February 25, 2013

One Man Short


I’m still here.  I’ve been trying to follow that sage advice, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

I’m sick of my own damn self, to be honest.  And truly, I’ve no reason to be so full of self pity.  But I am.  And I loathe it.

It’s dawned on me, repeatedly, during the last few months that this is it.  Truly, this is indeed my life.  And it’s always going to be a struggle.  And I’m tired.  I want to cry.  Or kick myself.  Or scream and shout.  Or go to bed.  Or run.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Because I feel my life is hard, and the  hand I’ve been dealt unfair.

I don’t like to be such a ninny.  I don’t want to feel this way.  But I do.

I love my kids so much.  They are truly wonderful, adoring, innocent, loving creatures.  I’m so blessed with them.  They are good children.  Parenting them alone is so HARD.   I'M SO TIRED.  And I’m tired of myself for even feeling this way, but I can’t and even shouldn’t apologize, because it’s the truth.

Did you know that if your husband is DEAD he does not EVER do the dishes, does not EVER put gas in the car, does not EVER cook supper, does not EVER bathe the kids, does not EVER discipline the kids, does not EVER help with homework, does not EVER pick up milk or bread on the way home, does not EVER do yard work, does not EVER fix things, does not EVER give you even a teeny tiny break, nor a morsel of support or love or caring or respect.  Nothing is what you get.  NO THING.

This is a hard life, even for me and I don't mind saying I'm a bit of an ass kicker.  I’m smart and organized and spiritual and reflective and patient and kind and loving and all that.  I have it together is what I’m saying.  And despite that….I am overwhelmed.  I constantly feel one man short.  Man down.  Man fucking down.

So now what?  I have a child not even in elementary school yet, so I won’t even bother to calculate how many more nights of homework I shall assist with in my lifetime.  I will live way more years without Dave than with him.

I’ve no idea why this panic has only now set in.  I’ve no idea why I was fine, and now I’m not.  I don’t know if this will go away or what I even need to do to make it go away. 

My voice is the only one that disciplines now.  No backup.  No support.  And I feel they are deaf to it.  I think about their teenage years, when this stage will seem like a total cake walk, and the tears just start to flow.  I’m scared.  I’m tired.  I hate this.  I hate everything.

Except them.  I love them.

     

36 comments:

  1. It does get easier, my husband died when I was 4 and half months pregnant with a 1 yr old aswell and I felt like that for many years, now 16 years later my girls have grown into beautiful young women, but I warn teenage years are a lot harder than I ever thought they would be and honestly they drained ever last ounce of energy I had, as teens from 13-16 were awful but we survived and you will to because you have to for them, I've raised them on my own and really happy with the job I've done eldest will be heading off to university soon and youngest is just leaving school to go to college :-)

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  2. Maybe it is time to go daddy shopping? Of course that means dating and it sounds like you have no time for that. I'm sorry you have been left holding the bag. That is so shitty!!

    There are big brother programs and daycare and tutors and after school programs which supposedly can help you. I'm not familiar with any of them, especially in your area but I do know that you do not have to do this all by yourself if you don't want to. Hang in there supermom!!

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  3. I really have so much respect for you. I have been reading your blog for almost a year and I totally get you. Every word you write, I understand even though I haven't lived it. I hope things turn around for you soon! You deserve it!

    www.rachelmakinglemonade.com

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  4. it is a labour of love that all woman with children share. Whether it is a husband who has died or a deadbeat dad/husband that has left, we shall all endurr raising the fatherless child. Yes its exhausting just about everyday. But the rewards most certainly outweigh the days of hell that break us down. Have faith momma you will be fine and know that we are always here for you to give strenght and encouragement. Damn the men for leaving us to do this on our own...but remember its their loss and what they miss in these darlings life can never be replace. Something we never will ever have to regret in our life.

