April 8, 2013

How Not To Be An Ass When You Grow Up


I have these three beautiful boys under my thumb and raising them is a task I take seriously. I want them to be successful adults. Everyone wants that for their kids. But I want more. I want them to be good husbands. In fact, not just good husbands, but incredibly awesome, irresistible, can’t-live-without-you, can-you-believe-this-guy husbands. Only I have to raise them without a husband as a role model, because they don’t have a daddy. It’s suddenly occurring to me that this is not a damning scenario. (Queen of spin.)

If you’ve been reading my blog a while, you know that I have a fear of my geriatric years. Why? Because the women who marry my sons are going to determine whether I’m in a quaint mother-in-law cottage with some pretty flowers and a carafe of fresh water on my bedside table, or whether I succumb to death in a pee smelling nursing home.  Nursing homes are full of old men flashing their putrid body parts.  I certainly won’t want to see that when I’m 98. I want the cottage, baby. Preferably near the ocean. And to get the cottage, I need to make sure these boys know how to be men. Not just men, but men that the madwoman herself would marry. Who better to teach them how to be awesome men, than a woman who loves men, right? I mean, granted, the madwoman has landed in unfamiliar territory. The madwoman has loved and lost. But, I have extracted superior knowledge from life’s lessons. I know what I like. Hence, the madwoman’s guide to being the perfect man:

1.) Tell the truth. Always. Tell the truth when it hurts. Tell it when it makes you look like a fucking clown. Tell it even when it ruins your day, and hers. Tell it even though the world may crumble and fall apart around you. There is no other option. Truth.

2.) Tell your woman what you love about her. Don’t just say, “I love you.” Everyone says that. If her cooking is extraordinary, tell her. If her ass is to die for, tell her. If you like how it feels when she runs her fingers through your hair, tell her. You can thank me for this later. And you will.

3.) Be a good daddy. Play with your kids. Play with everyone’s kids. Encourage your kids to be like you used to be when you were little. Show them how to climb trees, ride bikes, wrestle and play sports. Build forts with them. Sit down and have tea and dress a baby doll. Your wife is sick of doing this shit. Your kids will think you’re a rock star.

4.) Whatever your career, be good at it. Whether you’re the lawn guy or a rocket scientist, be great. I get that we all can’t be the best, but we can all try damn hard. Being lazy is not sexy. Trying hard is.

5.) Be sexy. Very few women really like the hair on your back and shoulders. If they love you they may lie and say it doesn’t matter. It does. Shave it. And tidy up that cock fro while you have the clippers out.

6.) Burn your copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Because that shit is over, that’s why. If you want to slink off to your man cave everyday and pretend you don’t have a family, then go marry a cave woman. This isn’t the fucking stone ages.

7.) Put your family first. Making lots of money is great, being non-existent because of it isn’t. Every day is precious. If you knew this was your last day on earth, would you really work till 7 pm? Would you really stop for drinks on the way home? Would you really just get your kids every other weekend like the court papers say? Or would you come home and wrap yourself up like a pretzel around the ones you love? Any old man will tell you the truth. Ask one what he regrets.

8.) Learn to cook. Cooking is important, since without food we die. Participate in meal planning, like you are shooting the fucking game yourself. Women get overburdened when responsible for every meal.

9.) Learn to be funny. Humor is everything. When your world is spinning out of control, a fucking belly laugh is an anchor. Some people are born comedians. It’s in their genes. If it’s not in your genes, then learn to relax enough to find the funny and laugh at yourself.

10.) Be positive. Find the good in whatever you can. Seek God. If that doesn’t ‘speak to you,’ then find a good vibration and hang on to it for dear life. Negative people suck.

I’m not even going to give a number to ‘don’t be an addict, don’t beat your wife or kids, don’t be a gambler, a cheater, or a thug.’ If you are, I hope your wife leaves you until you come to your senses. Because ‘for better or for worse’ doesn’t mean living under the kind of oppression that comes from living with that shit. Been there. Done it. Survived it. I know what the hell I’m talking about. There is no piece of paper marriage license worth living under the black cloud. Sorry, but it’s true. Get right or get out.

17 comments:

  1. Exactly. Well said. Offically addicted to your blog.

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  2. Honestly, the best list of this kind I have ever read. Bravo. Your boys are going to be great men.

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  3. This is pretty much perfect. I shared on facebook, in hopes that my boyfriend may read it without me telling him to :p

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  4. You said cock fro... BAHAHAHahHAHA!

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  5. You said cock fro... BAHAHAHahHAHA!

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  6. This is amazing... if I had had a boy, I would have trained him to be a good man too. My David who is a wonderful man, knows how to treat a woman, his single mother did an amazing job. It is possible, it takes work on the parents part. I am teaching my daughter to expect respect from her husband or not to bother with them. We need to teach our girls too.

    Fabulous post as usual !!!

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  7. I have all girls. I feel like I should write how to not be a Beatrice when you grow up. Inspired! :)

    Christy
    notgonnawin.blogspot.com

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  8. Amen to that. Now, if only the guys who need to see this would actually read it...

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  9. Great post! Glad to see you are still at it.

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  10. So funny it can't be truth. So true it can't be funny. Yet- you've hit it out of the ballpark on this one! Those boys are LUCKY! There- i've said it- LUCKY.

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  11. You inspired my post; How Not to be a Beatrice When You Grow Up. I linked your blog and this post in my post. Check it out.

    http://notgonnawin.blogspot.com/2013/04/how-not-to-be-beatrice-when-you-grow-up.html

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  12. This is great!! In fact I am probably going to put this in my son's baby book for when he gets older of corse! haha!

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  13. As a favor to both myself and my 3 year old son, I am printing this off and reading it to him when he is older. I will also add it into his baby book so it is not forgotten. Bang on and perfectly written. And Cock Fro? Fucking brilliant.

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  14. Awesome and hilarious! I want to print this and save it for my sons. I vow to read this to them every year on the birthday! ;-) Otherwise I will resort to beating it into them ;-0 Oh...I'm kidding ok!

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  15. BEAUTIFUL!!! I am raising two boys on my own, as well, and all I can hope for is that they are strong, intelligent, caring young men - as you say. Family first is the thing so many men forget about. Toys break, electronics become outdated, family is forever..... Thank you for writing what so many of us think. "If a man treats his woman like a princess, it is proof he was raised in the arms of a queen" and you, my dear, are a QUEEN!!!!

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  16. The best thing I've read in a very long time! Love it!

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