January 5, 2013

The Art of Curmudgeonry


Greetings madpeople.  I’m returning from my longest blogging absence ever.   Did you happen to notice?  Gah, just throw a girl a crumb and say yes, ok?  I’ve been very busy, being very curmudgeonly.  It’s not easy being so surly and ill tempered.  So bah humbug to you!  Blech! 

See, I’m still not back to normal.  When you fall from higher up, the recovery is a bit of a challenge.  This has been a great lesson this Holiday season.  And please, when you read “Holiday Season” do it with a sarcastic and loathsome inflection, as I intended it.

I can’t put my finger on any one thing that has caused my descent into the abyss.  Rather, I think it’s been many different things.  We started December with a toddler at little darling’s school dying.  A hit so close to home.  I already live in fear of people dying.  The Angel of Death has already visited my home.  This is something that many of you fear from afar.  You know it must be horrible….but until there is an untimely and overly traumatic death in your home, well, it’s impossible for you to have the appropriate level of fear.   Kind of like how you really don’t know what having a baby is truly like until you have one.  Words just don’t suffice.  The anxiety started to get the best of me.

A couple weeks after the death at school, the Newton shootings occurred.  Hysteria breeds hysteria.  I watched nearly zero of the coverage so as not to alert my kids to the true horribleness of the planet, but being plugged in to the internet was enough of a reality dose to keep me off kilter.  I can only repeat that I hate humans even more than I already did.  And let me be clear, it’s not just the shooter I loathe.  It’s many other people who proved to me how utterly insane they are just by talking.  I’m so fucking sick of stupid.

I felt myself spiraling downhill.  I felt the anxiety swelling up.  I kept telling myself to get a grip.  It was harder.  Christmas was looming and I was going to have to deal with it like this.

Going into Christmas on a high note would have been difficult enough.  Going into Christmas off kilter and with a wicked case of PMS to boot = disastrous.

So much healing has occurred over the past year.  I guess I got cocky.  When I go back and read what I wrote in the beginning of January 2012, I’m blown away.  Completely blown away.  I’m so thankful for the gift of time.  But I’m still angry.  I’m angry that I will have to deal with this forever.  I’m angry that I can’t make it go away.  I’m angry that all it takes is the slightest teeniest tiny gap in the fabric of my life for the grief ninja to slip in and bust my chops.  I can’t go from Point A to Point B without this baggage.  I try to advance in line without the bag…but the ninja will not be outsmarted.  “Miss, you forgot your bag!” he calls out.  Damnit!  Fucking ball and chain.  GO AWAY!!!

I gave up even trying on Christmas Day.  I stayed in bed and cried.  I can’t even believe I did that to my kids, but I did.  I got up with them, they opened presents, and then I went to bed and cried for hours like a stupid sissy.  The next day a pile of my favorite high school muthas gathered for drinks and merriment.  I didn’t even go.  I couldn’t even imagine laughing and cutting loose.  I was having a hard enough time just not crying.

Over the last few days, I’ve read a lot of what I blogged early last year.  My first thought was that I am definitely a schizophrenic, and my second thought was slight regret for publishing the shenanigans.  But as I near the half million mark, I can be proud that apparently it was good enough to attract readers, and more importantly, I know I’ve helped a shitload of people to learn to carry their own bags.  Your kind words have inspired me too.

Peace, love and blessings to you all for 2013.  .

14 comments:

  1. Oh, honey-mama... I'm just gonna give you a virtual hug because what else can I do (besides vote for you ;))? Thank you for doing what you do. I hope you realize how much you help and inspire people. <3

    -Kristen Mae

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  2. I for one have missed you and your wonderful way at looking at things. I wondered if you were feeling low and was sending virtual hugs. The holidays were hard on me too...not for any of the reasons you have for being down, but down is down no matter the reason. Hope you are on the way to getting your happy on!! Remember...you gotta friend!!

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  3. Girl, you are incredible and perfect. You really are. I have worked as a suicide intervention person/trainer for many years. I have also lost friends to suicide. And you are right - no amount of close brushes with death/suicide can match the horror and experiences in your own home. But the stories I have heard from both those plagued by suicidal thoughts and those touched by their losses make me want to lift you high on a pedestal - a mentor for navigating the journey you are on. You are honest. You are strong. You are weak. You are doing what has to be done when it has to be done. You are incredible and you are perfect. You are a hero beyond your husband's wildest expectations. You are a gift to your children. You are a lighthouse to those on your journey. I share your story and blog with most who will stand still long enough to listen because one of the greatest gifts we can give another is to let them know they are not alone - in their highs...their lows...their fears...their anger..their confusion...their progress. I know this is way too long, but I couldn't leave this one without putting it in black and white: you are incredible and perfect. For real.