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  5. Never feel bad for thinking how unfair it is that you are doing this alone. Whether its a husband who has died or just the deadbeat daddy who doesnt partcipate in the rearing of the child. Sadly most of every childs life and growing process falls on the mother. We try and do our best. But I agree with you it isnt fair. I raise my children for the most part on my own, first husband was a lunatic and not a good father at all. My second was a better father just a shitty husband. All my children survived a fatherless home life but the regrets they have are directed to them and NEVER to me. In the end they will always say Thanks Mom. Keep your chin up doll, you are doing an amazing job.
    If you do happen to read and share my blog I would appreciate it. As I am the mother! But my loss was different than yours. Much luv

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  6. You should never, ever feel guilty about feeling bad, miserable, tired, overwhelmed, or anything negative. Being funny and tough as shit is a big help in your situation and a great coping mechanism but it can't take away all the pain.
    It won't always feel like this. This is going to pass. In the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get through, even if it mean slacking here and there, getting help, talking medicine. It's better than a breakdown. Strength to you.

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  7. You're totally RIGHT that it's not fair, so why not think that? Give yourself a break, woman! Just let yourself "feel all the feelings" as Dumpster Baby says. (You know her, right?)

    And don't be afraid to ask for help. Any men in your life, be they family or friend... ask them to sort of be like a 'Godfather,' but not necessarily in a religious sense... just to be there as one more person to hold those boys accountable.

    As for the chores around the house - have those boys put their muscle to work. (Here's where you might enlist the help of a strong, admiration-worthy dude to motivate your progeny.)

    You'll be fine. I think you're even more awesome than you realize. I hope you know how much we are all cheering for you. xoxo

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  8. Reading this made me feel very sad, and not just for you. I felt like I was reading my mom's inner voice from about 18 years ago. My dad isn't dead, he just might as well have been after my parents divorced. He was never involved (he never, not once, not even when any of his children were brand new, changed a diaper), but post-divorce my mom moved away. She had to completely restart her life--she had to go back to school (in her 30s), work, and single parent. It's not the same as losing your partner to suicide, not in so many, many important ways, but the end result of having literally no back up was identical.

    Now, I have my own little one. I have a fantastic husband, who has a real relationship with her, and I get SO. MANY. BREAKS. I get a few hours to myself in the evening, and I get 2 in the morning. It's hammered home to me how absolutely terrible my mom must have felt, doing it all alone. How you must feel right now, even with so many supportive people surrouding you. Because yes, you are the only voice they will hear. You are the be-all, end-all parent to them now, and it's so freaking hard that some days you will really suffer. My mom must have suffered.

    But, it wasn't really apparent at the time. Oh sure, my mom had her "15 minute rule" when she came home where we were not allowed to talk to her, or bother her with anything for 15 minutes when she first got back from work or school. We learned how to tell time so we could be there at minute 16. My younger sister and my mom got into fights in the morning a lot between the ages of 8 and 11. I can't really remember ever doing anything like a craft or play-time with my mom during those years, because there was no real time. We chatted at night before bed, and that was all there could be.

    But, I felt LOVED. Always. Even when there were fights, and even when my mom lost patience, or wasn't always around, I felt loved. I knew I could count on her when it mattered, and if some things fell through the cracks, oh well. I don't remember them now, many 15+ years later.

    I wanted to comment on this entry because of that. I want to let you know that as hard as your life is, and as much as you feel like you're so tired you cannot possibly go another day...eventually, you're going to get through it. Eventually, you're going to be out on the other end. And your children will love you, and they will think of this time and say, "Oh, god, Mom. I can't believe you did it! You're amazing!" I know I tell *my* mom this often. My mom's refrain during this time in our lives was "I'm not SuperWoman. I can't do everything!" And now, I look back and I say, You liar. You WERE Superwoman.

    And so are you.

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  9. I'm sorry. Just plain sorry. When I read your posts, I'm at a loss for words. I have no way to ease your burden, no way to help you. If we lived in the same town I would gladly take your kids to the park for an afternoon. Or come over and cook for you. Maybe even pick up a bottle of wine so you can relax a little. I would give you a shoulder to cry on, and offer you a few jokes to get you laughing or at least smiling. I would offer as much sanity as I could, but it's not possible. Just know that if I could, I would. My heart aches for every little injustice you face, and I feel almost guilty that my husband is still alive. For some reason when I read your words I love you like family, and I have an urge to make it all better. I know that I can't, but I hope you know that a lot of people keep you in their thoughts.

