely convinced he was going to trip or sneeze and drop him over.  What is wrong with me? 

Does anyone else do this?  Even slightly?  Can the widdas chime in here?  The slightly crazed muthas?  I should clarify that it doesn’t really change my actions.  I still act normal.  I’m just secretly scared.  A lot.  I know I think about it too much.

Anyway, tonight, I have a date with Netflix and a bottle of wine.  GOOD LORD DO I DESERVE THIS!  

46 comments:

  1. My son's 16th birthday was on January 5th. It was two days after my daughter's 16th birthday that their dad took his life. I admit that on January 7th, and for the days leading up to it, I feared and feared that something bad would happen. It was two days after another child's 16th birthday and if it happened before, it could happen again, y'know? I felt silly for it, but there it was anyway. My daughter was driving herself back to college that day (January 7th), and I worried until I got that text telling me she made it safe and sound. Needless to say, the day went by without anything horrible happening in our house or in our family. All that to say, you're not alone ;)

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  2. I have to say that I have to talk myself off the ledge sometimes. I start to think about something happening to my husband, kids or grandkids and I will start to have a panic attack. The more I try not to imagine every detail of things that could happen, the worse it gets. If I put sick children to bed, I am worried that I will find them not breathing in the morning. I used to sleep with my children, but I can't go crawl into my grandkids beds, their parents will think I am crazy. Well, they know I am crazy, they just might realize how crazy I really am.

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  3. You're not crazy - you've been through a lotta shit, not to mention the kids around the country DYING from the damn flu this season. I always try to make sure I'm not overlooking something when my kids are sick. Maybe it's just a virus, or maybe it's A DEADLY INFECTION. Hope little darling gets well soon!

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  4. My mother died in october of 2010 (although very different from your situation) froma massive heart attack one night while walking up the stairs in our home. Although she was ill with heart and stroke probs for many many years prior it is still "sudden" when they just colapse and are dead the moment they hit the floor one night. I have told my husband several times that i have the shadow of death looming over my shoulder all the time........i get so worked up in my head sometimes trying tofigure out how im going to get through 1 of my 3 daughters funeral or how im going to live without my husband should he be taken!!!!!!! I work myself into utter panick and it is truly debilitating. I have to make a conscious effort to keep myself from letting my mind create these scenerios in my head. Ive watched my father try to struggle through these last 2 years without his wife of 53 years and honestly....IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!!!!!! I'm sorry you have had these crazy sad devastating things happen in your family but i am thankful that you are able to share them with others. You truly are the mad women.

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  5. I'm not a widow and nobody has died in my house but I totally torture myself with thoughts that my kids are going to die. Its much worse since they are teenagers and my oldest has started driving. I practically give myself panic attacks over it. I cry when I'm alone in the shower or driving to work because I play out scenerios in my mind. What the fuck is wrong with me ?? I think I need medication.

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    1. Whatever the fuck is wrong with you is wrong with me too. Safety in numbers, sistah! At least we are all crazy!

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    2. I do the same thing and sometimes have to physically shake my head to get the painful images of my hurt toddler out of my mind. I'm constantly afraid that something horrible is going to happen; some monster of a person is going to get ahold of my child, or she might fall down the steps or I might fall down the stairs while holding her. Everyday I pray, hope or knock on wood every hour that she will stay safe from harms way. I don't know if the video monitor is a help or a hinderance. On the one hand it keeps me from going into her room every 15 min to check on her, but on the other hand, I wake up 10 times in the night to pick up that bright glowing box. Maybe if I had to get out of bed to check on her, I might not do it so often