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  4. Wow! Was on the same page with you! There was not a "current" death in the school, but my oldest child lost her first friend to Leukemia at the age of 6. They were only 7 weeks apart and I swear he wanted to marry her already. We just KNEW he was gonna beat it & to boot, he was also the grandchild to my mom's best friend, so it hit REAL close to home. To go even a step further, I have a healthy 5 year old that ironically resembles the child that went to heaven.
    The Cincinnati tragedy put me UNDER my rock too! I didn't watch ANY media coverage. The simple knowledge of the incident was so heavy, that I could not shake it. I cried uncontrollably too and didn't know how to "be All I can be!"
    Girl, with God's grace, I have started shining again. I love you dearly.
    And, Oh, I DID notice that it was your longest "break" in between postings. I "felt" that you needed that time, and I understood. I knew you would be back!;) God Speed Mad Woman! and God Bless!

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  5. Yes, I missed you (and just voted for you). Wishing you much peace and joy.

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  6. I just found you a few weeks ago. I read your entire blog from the beginning in about a week. I was instantly obsessed. It probably helps that I have two children and have suffered from depression for most of my life, including one suicide attempt a long time ago. You definitely have helped me. And I most definitely noticed the absence. Love you!

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  7. Welcome back. Please don't leave us again. ;) Your posts are always eloquent, funny and thought provoking. I truly look forward to reading your posts.

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  8. Glad you are back. Missed you.
    Clicked that banner!

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  9. Happy new year to you too! Looking forward to more of your posts in 2013.

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  10. Not sure how many times I said "YES" out loud while reading this one.

    Made a preemptive session with my therapist before Christmas. Thought I was all good. Apparently, that GDMF grief ninja ignored my valiant effort and favors sneaking up on me while driving in between stores to get stuff for my boys.

    Happy to hear your voice again.

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  11. Glad your Back!! And I want to say, I have found your blog in the last four months, and I read clear thru by the timeline when I first found you, and I think because it was all at once an more fresh I will say this... you are stronger than most people I know!! What you have accomplished by getting yourself and your boys this far is amazing!! I was concerned for you leading into the holiday, I knew it couldn't be easy, or will ever be again. I applaud you for making it, no matter what you had to do to get there, you made it and it is now 2013, so we are all at it again to get thru another year, hang in there, every month, every year will get better, it may never be perfect but they will always continue to get better.

    As a side note: I have suggested your blog to some friends of mine, they get complaining about the day to day, about how things never change, about miner stuff, and they let it get them down. So I tell them listen, it isn't as bad as you think, this is the good stuff of life raising kids, the stupid, ridiculous, out of control daily stuff! Enjoy it, no matter how crazy it makes you enjoy every bit of it. Then I tell them, Want to feel like an idiot for complaining? Read Diary of a Mad Women, start at the beginning, make a note of when you stop, and anytime you feel your life and the day to day is overwhelming you, go read if only a post or two. It will cheer you up with the funny, make you realize you don't have it so bad, and make you love even the stupid annoying stuff that you have to deal with even if just for a bit. But more than anything it will show you what it is possible for a Mom to do if she is forced to and it will show you just how hard a person will work or go thru to make there kids as happy as possible in a bad situation. Everyone I have told about your site, has thanked me, I tell them to go back to your site and thank you!

    I have pimped you out.... I hope you don't feel too violated. I personally used you also (not sorry, I needed it), it was a time when I didn't know if I was capable of pulling off the whole instant parent deal, not part time but full time, and I was doing so well, then CRACKED!! I was stressed at work, stressed at home, being harassed by both the Mom's, exhausted, and had one of the worse and longest cases of PMDD set in that I have ever had, and it was setting my anxiety and panic into overdrive. (I can't take meds for any of this because my body has to be fing stupid and have reverse reactions to meds, so they just make things worse, so I have to deal with this all by the power of ME, have done great for years.... the kids Mom's just sent me over the top, you showed me that the biggest problem I was having was that the Mom's care more about themselves than there kids, I care more about there kids than myself..... you showed me that I was doing it right and they are just well.... not really mothers). So I just kept on doing it my way, and screw them, they didn't want the job, or I wouldn't be doing it!)

    So even if you need a break, or look back and see the ago and think what was I typing, seriously it is all needed, people need to see what it really takes, and you show that... the good, the bad, and the funny as hell! Keep Writing!!

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  12. Please be kind more kind to yourself! You are one of the strongest women that I know and you can do this. You've made me realize what a blessing being a mutha really is! Hang in there...

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  13. Grief can over take us anywhere, it can be the smallest thing that brings it all back. There have been plenty of times that I thought I had a handle on it and then I start crying, sobbing... it's normal and you certainly have been through a lot... You are strong!

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  14. Hi there,
    I don't know if this is going to help, but I sense that you may have a problem with obsessive thoughts, which is a symptom of OCD (disclaimer : I am not a doctor, so take my comments with a grain of salt). You might want to pay close attention to your triggers and avoid stress in your life. The fear of loved ones dying follows each one of us, and the key to recovery is to practice awareness. Some yoga might really help you out.
    Alana

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