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  10. Oh mutha. Ya I know that tired. You'll be a zombie before you know it. Greeting yourself in and out of bed in the morning. I got 4 boys. Those are future husbands you got there. Get each kid to do a chore that they can handle. Even babies like to hand you everything in the dishwasher as you're unloading it lol. That tired isn't going to go away for a long time. Imagine all three 6' tall, saying "hey mom this is my friend slash, were going to be hangin' out for a while" ..hehe. Oh ya, right now it's all about poop and soccer and homework. Soon it will be music, video games, girls and all their friends eating your food. That housework shit gets sooooo mundane. "If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, then why am I doing housework" LOL. Have the kids tutor each other. You help the oldest, then so on...Whenever you need a laugh, I'm here.

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  11. oooph. Mutha. I've been wallowing in my own self loathing too, but reminding myself that others have far more things going on than I do....then I read this and it reminds me of that again. Hats off to you for doing it all on your own, because there is only you TO do it. If you don't do it, then it doesn't get done. I know you're tired. I do. And I can honestly say that I wish I could help you....mucho love to you, my frand. And a great big hug is acoming your way, come September.

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  12. My husband is on his second deployment in two years. He was home for a brief 5 months and now he is off again. I understand the tired part. Right now it seems like he will never be back to help with things around the house. Knock on wood that he will.
    Just keep loving your boys, you may be overwhelmed and tired but in the end they are worth it.

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  13. I feel exactly like this ... my ex-husband is in the hospital/jail... so I do everything... it sucks. I am so blessed to have a wonderful sitter who helps me in so many ways but it is still VERY hard... I know exactly where you are coming from...

    We just have to keep going and we will, we are strong women:)

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  14. I just want to start off by making a point clear, I cannot relate to your specific situation in any way shape or form. The only thing we have in common is we both have all boys. And I like your couch... But one thing I do know are feelings so I have to ask....

    Why are some emotions ok to have and some are not? So you feel overwhelmed and pity and sadness...Well you deserve to, just as you would deserve to feel happiness. You feel overwhelmed, pity and sadness and then feel guilty about being overwhelmed, pitiful and sad? Why layer shit on that you do not need? It is ok to feel these things, don't beat yourself up over the way you feel. OK I admit if I had a choice between feeling happy or feeling sad, I would choose to feel happy. But really, anyone would be overwhelmed in your situation, you would be stupid not to feel that way. Wallow in it for a bit, eat chocolate, stay in your jammies, then once you have been there done that for a bit get on with life till it hits again. You do not seem like the type of woman that would let it consume you and over take you or make it who you are. So if you can get a grip on it, live it, feel it and then get to happy. And really let's face facts, it's February if anyone can get through this month completely sane they are either lying or comatose.

    One of the stupidest things I think I hear people say to other people (and usually in a effort to comfort them in times of need) is, 'it could be worse'. So what, sure it could be worse, but it could also be better. Those four words are like validation to someone that it is not ok to be sad or overwhelmed or angry or...insert bad emotion here.....yah I suppose everything could be worse, we could be foraging for cockroaches to eat in a post nuclear existence. It makes me want to yell, 'we are not talking about whatever the worse case scenario is and who it happened to, we are talking about my crappy situation right here and now.' I mean really why must we always think it could be worse, is this not bad enough?

    After I came across your blog I read it from beginning to end.....every damn post...all at once. My thoughts were, 'holy shit she has a tough row to hoe.' And then 'If that were me could I be as strong?' And finally 'damn I wish I was friends with her, she knows how to live.' You are making decisions, you are raising the boys and you are doing it one day at a time.

    Those of us out here that read your blog thank you for being brave enough to put yourself out there. Thank you for sharing and taking us on this trip with you.

    You may be the strongest, coolest person I don't know. Rock on sister woman.