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  6. I'm not a widow, but oh man do I get what you are sayin. I have 2 girls, 21 and 10, and a granddaughter 16 months. A few of the many examples: When my oldest should have been learning to cook, I was afraid to let her near the stove or have knives. I'm a little better with the youngest. When the youngest climbs on the roof to read, hikes, flies a kite - I can't watch. Somewhere along the line I discovered it wasn't that I didn't trust THEIR abilities, I didn't trust MINE! What if I miss something simple and something horrible happens and I could have stopped it if only I had been smarter, faster, taller! With my youngest came asthma related symtoms and me on high alert every time she so much as sneezed. 10 years later I'm a little better, but again, not much. Not much at fkn all. And now there is the grandbaby and her 21 year old mom, living in their own place doing their own thing and what if I did MY fkn job wrong!! Did I tell her how often she needs to clean the dryer lint out to minimize fire risk? Do you know what child sexual abuse statistics are?? I live in Oklahoma, we have some of the highest abuse rates in the nation. My oldest is a good kid, and a good mom. But she is still a kid and she dates... and shit, there is a whole freakin world of creeps out there!! Have I given her all the knowledge to prevent something awful? What if none of that knowledge even matters?? Like you, I'm pretty calm on the outside but the worrying NEVER stops. You think I need medicated? I can't afford therapy so guess I will just go clean the toilet and dream about the margarita I forgot to buy. Keep hanging in there, shit get's better.sb

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  7. I do the same thing. I don't think I deserve such amazing, beautiful, awesome, precious babies. I have "visions" of a car losing control and hitting my kids who are safely playing in the yard. I smother them with kisses and "I love you" because I just know that I won't have them forever. Now I'm worried about self fullfilling prophecy...Can I will them into being hurt or killed? Then it would be all my fault, which it would be anyway but now even more so. Oh shit... Thanks for this, now I see just how crazy my crazy is. Awesome.

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  8. I never would have guessed other people have these thoughts. I used to unplug my phone at night so I wouldn't get "the call" and then destroy myself with guilt, because what if someone called?? FACK!! Good to know others share my crazy. Good on ya, Madwoman.

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    1. Are you seriously polishing up that grill for jazz fest? What weekend? Casa loco is open...

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  9. Just had a mini-panic attack at the mall while there with my four year old son. I saw a guy there with a "Wyoming" sweatshirt. Terrifying, huh? Yeah, we'll, I read recently that Wyoming is one of the top states for child trafficking. Hence...

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  10. I had a son who died at age 5 months, from essentially nothing. Since then, I think everyone around me is going to die. I get so anxious when things are going good and life is happy because I know what it's like to have that ripped away in an instant. Now I have another son, and he just turned 16 months. I pray constantly that God won't take him away like he did my first born. It's scary to be human. It's hard to have faith that all will be well, to walk away from my son's crib while he sleeps, to say goodbye to the ones I love and hope that it won't be the last time. Candace

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  11. Honestly y'all, we are all crazy because we care and we love our babies. It's part of us being muthas, and it comes with the territory. If we didn't care, we wouldn't worry, so, crazy, loving muthas, UNITE! Now, I'm going to go research these wine straws....

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  12. I have three children. My oldest is invincible, he is a warrior and nothing will ever happen to this child. My middle, eh, she's fine, just dancing through life. My baby (he's 10 now), he's my baaaaybee, my everything, my reason for breathing in and out, and my most freaked out mommy crazy thoughts having, schmoopypoos gonna give me a heartattack child.

    He almost drowned in a bathtub at the age of 4. At the age of 8, his *insertinsanelyprofaneword* father rolled the car in a drunk driving accident with my baby inside - I saw the car, the boy should never have walked away. I am INSANE with my level of paranoia for that boy. I am crazed, non-sleeping, ultra-psycho momma when it comes to that boy. He's my everything, and I am freaked beyond all recognition inside my own brain about what is going to happen to him next. He got swine flu once, he slept on my chest for 4 days straight on the couch so I could feel him breathe.

    Oh hell no, there is no such thing as too cautious or crazed when it comes to your child. As long as you don't let it show TOO much. Outside, I appear normal, inside my head, I'm a raging blithering mess over this child.

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  13. I think on some level we all do it. I feel like a complete psycho because I come up with imaginary news headlines for catastrophes that haven't happened. The plane we're on crashes, my husband is killed while on a business trip, my husband falls off the roof while cleaning the gutters, someone rearends my car with my 18 month old daughter in the backseat. Someone kidnaps my daughter, or me, or, or, or, or, or...

    I think it's part of our wiring. We're always fighting the protective instincts and we know there are so many terrible things that happen every day. We just can't keep it out of our minds. I have nightmares regularly that my daughter drowns in the bathtub. She's never alone in there, there is not a single instance where it could have been remotely possible. But that apparently is a trigger fear for me and it appears regularly in my nightmares. I don't expect it will ever go away. She'll be 32 with children of her own and I'll still be having nightmare of the infant version of her drowning.

    Admit your fears, laugh at them, and have a glass of wine, or three.

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  14. I fear that someone comes and kidnapps my two little loves all too often. When these thoughts pop in my head it puts me into mini panick attacks. See, someone has just taken my kids and decided they weren't giving them back. I had to fight tooth and nail for them. My own children. Wtf. I hate public places, i say all the time, "stay in front of or beside me, not behind me." I hate it. The fear. Fear that someone or something is going to happen to my loves....you are not alone in your fears....

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  15. i've been lucky enough that these things never triggered actual panic attacks (those get saved for other stuff) but ever since my kid was born (15 years ago) i started having those weird flashes of crazy shit happening. i was holding him on a 7th floor patio when he was a baby, a good two feet away from the railing, and had a vision that i was going to drop him. that was the first one, and they never stopped. it's always been the kind of thing where i can ask my brain what in the fuck it was thinking and then let it go, but i dealt with quietly for a very long time, thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me, until a girlfriend of mine confessed to a complete gut wrenching fear of knives and what they could do after her second son was born. unfortunately this is apparently nothing unusual.

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  16. I'm so glad to know other people do this!! I thought something was wrong with me...

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  17. I'm not a mother and I've never lost anyone in a traumatic situation...and still I have the same fears and almost hallucinations of horror. We see so much bad stuff, it's hard not to worry about it visiting (or revisiting) our own lives.

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  18. It started when I had little babes in my arms. I began to imagine that somehow I would be responsible for their death because I dropped them during bathtime. I held on to those slippery bodies fairly tight. Visits to the ER or hospital don't freak me out...my own imagination freaks me out. I've slept or pretended to sleep in their rooms on many occasions to listen to them breathe...to count the minutes until the coughing starts again...

    I've prayed crazy prayers as we sped toward the ER after a particularly high fever caused hallucinations...

    But yes, on a regular basis, crazy shit flashes through my mind showing me the worst possible outcome of a seemingly normal day. My base, my go-to "cray-cray", involves a scene of me being interviewed by 20/20 or 60 minutes or some such news show...someone always asking "What made you make that decision for your child(ren) on that particular day?" "Did you know it would cause you to lose them forever?"...

    I figure it goes with caring so much for my kids...to the very core of my soul...that there is no way I can imagine, that there won't be some moment...that I won't f-#% it up. That I won't somehow ruin their lives by one simple solitary stupid decision.



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  19. Omigod, absolutely. My husband died 19 years ago. And I'm convinced my (now) boyfriend is going to croak any minute. I've woke up during the night convinced he's not breathing, and I shake him awake. I wonder how I'm going to live without him - should I relocate? I mean DETAILS!! Holy shit balls.
    Sometimes I can laugh and brush it off, but really it's sad. I worry I'm missing the NOW worrying so much about the inevitable.

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  20. I feel at home among you guys after reading this....SO I am not a total froot loop for my irrational fears and crazy scenarios that pour into my head at the most random moments!! Thank YOU!! As long as the images do not come with voices I shall consider myself sane!! Well as sane as a southern mother of 5 can be!! :) Love and Light y'all

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  21. Mutha...ain't nuttin' wrong with you, me, or any of the other muthas out there. We are all in this together. I do it all the time, including crying in the shower or crying while reading the above blog. I heart u. I'm here with you. And this Mutha is coming to Jazz Fest for some fun. Finally. Mama's gonna have some fun. Keep on being crazy with me. You help me to feel normal again, Jer.

    xo

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    1. Wait...your couch is open for JazzFest? I'ma need a cushion...and a towel for the wet stuff.

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  22. Ever since l found out I was pregnant, not a day has gone by that I haven't thought my child was going to die.