    Jen

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    1. I ditto this comment. You have a right to your feelings. What you are doing is unbelievably hard. The only comfort I can offer you is at least you won't have teenage daughters:) Wishing you peace and love.

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  15. When I read your posts, I'm generally at a loss for words because they take my breath away, so I don't comment at all. But I have to comment here. You've endured a lot. A lot more than one person should have to endure. Don't apologize for how you feel. It's your right to feel the feelings. I'll say it again. Don't apologize. Just don't.

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  16. I think every mom feels this way at some point or other. I have 3 kids...girl 15, boy 12, and boy 8. Boy 12 has ADD and borderline Asperger's. He is mentally and emotionally exhausting to me. I love him more than life itself (same with my other kids) but he isn't "easy" to parent and he takes a LOT of work, and he is so NOT a people pleaser (like my other two). He becomes extremely angry (scary-ish) when I try and discipline him...has said on more than one occasion that he would kill himself. That freaks me out, particularly because I don't know if he, at this age, completely understands what that means! He also knows that it freaks me out so sometimes I think he says it on purpose to freak me out. He is just really damn hard to parent!!

    And he is just like his dad, to whom I am still married and who lives with us. Dad has pretty much zero patience for boy 12 and has, at times, let his anger manifest in a smack or a shove. When that happens this momma goes a little crazy herself and basically has no tolerance for crazy angry dad taking frustrations out on boy 12. There is a lot that husband doesn't know and I try not to include him on some goings-on with boy 12 because it's easier and much more peaceful that way. However it takes its toll on me and I feel like I'm on an island much of the time. While I can't relate at all to how it would feel to go through what you have (horrible), I do know how exhausting it can all be. And then you think about how LONG you have to stay mentally "in it" for your kids' sakes it can get quite depressing. I take anti-depressants and it's still depressing!!

    If you are like me at all, you may have a bad day or feel like you're on the verge of a meltdown and then you walk into the room and see your boys snuggling on the couch or giggling while they "wrestle" as boys do. They may smile and look at you like you are their night and their day, and you know that you ARE their world!! I know you feel the same way about them, and the bad day you just had just seems to melt away. As much as you wish it could stay perfect like that every day and every moment, you also know that just isn't possible. So you try and take whatever positive energy you can from the good times and hope that it carries you through the bad.

    There is NOTHING I would trade for the experience of being a mom!! My kids are MY night and day, and they are MY everything. They don't have the mature mental capacity to know how to show their appreciation or to pay you compliments and thank you (yet) for a job well done. But they will...someday!! I agree with the others, cut yourself a break and know that it's OK to be tired and resentful of your situation (and occasionally even a little resentful of them and the time they steal from you). It's OK...they are resentful of you at times too. Grown-up rules suck and consequences aren't fair. It's really a 2-way street but at the end of the day, as long as you all come back together and you can look at each other and be thankful for everything (the perfect and the painful), then you know everything will be OK. One day at a time is the best you can do.

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  17. You leave me speechless- which is almost impossible.
    I'll leave it at that.