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    1. If you are pregnant and worried, get one of these. It's the only reason I ever sleep. http://www.target.com/p/angelcare-deluxe-movement-sound-monitor/-/A-13220009?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=Google_PLA_df&LNM=|13220009&CPNG=Baby&kpid=13220009&LID=PA&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=13220009

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  23. On bad days, I have horrible visions of getting t-boned or rearended by a giant vehicle and hearing my girls blood-curdling scream on impact, or losing control of the car and flying off an overpass. Sometimes the vision is so real, a JOLT shoots through my body that is intense enough to make me grip the steering wheel with terror. Some mornings I have images when I get up that I'm going to go in to my kids' room and find that my oldest had a breathing episode that resulted in her choking to death in her sleep. I have horrifying, vivid dreams about Caveman dying all the time. Sometimes they are so real that I put a hand on his chest and a finger under his nose to make sure he's breathing and I'm in the correct reality and he is fine.
    Reasons #47-49 as to why I'm exhausted all the time.
    Yeah. I'm crazy as fack. And I've never shared my crazy before, so this is a very new experience for me. I'M SCARED.

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    1. I totally blocked out my tendency to silently freak out each and everytime I'm driving on the highway with the kids in the car. Oh yeah, total freak out...imagining that car veering into our lane or that car coming over from the other side...all those stories about people driving the wrong way...I tend not to blink while driving because of this fear...and of course, this doubles if I travel on a north/south highway vs east/west. And let's talk about driving on a highway when it's just about dusk and raining....

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  24. I'm not a mutha yet, but I have these little visions all the time of bad stuff happening, secretly scared all the time is a great way to put it. It gets even worse when I try to react to said events in my head. It's painful thinking about these situations. Hope the little darling feels better soon!

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  25. I am constantly worried that someone is going to sneak into my house and steal one of my kids while we are all asleep.

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    1. OMG! ME, TOOOO!!! Holy crap. I actually sleep with a 9mm and what resembles a very big Rambo knife wedged between my mattress and box spring, "just in case" some guy thinks he might wanna break in at night while we're sleeping. I don't even live in a bad area, and there haven't been any break-ins ever! But I'm so paranoid about losing one of my family members. Lol..

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  26. Ever since my mom died when I was 20, I've always been scared that everyone I care about will die. Now I have a kid, and it's even worse. I can't stop myself from imagining these scenarios - we get in a crash, Hubs and baby die, leaving me to hate every minute of the rest of my life.

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  27. Oh my gosh! I'm sooooo glad it's not just me! The worst case scenario worries got really bad after my 1yr old had a seizure in my arms that no dr. could explain. Now i'm hypervigilant and can't sleep if she gets even a tiny fever.

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  28. I worry all the time about my children... I had similar thoughts that you write here... I know many other people like us... so I take that we are the norm:)

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  29. It's been 6 months since my husbands suicide and I always think something bad is going to happen. Kids dying. Car accident. Home invasion. Me getting cancer. I have to talk myself down in order to not be consumed by these thoughts. Happy to hear I'm not alone!

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  30. I made my dad feel like he was suggesting we drop the kids in the gorilla exibit when he suggested the zoo. I have always had irrational fears when it comes to my kids. I am convinced one of mine would be the kid who ends up in the gorilla's arms, or falls in Shamoo's tank. I am sure my 4 year old (who has never left the house without permission) will be romaing the streets f I try and take a quick shower.
    I will say I think its a combo of fear for my kids as well as a fear of epic mom failure on my part. This is a tough job!

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  31. My brother was killed at age 27...we were living together and spending all our time together at the time...and now I have 10-month-old twins and it is BAD. I worry about them dying all the time. I am OCD about checking on them at night, just to make sure they are still breathing. I think everything could choke them. I have CPR and choking guidelines and poison control instructions all over my fridge. Trying to relax a little but yeah, you are not alone and I do think it's related to having had a death in your house...we know that bad things can happen. Sucks. Also CONSTANTLY worried about my parents although they are healthy and fine. I think about them dying all the time. It's a terrible obsession.
    Thanks for writing this blog by the way...my experience with death is different but I haven't found very many places where the effects/aftermath is discussed.

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  32. My irrational fears of something happening to my kids didn't start until after they started driving. While spending the weekend with my ex 40 miles away my oldest who was 16 at the time was in a car accident with both of his brothers in the truck with him, they were 14 and 12 at the time. The 14 year old struck his head and started having seizures. By the time I drove the 40 miles to the hopsital there was a life flight helicopter at the hospital. I was convinced it was for my child when in fact it wasn't. Years later my fears are even worse. They turn 21 and you have to add in the drinking factor. Even when I know they have a DD I worry they will drink to the point of having alcohol poisoning. If I don't talk to all of my kids every night before I go to bed I do not sleep. If they go out I have them text me when they are home safe. Thankfully they love their crazy old Momma and agree to it. I'm so glad I'm not the only cray cray!!!