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  18. I think of exactly what you wrote a lot, how it is all you, no breaks, no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to give you those personal compliments that only a husband would be able to deliver. I try to be grateful for what I get, sometimes its a little sometimes it is a lot it isn't always what I need or want but its something...It makes me sad cause I know your boys and it is all YOU-the wonderful men they will become, the great husbands they will make. You should offer no apologies for how you feel-your feelings are valid & only you know how they change like the tide, the seas can be calm then the waves crash in front of you as you rock in the boat of life. I trust that the right person will be in your life in the future and I hope that you can be open to sharing/opening your life. When one is the sole disciplinarian, parent, provider, cook, maid, shopper, etc. they also become the sole watcher of people and how inviting new people into the folds of your life impacts all involved. One gets used to being the decider and the one to manage it all and leaning on another becomes hard, frightening and nearly impossible. Please be open to love again and who might be right under your nose waiting to share or ease the burden of life. I know you must feel like one person and his one action decided the fate for so many and in essence that is what has occurred. Don't let him dictate your life after his death. Oh how I thinkof you during the nights when I am battling homework, projects, dinner, shopping, listening to the pains and joys of my children, dodging phone calls, writing bills, wondering about income & where all the money REALLY goes, I thinkn of you and hope you are not facing the exact same issues at my exact same moment but I know you are maybe not all at once and even if you are not living it at the moment I know it radiates in your thoughts it is there on some level to some degree and it makes me angry that people choose to leave and get a way out yet others are left behind to question, to figure and to move forward. There is no handbook for coping with all of the other issues that regular people can't even dream of having to face let alone endure. Your survival skills amaze me and give me courage, sometimes you are the bright side I look to when I get in a funk. Like the sun you endure, you shine you know it is all YOu and you HAVE TO- You have to be that constant, the one to rely on the one to run to for your kids and you are YOU ARE!!!! You owe no one an apology you are facing life the good the bad and the ugly. you are able to find a glimmer of hope you know at times you might have to dig incredibly deep but you do YOU HAVE TO. I think to how scarry it has to be for kids with a single parent how they must fear their one surviving parent even getting a cold the fear of being alone and the truth of knowing what one parent has done to them and the great hope that nothing tragic happens again. You all have developed into a great team with your own methods, you are one of THE MOST organized people that I have ever encountered and while grief and sadness do not have a labeled basket or shelf to be placed on they are a part of the whole process and have no locked box to get shoved into, so these moments I hope are fast and fleeting but they are reminders of the progress that has been made and the strides yet to come. No Apologies for genuine feelings and facing reality. Look into those little boy eyes & feel those smiles and know your blood sweat and tears are the reason for their well being, progress and existence-YOU-it is all YOU!!!!! No apologies, NONE!!!!

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  19. i absolutely love your blog i am a new follower

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  20. *Sigh*. I think single mothers across the world have felt that way at some point. Some multiple times a day! No matter how it happens "Death, divorce, desertion- the 3 D's", women hold the extraordinary task of holding it together. Even while married, I often functioned as a single mom. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings. You are loved. The only other piece I would add is to ensure you don't lose you. Maintain something for your sanity- exercise, pedicures, a hobby, lunch with a girlfriend. It helps lift you back up during the low points! Wishing you the best!!!

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  21. It's ok to talk about it. I think you are doing a great job. Please remind yourself often. Lots of love to you!

    eye-of-arms.blogspot.com

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  22. One thought I want to mention, not all Dad's are the ones who disappear, don't participate, desert there family, etc. My Hubby has four kids and two ex-wives. The thing is the first one tortured him using the kids as a weapon to make his life unbearable (so lucky for me she didn't succeed in ruining him completely) the second one was just well a non participant in the care of the children! She was as Dead Beat Mom as you can get!! But here is the kicker, we have 100% custody of both his son and his step daughter from his second marriage. So cut the Dad's that DO a little slack!

    Also I feel for you all, but instead of needing to explain a missing father and deal with the situations it causes, I have to step in and try and be supportive to two children that have BIG QUESTIONS about why the Step is in our custody (explain to an 9 year old at the time, why her mom is happy to drop by sign some papers and then drop off the planet for like two months!!) Explain to a 4 year old that he can't see his Mom because no one knows where she ran off too or who she may be with and why she hasn't come to see him. Explain to young children why you have to make there Drunk Screaming Crazy Mother leave the property and come back when she is sober. Explain to them that you can't trust them alone with there Mom because she likes to drive drunk with them in the car, or that it is not ok for her to be passed out for 6 hours while her 4 year old son fends for himself for those same 6 hours and thinks Tums is candy and he can eat it since there is nothing else around he can get himself.

    Then deal with all the broken promises and Parent Lunches she doesn't show up for and try and help them deal with it all why you sit and wonder why!!??!! And Why do they so cling to the hope that there mother will some day give a crap about them, watch over two years while the now 5 year old has come to the conclusion that he doesn't need his mother, he has his Pappa! While at the same time the now 11 year old will bend over backwards and do anything to get 5 seconds of her mothers attention, she has been trying for 11 years!!!!

    So yes I get it all, but it feels like everyone is always bashing the Dad and I personally know (not by choice!!!) about a dozen women that have children and should have been Fixed like the Bitches they are to prevent them from bringing more children into this world that they don't want, don't care about and won't take care of.

    I may be the Step-Mom but nothing replaces what a mother should give to there child, a Dad can be replaced, it has been proven over and over!! A Mother (good or fucking discussing) can not be replaced, and those women who choose to kill there children slowly by stringing them along make me want to become a sniper/assassin/back ally killer. Why because sometimes I feel the kids would be better off with a happy memory of a mother than a Mother that torturous them by stringing them and there emotions along just so she can pop in on a bad day and her kids missing her makes her feel so much better about herself that she goes on a drinking binge, or is on a bipolar high that has her out whoreing around and she is so happy now with her life choices that she forgets to give a shit about those kids and the plans she makes with them or just doesn't give a shit about them at all in the first place.

    So no matter anyones situation, and Mad Women yours sucks!! There are others, and your posting your shit Good or Bad is something that helps support those others dealing with the same things, and you all seem to lift each other up every chance you get and every time it is needed. Love you and you Blog!!

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  23. I love you. There you go again, making me understand a little better how this grief shit works. Here I was, feeling like I might be crazy, I might need to be committed, because just when I was starting to see colors again, BAM! The Fucking Grief Ninja sneaks up on me and has me on the floor sobbing and screaming for 5 days. Sobbing as if I just found him 5 minutes ago, not 5 months ago. Now I understand that I'm not crazy, except for thinking that I might be. So, I will say this for the rest of your blogging life...and maybe then some...Thank you. Keep doing what you do. Maybe one day I can help a survivor. Until then, I'll just keep following my hero.

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  24. I have recently been struggling with the struggle. While my former husband is still very much alive, he's not a participant in our boys' lives, and I'm so tired of the weight of the whole thing. I'm stubborn and independent and fiercely determined, but I am SO tired. I don't have answers for you. Just wanted you to know that I kind of know the feeling. And I empathize. And I hope that better days are ahead.

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  25. I feel the exact same way. I only have one child and one dead husband but my goodness some days I just want to dig a hole in live in it away from the world. Life is unfair and it is really really hard to accept that sometimes.

    I really wish I had some advice or some tips...or maybe some wine? but I am in the same boat. It sucks. *big hugs*

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  26. I'm pretty new here. I actually just found you recently on top mommy blogs. So maybe this won't be very helpful advice because I haven't read many of your posts...

    But it sounds like you need to find something for you. Something that lets you find your happy place for a few minutes every day. For some people it's something like Yoga, for others it's a good book or a magazine or a weekly class in something you like. For me it's the sims. Something about micro-managing the life and family of a little person I created, making them look perfect, building them perfect houses, using cheat codes to spontaneously make them rich... It just lets me get away for a bit.

    Also, do your kids know how you feel? I know a lot of times parents feel the need to hide their emotions from their kids... but maybe if they knew you were feeling overwhelmed they'd be willing to help out. Maybe the older one could help the younger ones with homework, maybe yard work could be a family activity, maybe nap time for the youngest could be quietly-play-alone-time for everyone else.

    Maybe none of this helps... but hopefully some of it does. I can't imagine life without my husband - but at the same time I know he has health problems that have severely impacted his life expectancy. There are days when I find myself grieving even though he's still here, asking myself what on earth I'm going to do when he's gone... and I don't think there's really an answer to that question. We all just have to deal with life as it comes.

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  27. I have lots of things I'd like to say to you, but right now all I'm going to say is: my husband isn't dead and he never did any of those helpful things either. And, I know for a fact that there are many women out there who raised their children and fully managed their homes on their own, even while their husbands still walked this earth. Is it right? NO! Is it easy? NO! Does it make you happy? NO! But, I/they did it and you can too. What you have to stop doing is feeling sorry for yourself and remembering that you're part of a very big club and then you have to start turning it into the adventure it can be - an adventure that will end all too soon and you'll wish with all your heart you could it back.