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  33. I had CRAZY fears when my kids were born. My son was at the doctor once with me when he was 4 days old and a guy was outside with a weed whacker. My doctor actually had to physically calm me down because I was convinced that guy was going to come inside and weed whack my son's face. I ALWAYS had visions of dropping them when they were babies, or people throwing them against a wall. My anxieties are less now (gee only took 8 years) and I take xanax four times a day so that helps too. But you are totally not alone in your fears and anxieties. We all have them, just some of us more vividly.

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  34. Before I had anyone close to me die I was the same way with my daughter. God forbid I took a shower without bringing her in with her bouncy seat because then all.I.heard was her being slaughtered in the other room. I'd run out naked and soapy just to find her reading a book quietly or something.
    After losing two people I love, it's that much worse. I have thoughts that I don't tell people either because I'm sure I'll be put away. It's scary... life. Motherhood especially.

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  35. I am a step-mom, no kids of my own bio birth. But before Hubby and I got custody of the kids I use to not be able to handle it waiting two weeks to see the kids on the weekends, I was nuts all the time. I knew B5 had some issues with allergies or something that no one was addressing. He was still 3-4 at the time and was living with his mom at his grandmothers with a crap load of cats. The poor little guy would come over on a friday with deep red rings around his eyes, snot out of control, and pale as a snow. He would always start looking so much better in just two days at our house. We couldn't do anything about it, we had to let him go back there. They refused to admit he had a problem with the cats, they blamed everything else. So I was always scared he was going to die from drowning on his own snot in his sleep, or would get scratched and have a huge allergic reaction and no one would do anything. Then to top it off I they lived along a busy road and I was afraid he would end up getting hit by a car while out alone because Gram was at work and his bio mom's version of daycare was her passed out drunk on the sofa with him sitting watching TV. We had to get those kids out of there!! I just knew with his sister in school all day no one was there to take care of him but his useless mother. And then she would drive with them in the care while she was drinking.... in the car!! It was making me insane!!

    So once we got custody I thought it would get better, nope! Now every two weeks I worry for the entire weekend it makes me insane (i have taken up drinking with friends on kid free weekends when possible). I still have issues, I think the worst shit for no reason, but now it has spread to everyone in the house! I worry excessively about Hubby!! Because I feel like if anything happens to him it will kill me, then on top of it I worry what would happen to the kids, would anyone fight me for custody? Could I keep B5 from going back to living in cat infested hell? Could I prevent them from having to live with there Alcoholic incompetent bio mom? What would I ever do!! What fight would I have, how much would it cost, could I manage to fund a legal fight to save them. I get image of me homeless, penniless, and childless loosing the legal fight and going broke to do so, squatting on somebody's property across the road from there house just to be close incase something happens and those idiots don't know what to do. It is Nut House kinda crazy I know.

    I go all interrogator crazy when one of them is sick making sure it is nothing more than a cold, or whatever. I temp check them like crazy, I peek in on them sleeping way too much, I hover. I am insane.

    I never thought everyone did this, and I get it that Mom's do. But in all my life I never would have thought I would, I never produced a child. I am always being told that because I am a Step-Mom that it isn't the same.... well then why am I more paranoid/insane/worried than there own mother about there health and well being?

    Because it is the gives-a-shit part that makes it happen, not the bio part. I care what happens to them, so I worry. So that makes me a Mom, even if it makes me an insane Mom, at lease the kids are safe.

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  36. When I was 30ish with a toddler and a husband whom my *boss* identified as depressed after meeting him once, that same boss made some calls and found a psychiatrist for each of us. Now, in some of those lovely Pacific states the psych doctors will talk to you to find out WTH is rattling around between your ears AND be able to give you the right chemicals to balance that shit out. Not how it works down here on the Third Coast I guess, which is a damn shame because it's not as good.