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    1. Sometimes I find it offensive when people say I should "stop feeling sorry for myself." A person in our family DIED. I'm pretty sorry about it, actually.

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  28. I'm sorry about your husband's death, too. But, life goes on and your children need you to show them that and to show them that it's OK to be sad and to shed tears, but it's also OK to live again with joy and laughter and exuberance. You're doing a fine job, in many ways, but, honestly, it's time you stopped whinging and it is time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself. It's time you got back to blogging about your issues today with the spunky, funky spirit I know you have. You are a single mom of 3 boys (oh, boy, I only had one and did he ever take me for a ride! Ha!Ha!), 3 boys who are going to test your mettle like nothing else. Tell those stories with the wonderful humour that is part of you. A little advice: read about the concept behind "tough love". It's called "reality discipline". If I could go back and do it again, I would follow this concept faithfully. It requires some very strict self-discipline as well as consistency with the kids, but I think it's the best way to raise kids and to teach them. I think it helps to avoid the loud voices and the arguments, something you need to keep your stress level down. I look forward to checking in on you again to see how life goes.

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  29. Hi there,
    Thanks for being so honest in this post; in a way, you're getting some sort of catharsis, which will help you get those negative emotions out so you don't take them out on other people. You know, nobody ever prepares you to be a parent; life teaches you. I have a good feeling that you'll roll with the punches and come out a better human being. Hang in there!
    Alana

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  30. Life is tough, but I think what you're going through is part of the healing process and it will eventually make you stronger. My grandson, who has a physical, life-limiting condition lost his beloved Daddy to suicide recently, and I have found myself suddenly thinking of all the things his Daddy won't be here to do any more - the Easter egg hunts, the long walks, feeding the birds, Hallowe'en, fireworks, Christmas and general bonding and spoiling him, as he did.
    At the same time, however, my mind is actively processing plans and strategies on how to make these occasions as magical as we can without his Daddy, but trying to stick as closely as we can to what his Daddy would have done. I think your mind is doing the same - chewing over these things to begin a process of working through coping strategies. I am now the sole carer of my grandson, and the future is daunting with the disability situation, but he inspires me to keep going as he is so bright and cheery despite the tragic loss of his Daddy and the struggles he faces on a daily basis.

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  31. I lost my wife to cancer in 2001, two months after 9/11. It was me and my son Anthony, and I just about died. I had been working in the travel industry and was subsequently laid off after business all but died. I ended up working retail, relying on friends to help me parent. We ate rice and beans and went to free attractions on my days off. I could never properly explain why mommy went away, nor why bad people had flown planes into those buildings. I though of checking out, thinking my son would be better off with Grammie. I cried alone in my bedroom at night. I'm glad I stuck around. It's still hard, I have bad days, and struggle nonstop to keep bitterness as bay. But I choose to stay in the picture and stay positive for my little boy, who's looking to me for an example of how to deal with tragedy.

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  32. you wrote here what I've been screaming at the top of my lungs, hoping my friends and family would see/hear for months. If one more person says I'm just depressed or going through something I am going to seriously claw their eyes out with my stubbly little, gnawed off finger nails.

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  33. I have to say that I have 1 dead husband (suicide as well) , and 2 alive children (2 boys). I have always done everything on my own even when my husband was alive. I can honestly say (it has been 2 1/2 years) that it is MUCH easier raising my boys without my husband. Sorry ... it is the truth. From what I have read your Dave and My Mike sound pretty similar. Maybe in time (I know it sounds harsh now but when someone said it to me in the beginning I didnt believe them either) but maybe in time you will find it is true for you as well. But really.. get over the anger it is only aging you! (ya my sister told me that and it was true!)
    ~Rhonda

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  34. This young children, father dead to suicide, mother doing it all life is not okay. You write so well about the life I now,since September, live...4 boys still in school...sad, hurt, lost, except for Jesus whom they know. They watch mother and no father, it is not okay.........they need him!!

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