    ANYWHO...she gave me to *her* guy she'd been talking to for 15 years. God, I love that man. He didn't push a secret button under his desk when I told him that sometimes I'm afraid that I won't steer into the curve on an overpass, or that nothing like an ink pen or eating utensil can point at me with out freaking me out, or that either my kid slept with us so I could keep my hand on her stomach or I had to sneak into her room to feel under her nose for breath 12 times a night, OR that I saved my loved ones several times a day by performing seemingly mundane tasks such as crossing a room before the door behind me closed or by taking five swallows of coke before the commercial ended on tv. I, too, was fairly convinced that I was in control of my little corner of the world because the bad shit never happened when I was around, only when I was "off duty" or gone.

    Intrusive thoughts, he said. Panic attacks combined with recently diagnosed asthma in a horrible, endless cycle, he said. OCD-like expression of anxiety (but not actual OCD), he said. Buspar, he said.

    After a couple of years on Buspar & therapy with him, things settled down enough to try for another baby, and I needed off the Buspar. My witch doctor/aka naturopath, put me on Inositol supplements and they were just as effective for the OCD, anxiety and for most of the Intrusive Thoughts. However, my husband has "leak through" issues and Inositol was the worst thing I could have given him. Inositol also makes my now-teen bipolar child exponentially worse. So Buspar & Inositol are miracles for me and a fast track to lock down at the psych ward for others. I recommend trying the Buspar first and see if it's a good fit for your body chemistry because if it is, it will feel like a freaking miracle. Every. Single. Day.

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  37. Ok, so I thought I was the only chick on the planet who had that "death fear" thing going. Mentally freaking out/obsessing over my husband and/or kids dying..and me left with an empty bedroom of their things, their smells, their essence... Man, it's gripping and real and just about as bad as it gets! But your right when you say "I still act normal". Yep! That's us! Just doing it the way we do everything else in our lives. Making sure what we imagine could be "our last day seeing them" is the best, and that they know we love them. I can't tell you how many times (ok, it's every damn morning) I've dropped off our 11-year-old daughter in front of her school, wondering, "Is she going to choke on a grape during lunch because she talks when she eats??" ...or "Will my husband be killed in a car accident on his way home from work..or electrocuted while fixing one of the panels at his job??"..Yeah, this shit scares me every day. I hate it, and it's never going to change. At least, for me, it's not going to. It's just nice to know I'm not alone in this shit. Thanks for setting the record straight and making me feel a little less weird. ~Rebeckah

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  38. People said, oh having a baby is work, diapers, up at night, bottles, all that stuff...NO ONE ever said i would sit and worry all damn day long...ah. If anyone decides to not have kids anymore, its not because they cant afford it, its because you can't take anymore anxiety. Im pretty sure my kids have had less accidents because im always, don't touch, wait, look, i teach them constantly and i carry all the worry for them. The in-person stuff when we interact with kids # 4 and 5 is..broken? bleeding? k go play..but thats not what we are doing at night, in bed, staring at the ceiling...all of a sudden their drowning, and burning and ive worked myself up. I have to try and remember that NONE of that is happening!! I have severe anxiety. i take something for it now. Not everything will work for each person, but whatever helps you realize that it really is ALL IN YOUR HEAD..then you can GET IT OUT...and enjoy life better because usually the worse never even happens. Maybe you won't need anything other than this coping skill : Its not really happening right now. I will choose to stop thinking about bad stuff that is not real and think about happy things that i can make happen right now....and when that doesn't work, do what i do...break shit trying to get that fuking xanax bottle open

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  39. Wow. I've been reading your blog since you've started...and I feel I connect with you more and more as I look back at some of your posts. GOD BLESS YOU and your beautiful boys first and foremost - you are amazing and doing a great job.

    Anyway, I wanted to comment that yes, I often think about something awful happening to my two boys - and when I say often, I mean, like all the time, every day, multiple times a day. I stopped watching and reading the news, but it doesn't matter. I essentially live in a hidden free that something terrible is going to happen to them at any minute. It's awful and I can't stop myself...so no, you're not alone!!

    Keep up the writing - I know its therapeutic for you, and it is for me in a sense, to read about the daily happenings in other people's lives.

    Thanks for the raw honesty.

    -K

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